THE ROVING RANTER

Today At The Ballfield ...

2011-06-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

I was on my way home from work and my phone kept vibrating. I think it had buzzed three times in about 20 minutes. I wasn't expecting any "important" calls but, of course, I was curious as to who was trying to contact me for doggedly. I'm a firm believer that operating a cell phone while driving is a sure-fire recipe for disaster and higher insurance premiums, so I jumped off the main roads and pulled into a small public park to check my cell log.

The weather was lovely so I shut off my trusty Chevy and rolled down the windows to enjoy the strong-yet-pleasant breeze. While I was absorbed in operating the so-tiny screen on my dinosaur of a cellular device, my concentration was shattered as a strong, slightly metallic "THUNK" rolled through the air immediately followed by a round of muddled hoots and hollers.

My head jerked up to see if I could visualize the source of the sound, but it only took my mind a millisecond to process the fact that it could be nothing else but a softball making contact with an aluminum bat. And in the following few beats of my heart I was swallowed by just about every memory of playing Little League, going to Indians games in Cleveland, weekend softball games at cookouts, and watching my oldest niece knock the snot out of just about any pitch thrown at her during her award-winning high school softball career. It was really a powerful little mental jolt.

And then to my delight, my nostrils flared at the smell of popcorn coming from the concessions area just behind the bleachers. Which triggered more mnemonic gems ranging from movie experiences and college all-nighters to street fairs and Die Hard marathons with my action-junkie nephew!!

We talk of iconic images so much ... things like the American flag ... and we go gaga for Gaga and other high-status celebrities ... but is there such a thing as "iconic sounds" or "iconic smells?" To me, an icon is something that has nearly universal recognition. The smell of lilacs, for instance, brings up intense feelings and memories for me since it was my mother's favorite scent and flower. But to millions of others, it represents nothing more than a familiar fragrance.

I would love to hear readers' thoughts ... give me some examples of iconic sensory items.

POINT OF RANT: I'm just happy that my quick stop at the ballpark didn't injure me or my vehicle ... in the past six weeks both the hood of my Malibu and the side of my noggin have took serious hits from a softball!

Today Behind A Camera ...

2011-05-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

Over the Memorial Day weekend, my nephew and I visited the cemetery plots of our immediate relatives. Like millions of Americans, we utilizing a portion of the holiday to "spruce up" the resting places of friends and family who have died. I'm fascinated by cemeteries ... the majestic monuments and the odd quiet make my senses tingle. There is also an artistic quality to observing how people can make a gravesite truly beautiful with mulch, small planters, river rock, etc.

I happened to have my camera with me and decided to take a few respectful pics. What I focused on were the small iconic momentos left to keep watch over the grave markers. There were lambs, dolphins, train locomotives, mushrooms, pinwheels, gargoyles, frogs, suncatchers, butterflies, and more made of an assortment of materials. But what caught my attention most were the cement angels that sat like stoic sentinels to protect the dead.

Angels have been a part of our collective mythos for millennia, appearing in religions across the planet. These beings are believed to be basic extensions of God ... spectral entities that have been depicted as divine messengers, glorified menials, and protectors of humanity. The term angel is a fusion of the Old English word "engel" and the Old French word "angele," both of which are hand-me-downs from the ancient Greek "angelos" ... "messenger."

Both the Christian and Hebrew Bibles speak of angels as semi-divine beings possessing powers and perceptions above those of "mere" mortals. Scholars and theologians have studied angels for centuries through writings, art, and testimonials from individuals who claim to have interacted with these ethereal personas. Popular culture has characterized angels as winged beings whom are often surrounded by an aura of light. Most "sightings" describe asexual beings with mild, handsome male features often accompanied by flowing robes, head-adorning halos, and even pleasant sounds and smells. But this is certainly not the cased in all cultures ... Hinduism, for example, characterizes angels as "devas," the embodiment of natural elements. And devas are often destructive in their roles as "mediators of God."

In some religions, certain angels have taken on strong personalities and distinct roles. Structured hierarchies have been developed to chart these entities' abilities and duties ... kind of like a scorecard for one of today's popular role-playing games. Several main-stage angels have allegories in multiple religions and are often referred to as "archangels." From the book of Daniel we have Gabriel (God's primary messenger) and Michael (the warrior and protector). Other key characters include Raphael (the healer), Uriel (the fulfiller), Azrael (the death-bringer), and, of course, Lucifer ... the fallen angel who became the "Satan figure."

In the mainstream, people that believe in angels see them as guardians, harbingers of danger, and agents of positive change. Belief in angels has been a topic of organized cultural-anthropological study for nearly half a century. In 2007, a study showed that 68 percent of those Americans polled believe that angels and demons are active in the physical world. In 2008, a Baylor University poll found that 55 percent of respondents believe that they have been protected by "guardian angels" during their lifetime. And multiple 2009 surveys showed that more Americans believe in angels than the concept of global warming!! Similar studies have been conducted in Canada and the United Kingdom.

Personally, I even know two individuals who have vivid recollections of being visited by angels. One friend believes the "visitation" was what prevented her from being involved in a terrible accident on a commuter train. The other acquaintance was going through a tough emotional period and feels that the "bright lights" that spoke to him on three occasions is what gave him the strength to power through both a divorce and a dependence on alcohol.

POINT OF RANT: I was just thrilled that my photos turned out so damn good!!

Today After Work ...

2011-05-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

After work today, I did what every American does on May 5 … stopped by a local tavern to drink a few cold Dos Equis (with lime) in honor of Cinco de Mayo and to consume my body weight in chips and salsa. Ah, the festive twinkle of jalapeno lights and dusted-off sombreros does my heart proud. But what does it all mean? I mean, do we Americans really need another excuse to drink?

Apparently, we here in the U.S. make a much bigger deal of the holiday than do our southern neighbors. Cinco de Mayo … literally Spanish for “fifth of May” … is observed in regions of Mexico to commemorate the Battle of Puebla in 1862. In a nutshell, Mexico was broke. After fighting both a war with the U.S. and repercussions of its own civil conflicts, the country was in financial despair. So in 1861, then president Benito Juarez announced the suspension of payment of foreign debts so the Mexican treasury would have the opportunity to rebuild. Well, France, England, and Spain didn’t care for that notion. England and Spain sent naval forces to “express their displeasure,” but Mexico negotiated a peace and the forces withdrew. But apparently France, who at the time had considerable occupation forces in Mexico, was pissed! Napolean III sent additional troops and went after Juarez with a vengence. The French army was renowned in the world for its superior training and resources and, with a force of more than 8,000 French troops on Juarez’s trail, the outcome seemed set in stone.

The French forces initially won some skirmishes but were stopped … actually crushed … in the state of Puebla by a poorly-equipped Mexican army of barely 4,000 soldiers. 2 to 1 odds, and the French were effectively stopped. It was more than a year before the rearmed French returned and established a French “emperor” in Mexico. But, according to most historians, the Battle of Puebla was significant for two reasons. First off, the thrashing of a superior force provided a sense of momentum and excitement and unity among the Mexican army. Yes, more battles came but this impetus had the effect of forcing events to proceed at an accelerated rate. Secondly, during that year that the French were regrouping, France was unable to supply and augment the Confederate army which was fighting in the U.S. Civil War. Scholars believe that this lost support was a definite factor in victory for the North.

Additionally, once the U.S. Civil War was concluded, aid was reinitiated to Mexican troops and French rule and occupation was ended only three years later. Some experts claim that if the French had stayed put, the U.S. may have never risen to the “world power” status it now enjoys. Hmmmmmmm.

So I was surfing the Internet … with a slight buzz from my Mexican beer infusion … and found a few great things to pass along. A bar owner in the Chicago area explained that he went all out for Cinco de Mayo “to celebrate the heritage and accomplishments of many of my Mexican-American patrons.” I liked that.

A Washington Post article discussed how the holiday was actually celebrated in Mexico. While many areas do not do much in the way of partying, the state of Puebla and the capital of Mexico City commemorate the date with parades, jet flyovers, and even a reenactment of the battle at a military base near Puebla complete with cavalry charges, cannon fire, and machete fights. How cool ... I loved that.

Then I glimpsed a mention of more than 150 “official” Cinco de Mayo celebrations involving special school exhibits and art projects, musical and dance performances, and, of course, festivals celebrating the foods of Mexican and all Latin cultures. This made me hungry.

Then I read four separate items that made me happy, then sad, then embarrassed, and then forced me to giggle out loud. First, in 2005, the U.S. Congress issued a concurrent request to the President asking the people of the United States to observe Cinco de Mayo with appropriate respect to Mexican culture (happy and proud). Then I read a United Press International mention where Cinco de Mayo was decried as nothing more than a marketing tool for beer companies (sad, and mostly true). Then I saw a comment where a company CEO made a speech to his day shift about how he was proud to be acknowledging “Cinco de Mayo … Mexico’s Fourth of July!!” Well, Mr. CEO, Mexico celebrates a national independence day on September 16 … I wanted to find this man (or his assistant) and smack them with a maraca (embarrassed and angry)! And then I got a message from a FB buddy … he wished me a happy “Cinco de Drunk on Mayo Ass Day,” but added that he was taking three of his Hispanic co-workers out after work and picking up the tab. My friend doesn’t have a clue to the history of today, but he was refreshingly honest and reminded me that he has a big heart!

POINT OF RANT: Happy “heritage day," Mexico!! … whatever you choose to call it.

Today Talking With A Friendly German ...

2011-05-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

I did notice that today was the first day of the month of May. For me, it’s really just a reminder that the birthday of a niece is close at hand. Oh, and my stomach gets excited because it knows we will be enjoying some good Mexican food and too much beer on Cinco de Mayo. But earlier tonight, a friend on Facebook from Germany asked me how I celebrated “May Day.” I wasn’t sure how to answer so I gave my description of a typical Sunday in my life. When I asked him how his day had been, I got a VERY DIFFERENT answer.

In Europe, “May Day” is related to any number of ancient pagan festivals celebrated around early May. Many of these celebrations marked the end of winter weather and the start of the farming cycle and provided popular incentives for drinking, dancing, and “displays of fertility.” YIKES!! A few examples include the festival of Flora (celebrating the Roman goddess of flowers), the Celtic festival of Beltane (with loud feasts and the lighting of bonfires to banish the long nights of winter), and the Germanic festival of Walpurgisnacht (with the wrapping of maypoles and lots of dancing).

But what my German friend was talking about was a more politically-motivated “May Day” … one I guess I knew a bit about but not much. It seems in many countries … and in the U.S., to a point … “May Day” is synonymous with International Workers’ Day. So in countries across the globe, May 1 is marked with political demonstrations organized by various groups to focus attention on employee rights and other workforce issues, as well as an international celebration of the social and economic achievements of the labor movement.

One source explained that the roots for International Workers' Day can be found in a public Australian holiday known as “Eight-Hour Day.” Apparently in 1856, a group of stonemason’s negotiated an improvement in working conditions and a “workers’ holiday” was established. The notion of this April 22 holiday began to spread to neighboring countries and eventually the holiday was moved to May 1 to commemorate the Haymarket Square demonstrations of 1886. Known as one of the world’s most grievous labor-related tragedies, this event began when a three-day labor strike of employees of the McCormick Harvesting Machine Co., of Chicago, got out of hand and four employee were killed by police attempted to break the strike. The next day, a rally was held in Haymarket Square to protest the workers’ deaths. Again, police arrived to disperse the crowds and during the process opened fire on the unarmed demonstrators. A dozen more people were killed , including one law enforcement officer. Eventually, eight people were put on trial … all individuals known for having strong worker party political beliefs but almost no connection to the actual demonstration. Four of these men were publically executed and the affair is still cited by political activists as a total travesty of the American justice system and an example of people put on trial purely for their political convictions.

So while the United States may have provided some inspiration for International Workers' Day, it is a true international day with rallies and demonstrations allowing citizens of the world to protest unfair labor laws and practices. In 1958, the U.S. Congress designated May 1 as “Loyalty Day.” It is also sometimes referred to as “Law Day.”

Several countries such as Bangladesh, Italy, China, Syria, Hong Kong, Poland, Taiwan, Portugal, Argentina, Finland, Ireland, Bulgaria, Greece, and Brazil have a long and “tense” histories of celebrating May 1. Whether it is “May Day” or International Workers' Day or “Labor Day,” these nations support this public holiday as an opportunity for workers to unite and speak with one voice.

Which, again, leads me back to my friend ... for him, “May Day” was drinking and dancing in the streets and watching families picnicking together. It was also numerous political demonstrations, some nasty name calling, and even bricks and stones thrown through several storefront windows. He also told me about regions in Germany where the traditions of Walpurgisnacht (Walpurgis Night) are very much alive … where people still wrap maypoles and where young men in love secretly deliver trees decorated with streamers to the women they love. Women, though, sneak to the homes of the males they pine for and place heart-shaped offerings crafted from rose petals or rice grains. And often times, if the culprit is apprehended while delivering the “May Day” tribute, a kiss is required from the “offending” party. Romantic stuff, indeed!!

In many European countries and parts of the U.S., “May Day” antics still exist as a diluted form of the “green root” (pagan) and “red root” (labor) traditions of the past. In the UK, for example, some communities still celebrate with traditional dancing around the maypole, madrigal choirs, and the crowning of the Queen of May. Because of the Roman Catholic observance of May as a celebration to the Blessed Virgin Mary, May flowers are often placed on the heads of statues and figurines of Mary.

In some parts of the United States, “May Day” parades are still held. In more rural areas, the tradition of anonymously giving May Baskets … small collections of flowers and treats … to neighbors is still going strong. I love the idea of brightening someone’s day by leaving a basket of goodies on their doorstep, ringing the bell, and then running away. My Mom used to do that for some of the people in our neighborhood at Christmas who were alone or facing particular hard times. Guess she had the “May Day” spirit in December!

In Sweden, the country celebrates “May Day” as Vappu with crazy carnival-style street festivals. In France, there us a centuries-old tradition of men giving a sprig of lily of the valley to women in return for a kiss. In Hawaii, May 1 is “Lei Day” … not what you think!! … and since the ‘20s islanders have used this day to celebrate native Hawaiian culture.

And in other spots, contemporary “May Day” revelers have created 10K runs, vegan feasts, motorcycle and bicycle tours, streaking events, and organized skinnydipping to commemorate the day.

POINT OF RANT: Where the hell were my kisses on May 1? … I am waiting!!

Today In The Primetime Aftermath ...

2011-04-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

While everyone was getting their Union Jack panties in a bunch over the pending Royal Nuptials, I had Milk Duds and Diet Pepsi (they calorically cancel each other out) at hand for the final appearance of the bumbling "Michael Scott" on The Office.

For those of you who live in caves and/or don't appreciate great writing and the power of hilarious ensemble comedy, The Office is an NBC sitcom based on a similar BBC series created by acerbic comedian Ricky Gervais (remember how he tore up the Golden Globes???) and Stephen Merchant. Now in its seventh season, The Office is a "mockumentary" that follows the employees and business dealings of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company branch in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

To simulate the look and feel of an actual documentary, The Office is filmed utilizing a single-camera set-up as well as harsher lighting, intricate editing, and even technical difficulties. The show does not employ a studio audience or laugh track. From the very first episode which aired March 24, 2005, employees of the paper-pushing company have been equipped with lavalier microphones and battery packs and been tirelessly pursued by a mostly-unseen film crew to capture every detail of their office interactions. Some employees take their role in the production more seriously than others. But no one at Dunder Mifflin sees his "acting duties" as more sacrosanct than "Michael Scott," regional manager of the Scranton branch for the past 19 years.

Michael is a buffoon on the highest order. He spends each work day playing practical jokes and attempting to befriend his subordinates while shying away from all major decisions. He constantly interjects his personal dilemmas into the day-to-day office routine (i.e. burning his foot on his George Foreman grill), yet he remains lovable as he offends employees and clients with equal vigor. Michael butchers the English language on a daily basis and inflicts great anguish on his co-workers via practical jokes, tasteless e-mails, and a stream of his famous "That's What She Said" asides. In today's economy, the employees of Dunder Mifflin are scrambling to sell paper and make ends meet, which isn't easy with Michael calling "emergency meetings" all the time in the conference room only to discuss the most trivial matters. As a manager, Dunder Mifflin employees look to Michael for guidance but usually end up incensed by his time-consuming antics which often involve his fondness of using costumes and fictional personas (i.e. "Prison Mike") to share his overblown business acumen. Michael Scott has dedicated his life to bringing fun into the workplace ... efficiency and productivity seldom make his list of concerns.

Some of Michael's most memorable exploits include hiss poor supervision of power-hungry salesman Dwight Schrute; his poorly-timed intrusions into the romance between sales associate Jim Halpert and receptionist Pam Beesly; his outing of homosexual accountant Oscar Martinez; his heart attack-inducing annoyance of salesman Stanley Hudson; his over-the-top macho posturing with outside sales specialist Todd Packer; his outlandish racial remarks to American-Indian customer service representative Kelly Kapoor; his overt and unreciprocated "bromance" with office temp Ryan Howard; his vehicular assault on alcoholic supply relations rep Meredith Palmer; and his unrelenting taunting and hatred of human resources specialist Toby Flenderson.

Michael is also a failure at love, and when his relationships go south the entire staff pay the price in his odd behavior and the ensuing emotional turmoil. For example, Michael drove his real estate agent Carol Stills away in a panic when he publicly proposed to her after only dating for a few short weeks. Then there was the time that Michael fell in love with a picture of a model in an office furniture catalog, only to become despondent when he discovered that the model had died in a bizarre accident. Michael broke a few corporate rules with his incredibly destructive, borderline S&M affair with his supervisor Jan Levenson-Gould. And he broke a few ethical rules when he embarked on disastrous relationships with Helene Beesly (Pam's mother) and Donna, a married woman who managed a bar frequented by Dunder Mifflin personnel.

Michael's most serious battle with cupid was when he fell hard for H.R. professional Holly Flax, but a long-distance transfer seemed to doom their deep romance. But over time and a few awkward meetings, Michael and Holly were reunited and Michael elected to leave Dunder Mifflin to begin a new life with Holly in her hometown of Boulder, Colorado.

The character of "Michael Scott" is portrayed by American comedic actor Steve Carell. Hailing from the Concord, Massachusetts area, Carell earned a degree in history from Denison University in Ohio (only about 35 minutes from where I'm sitting writing this post) with aspirations of becoming a radio broadcaster or even attending law school. After college, Carell wandered through a number of careers including a short stint as a postal carrier. Eventually bitten by the "performance bug," he embarked on the usual odd jobs of a struggling actor including work in TV and radio commercials, a member of a touring children's theatre company, and comedy training with the notorious "Second City" troupe in Chicago. Carell's big break came in 1996 when he became a cast member of "The Dana Carvey Show," a prime-time sketch comedy vehicle on ABC. From this, Carell progressed into reoccurring sitcom work and a prominent roll on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" from 1999 to 2005.

While Steve Carell will always be known to millions of fans as "Michael Scott," millions more acknowledge him as an accomplished motion picture star with such hits as "Curly Sue" (1991), "Bruce Almighty" (2003), "Anchorman" (2004), "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" (2005), "Bewitched" (2005), "Little Miss Sunshine" (2006), "Evan Almighty" (2007), "Get Smart" (2008), "Date Night" (2010), "Dinner for Schmucks" (2010), and the upcoming "Crazy, Stupid, Love." Carell has also showcased his unique voice talents in blockbuster animated films like "Over the Hedge" (2006), "Horton Hears a Who!" (2008), and "Despicable Me" (21010).

But it isn't only his fans that applaud the work of Steve Carell ... numerous critics and entertainment organizations have bestowed him with professional honors including a Golden Globe for "Best Actor in a Television Comedy Series;" five Emmy nominations for his work on "The Office;" a Television Critics Association award for "Individual Achievement in Comedy;" a Writers Guild of America award for an episode of "The Office" which he penned; and MTV Movie Award; and an invitation to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Likewise, in part due to Carell's talents, "The Office" has garnered critical acclaim in the form of an Emmy for "Outstanding Comedy Series;" a Screen Actors Guild award for "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series;" various honors for writing, editing, and direction; and even awards for "Best Television Website" and the spinoff "Webisodes" which aired on the Internet between several of the regular television seasons.

So as of March 28, 2011, Steve Carell and "Michael Scott" have left the Dunder Mifflin building ... so what happens now??! Well, in my opinion, the executives at NBC have been handling the departure beautifully. "The Office" has been picked up for an eighth season and the show has been building tension between possible internal candidates for the regional manager position and outside hires. In a recent story arc, Will Ferrell of film and SNL fame has joined the cast as a possibly-permanent supervisor named Deangelo Vickers. And media spots are leading viewers to believe that other television and film actors are being considered for the cast void including Will Arnett, James Spader, Ray Romano, Ricky Gervais, and even film megastar and funnyman Jim Carrey. NBC is keeping this announcement top secret and fans are loving it!! Only time will tell.

POINT OF RANT: No one ... NO ONE ... will ever fill the business wingtips of "Michael Scott." And That's What I Said!!

Today in the Throes of Defeat ...

2011-04-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

The NBA playoffs are moving ahead full force with many of the "usual suspects" such as the L.A. Lakers and the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls ... unfortunately my Nuggets are no longer deep in the competition. Last night ... April 27 ... the Denver Nuggets lost the Round 1 series to the Oklahoma City Thunder in a 97-100 defeat. The series went four games to one (4-1).

Regardless of this unfortunate turn of events, I will be a Denver fan until the day I die even though I live more than 1,300 miles away. The "Nuggets" got their start in 1967 when an American Basketball Association (ABA) charter franchise intended for Kansas City was rerouted to Denver because the "Paris of the Plains" could not provide a suitable basketball arena. The team was initially dubbed the Denver "Rockets," which was kind of confusing because the very same year the NBA expansion team called the San Diego "Rockets" began playing. The Denver team had a slow start and failed to play in any championship series. However, the roster was strong and fan support built steadily. In 1974, the team was beginning negotiations to join the National Basketball Association (NBA) and team execs opened a contest to rename the team. The winning entry ... "Nuggets" ... was submitted as a tribute to both the 19th century gold and silver mining boom in the Colorado area and a former "Denver Nuggets" basketball that played in the '40s and '50s. The new "Denver Nuggets" officially joined the NBA in 1976.

Initially, the new Nuggets were represented by Maxie miner, a weathered miner who "discovered" an ABA basketball while panning for treasure. In 1990, Maxie was retired and replaced with Rocky the Mountain Lion, an energetic feline who became the seventh official NBA team mascot. Over the years, Rocky has performed his incredible somersault slam dunks and backwards half-court shots at more than 800 Nuggets games. And because of his ferocious loyalty to the game and his unparalleled community involvement, Rock was inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame in 2008.

But back to the topic at hand ... the playoffs. In regular season play, the Nuggets performed well against most adversaries, ending the 2010-2011 season 50-32 in the overall standings. The team's 50 victories placed it fifth in the Western Conference behind the notable L.A. Lakers, San Antonio Spurs, and Dallas Mavericks, and second in the Northwest Division just behind the Oklahoma City Thunder.

For roughly seven months this season, fans on hand at the Pepsi Center (where home Nuggets games are played), at host city venues, and ... like me ... in front of their television sets were treated to the incredible athleticism and on-court poetry of Arron Afflalo, the power and often-untamed maneuvers of Chris Andersen and J.R. Smith, and the consistency and resilience of Nene and Danilo Gallinari. But in the end it just wasn't enough.

During the first round of play against the Thunder, any number of problems occurred that the stats bear out. Poor free-throwing for one thing ... in one game, the Nuggets gave up 15 points in bad shots from the foul line. Hell, I could have made at least half of those ... maybe more. There were also just some poor matchups between Denver and Oklahoma City ballers. I think what frustrated fans the most was that in every playoff game the Nuggets had the lead ... sometimes a sizable advantage ... only to flounder and lose momentum.

What I won't concede is the point that some critics and analysts made ... that Denver performed poorly because of "the lack of a clear superstar." It would be too easy to blame the losses on the pre-playoff trade of Carmelo Anthony to the Knicks. Yes, his 20+ points per game average would have been an asset, but players like Gallinari and Afflalo quickly stepped it up and provided the team with the leadership and motivation it needed.

In my humble opinion, the Nuggets had too many outstanding players. When Gallinari is on, he is ON!! And when Andersen and Smith have built up a head of steam, get the $&*# out of their way or suffer the consequences!! During playoffs, the team simply didn't mesh well with the basics and the energetic styles of Thunder players like the amazing Kevin Durant, the cunning Eric Maynor, and the nimble Russell Westbrook took full advantage of each and every Nugget weakness.

POINT OF RANT: There's always next year ... so watch out Spurs!! It will be raining "Nuggets" in 2011-2012!!!

Today In The Easter Candy Section ...

2011-04-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

Last year, I wrote a blog post on the difficulties of locating the ideal sized, solid chocolate bunny for filling Easter baskets. Now I’m embarking on a campaign to get people to turn their backs on another Easter-time staple … the dreaded PEEPS!!

PEEPS are to marshmallow as Taco Bell is to Mexican cuisine. Marshmallow as a candy finds its roots in ancient Egypt and also in the field of medicine. More than 5,000 years ago, Egyptian physicians used the root of the marshmallow plant … Althaea officinalis … to create a confection that was both tasty and a remedy for sore throats. Using either the pithy root or sap, the plant material was mixed with nuts and honey to create a widely-consumed chewy treat.

Many years later … the early 19th century to be exact … French candy makers augmented the recipe by whipping the marshmallow sap and sweetening it, often with rose water. Known as pate de guimauve, the new marshmallow included an egg white meringue to lighten the candy and provide a unique texture. These French confections closely resembled what we today call “marshmallows” … most often a combination of corn syrup, water, softened gelatin, dextrose, flavor extracts, and sometimes coloring agents whipped into fluffy goodness. Further modernization was applied to marshmallow candy in 1948 when Alex Doumak, an American inventor, created an extrusion process that pushed the various ingredients through tubes, cut them into small cylindrical shapes, and finished each piece with a mixture of finely-powdered cornstarch and confectioner’s sugar. Contemporary marshmallows contain ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from the marshmallow plant. Puffed up treats, indeed!!

Now I love marshmallow crème on top of a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream! And I have very happy memories of toasting marshmallows during childhood camping trips. But the perversion of the “white stuff” that PEEPS represent just makes me quiver … I get that feeling like someone is walking on my grave.

The often-overlooked sign of the Apocalypse that we call marshmallow PEEPS truly began in Russia. Sam Born, A Russian-born candy maker, immigrated to the U.S. from France in 1910. Born was an incredibly hardworking and determined man. He worked at his craft and soon gained a reputation for introducing French chocolates to New York City. Born also received great acclaim for inventing a machine that mechanically inserted sticks into lollipops, a procedure previously requiring human workers. In 1923, Born opened a small retail candy shop in Brooklyn. The business promoted that its candies were made daily and passersby were thrilled with the elaborate displays in the storefront’s windows. One marketing slogan prominently displayed was a simple window sign that reminded people that the fresh treats inside were “Just Born.” Soon the Just Born Corporation was created. In fact, the company’s original logo featured a baby resting in a candy measuring scale.

Despite the challenges of being a small business and the economic devastation of the Depression Era, the Just Born Corporation thrived in the Greater New York area. In 1932, the company moved its operations to an empty printing factory in the bustling steel town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Born’s expanded enterprise soon began tapping into new markets. As Just Born grew in popularity and business strength, the company acquired smaller candy companies and their various resources. The first significant acquisition occurred in 1935 with the Maillard Corporation, well known for its hand-decorated chocolates, crystalized fruits (YUM!!), and bridge mix. Sam Born and his organization continued on an upward spiral, launching the fruity, jaw working “Mike and Ike” candies in 1940 and the spicy, cinnamon-flavored “Hot Tamales” in 1950.

But the road to “true evil” was embarked upon by Just Born in 1953 when the company absorbed the Rodda Candy Company in nearby Lancaster, PA. Rodda was well known for its “jelly bean technology,” but Sam Born was more intrigued by the company’s small line of marshmallow products … including chicks. These sticky confections … hand-formed from a yellow-tinted marshmallow recipe … were very popular but labor-intensive to create. In early 1954, Sam’s son, Bob (who had joined the company in 1946), developed special manufacturing equipment that mechanized the “chick forming process” and allowed for mass production of the spongy, bird-shaped confections. And with the flip of a switch on an upgraded conveyor belt, the Just Born Corporation became the largest marshmallow candy company in the world. And its key product was branded as PEEPS Brand Marshmallow Candies. I wonder if people remember where they were the day this tragedy occurred?

PEEPS literally swept the land. And over the next few decades, these creatures of chewiness changed form and further insinuated themselves into American culture. Typically associated with the Easter season, PEEPS assaulted other holidays. In 1958, pumpkin PEEPS attacked the Halloween candy market. Christmas was also a victim … Just Born introduced snowmen and Christmas tree PEEPS in 1960. The ‘60s and early ‘70s seemed to be a time where Just Born and the Born family regrouped, marshaling their forces. Oh, the company marketed some chewy candy variations to keep us interested … like “Root-T-Toots” (root beer-flavored chewy candies) and “Cool Kids” (spearmint chews) and “Jack and Jill” (licorice chews) … but it was just a front, a way of lulling us into lowering our defenses. And then BLAM!! … Just Born attacks an American institution. In 1975, the company introduces football PEEPS just prior to the start of the NFL season. Insidious, I say! Then the attack of 1977. Teddy bear PEEPS … is nothing sacred?! Over the next few decades, Just Born renewed its onslaught on Easter. In 1980, cute little bunny PEEPS were added to the company’s product assortment. In 1995, lavender chick PEEPS were created to provide contrast to the original yellow devil-birds. Blue chicks and green chicks followed respectively in 1998 and 2007. Just before the start of the new millennium, Just Born fired a salvo of multi-targeted ventures. In 1999, the public was tempted with the first-ever flavored PEEPS. The new product promised vanilla crème goodness and many unsuspecting people were swayed. The same year the company decided to use the power of the media on the masses, launching its first-ever national TV advertising campaign and www.marshmallowpeeps.com. The media also helped Just Born that year by reporting on an Emory University study on the “indestructible nature” of PEEPS. And just to confuse us, Just Born entered the sour candy market the same year with “Zours,” a truly delicious combination of blue raspberry, green apple, tangerine, and watermelon flavors. This concentrated effort, I believe, laid the groundwork for what I call the “Devious Decade.” Starting in 2000, the Just Born Corporation systematically enthralled the public with various introductions and product developments disguised as “doing business.” In 2000, Valentine’s Day was subsumed by the introduction of heart-shaped strawberry crème PEEPS. In 2002, the very patriotic nature of our nation and its citizens was trampled with star-shaped PEEPS. In 2003, the company launched a media blitzkrieg for its 50th anniversary. This was followed by PEEPS decorating kits (2004), sexy chick PEEPS enclosed in a chocolate “egg” (2005), sugar-free PEEPS (2007), and letter-shaped PEEPS for writing tasty little messages (2008). Toward the end of this decade, Just Born developed a secondary headquarters for spreading its confectionary ill-will by opening its first retail store … PEEPS & Company … in National Harbor, Maryland. Now the public had access to a plethora of PEEPS products and additional promotional items like T-shirts and other apparel, lunchboxes, sports items, toys, candy dispensers, cosmetics, and much more. And in 2010, PEEPS collided and conquered one of the most sacred elements in the universe … chocolate. This year marked the introduction of chocolate-covered PEEPS! Today I feel like the only soldier fighting against millions of enemy agents. The public is not in my corner, helping in the fight against these overly-chewy, carnauba wax-filled beasts. Every year, the colorful Just Born creations fly off the shelves. “PEEP OFF” events across the country attempt to break records for PEEPS consumption. Artists and photographers … some quite famous … utilize PEEPS in new work. And prominent media outlets like the Seattle Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, and St. Paul Pioneer Press fan the flames with contests to promote PEEPS-loving activities like photo contests and diorama displays. There is some good news ... a friend just told me of an annual "Kill The PEEPS" contest where people attempt to develop more diabolical ways for destroying these Tartarus-tainted treats!

So I’m going to keep fighting, but the odds are definitely against me. The Just Born Corporation has more than 500 dedicated associates in facilities in both Bethlehem and Philadelphia, including three generations of the irascible Born family. Just Born candies are sold in more than 35 countries. And every single day, 4.2 million friggin’ PEEPS march off the assembly line!

POINT OF RANT: When I drop my mini-marshmallows in my cocoa, my eyes see the enemy burning. BURNING!!

Today In A Telescope ...

2011-04-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Within the past week, scientists have discovered a “brown dwarf” star literally hiding behind another slightly brighter star more than 75 million light years from Earth. Using observations from powerful telescopes in Hawaii, Canada, and France, this new star … designated CFBDSIR J1458+1013B … is roughly the size of Jupiter, slightly more bluish than a typical brown dwarf, and constitutes the first evidence ever found of a theoretical “spectral Y” star, a celestial object that hovers on the fence between being a star and a large exo-planet.

By definition, brown dwarf stars are small sub-stellar objects that over time have lost so much mass they can no longer sustain hydrogen fusion reactions in their cores like other main sequence stars. What makes this newest discovery so “cool,” however, is that astrophysicists and other stellar scientists believe that the temperature of the object is about 100 degrees … basically like a steaming hot cup of tea.

When I was barely a teenager, my older sister had the opportunity to take a trip to Mexico. My one older brother and I were so jealous that our parents coughed up exceptional Christmas gifts to shut us up. My brother received an electric guitar and amp from “Santa” … a gift he NEVER learned to play, I might add. And I received the telescope I had been begging for going on three years.

At its simplest, an optical telescope is a device that makes distant objects appear much, much closer. Using either lenses, mirrors, or a combination of both, a telescope collects and focuses some form of electromagnetic radiation (such as visible light) to enable a viewer to magnify the image of objects very far away using an eyepiece lens. Telescopes have been critical to astronomical research.

Working telescopes were first developed in the Netherlands in 1608. These used “refractors” or objective lenses to gather light. In 1668, Isaac Newton engineered the first practical “reflecting” telescope using mirrors to concentrate the light, thus correcting some aberrations caused by lenses. Technical advances in telescope design and engineering include the use of parabolic mirrors (1722), achromatic lenses (1733), silver-coated mirrors (1857), and aluminized mirrors (1932).

Since the early 20th century, scientists and engineers have developed telescopes that utilize other types or radiation and energy to study distant objects including ultraviolet, X-ray, infrared, radio, gamma rays, neutrinos (electrically neutral particles), and gravitational wave devices.

The telescope from my youth was manufactured by a company named Zhumell which is still a major player in this market segment. It was a reflector type with some motorized positioning instruments and a 114 mm aperture that allowed me to see some cool stuff. My “scope” was relatively easy to set up on its tripod but it was kind of heavy. My Dad helped me use it the first few times but then I got a little huffy and my stargazing became the solitary hobby I wanted.

During those first few weeks of scanning the heavens, I looked at the moon closely and studied bright Venus in the sky. But as an imaginative kid, Mars occupied most of my attention. Named after the Roman god of war, Mars is the fourth planet from the sun in our Solar System and thus the Earth’s “next-door neighbor.” It is sometimes referred to as the “Red Planet” because of large quantities of iron oxide on its surface that give the planet a reddish hue.

Mars is about half (53 percent) as large as the Earth with lighter gravity. Because it is 230 million miles from the sun (compared to Earth at 93 million miles), a Martian year is 686 days.

Like the other planets, it is estimated that Mars is around 4.6 billion years old. Mars has always been of great scientific interest, especially since its rotational period (days) and planetary tilt (causing seasons) are similar to those of Earth. In fact, the planet is believed to have been much more “Earth-like” millions of years ago. Mars is considered to be a “terrestrial” planet because of its thin atmosphere (95% carbon dioxide, 3% nitrogen, 1.6% argon and traces of oxygen, methane, and water). Mars has two permanent polar caps and great quantities of water ice beneath the surface, but the planet’s current low atmospheric pressure prevents any accumulations of liquid water to exist. Martian soil is slightly alkaline (pH of 8.3) and contains elements such as magnesium, sodium, sulfur, potassium, phosphorus, chlorine, and basic salts. Martian surface temperatures range from roughly -125° F to 23° F due in part to the thin atmosphere which encourages little heat transfer.

Mars has two moons … Phobos and Deimos … and boasts the highest mountains (Olympus Mons) and largest canyons (Valles Marineris) of any planet in the Solar System.

Dozens of probes have been sent to Mars by the U.S., the Soviet Union, Japan, and various European efforts through the European Space Agency (ESA). NASA’s Mariner 4 was the first spacecraft to successfully complete a fly-by of the planet in July of 1965. In 1971, Mariner 9 became the first space probe to orbit the Red Planet. Just weeks after this accomplishment, two Russian probes became the first to land on the Martian surface but ceased transmitting almost immediately.

The U.S. NASA Mars Exploration Program has launched 20 missions with 13 being successful. The Viking program launched two orbiters in 1975 which had successful Mars landings in 1976. Viking 1 and Viking 2 provided incredible data for six years and three years respectively. In the summer of 1997, the NASA Mars Pathfinder and its robotic exploration vehicle Sojourner landed on Mars and began collecting data and transmitting pictures. In January 2004, Mars “rovers” Spirit (MER-A) and Opportunity (MER-B) landed on Mars and began conducting important analytical tests on air and soil, providing conclusive evidence of the existence of liquid water in the planet’s past. And on May 25, 2008, the NASA Phoenix Mars lander touched down in the north polar region of Mars to gain better knowledge of the planet’s ice caps.

At this time, three orbiters (Odyssey, Express, and the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter) and two rovers (Spirit and Opportunity) are still active on and above Mars. A projected launch window for November of this year will provide the necessary conditions for the launch of the Mars Science Laboratory, a faster and much more sophisticated exploration rover. Of course, no mission to date has ever acquired and then returned a sample of Mars to the Earth; scientists have had to rely on transmitted data as well as Martian meteorites. NASA administrators believe that a manned Mars mission will be feasible as early as 2037. The ESA has similar aspirations for between 2030 and 2035.

The planet Mars has been a part of the human mythos since the time of the ancient Egyptians who charted its course across the sky as early as 1534 B.C. Roman and Greek cultures used the masculine nature of the heavenly body to embody their “god of war.” Astronomers in the 19th century kept regular track of Mars with their telescopes, and in 1877, Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli produced the first detailed maps of Mars.

For more than a century, a more active “Mars Fever” has permeated our culture. In 1899, noted inventor Nikola Tesla claimed to intercept repetitive radio signals originating from Mars. Around this same time, H.G. Wells fatalistic novel “The War of the Worlds” set in motion hundreds of similar fictional works and even prompted the eventual and incredible 1938 live broadcast by Orson Welles that many mistook for an actual news alert concerning a Martian invasion. In 1948, America was introduced to a friendlier extraterrestrial in the animated form of “Marvin the Martian” from Looney Tunes and Warner Brothers. And comic book enthusiasts were rewarded with “J’onn J’onzz, the Martian Manhunter,” a Supermanesque character first introduced by DC Comics in November 1955.

To this day, novels, TV dramatizations, and major film projects still play upon the age-old fascination with Mars. My personal suggestion for one of the best … read the “Mars Trilogy” by Kim Stanley Robinson for a truly wild and intricate Martian ride!!

Over the years, I have watched the developments of NASA and other cosmologists. Every meteor shower and shuttle mission and experiment on Mir has fascinated me. And lately there have been articles and Internet synopses pertaining to “dark matter,” a relatively new supernova, and even some planned experiments to attempt to “retro-engineer” the Martian atmosphere.

But what really has my “juices flowing” is the summer plans of a good friend. He and his partner are much more knowledgeable about the cosmos than I so along with a few of their friends, they are going to rent time on a “REAL” observatory telescope. How cool is that?!!

But I do have a plan of attack of my own … this Christmas, I am going to ask all of my relatives to combine their efforts and get me a telescope ($250 to $350 range) as a hybrid XMAS/birthday gift. By spring, I hope to have a “renewed” hobby and be totally obnoxious with the amount of “heavenly info” I have to share.

POINT OF RANT: Why can’t kids take better care of their toys?

Today On The Calendar ...

2011-04-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

I hate to even use the descriptor “holiday” when referring to April Fools’ Day (or All Fools’ Day), but there are so many idiots that look on the first day of April as an excuse to let their love of tasteless antics roam free. It’s like the Holy Day for foolishness. In my mind, that was what Halloween was for.

The origins of April Fool’ Day (AFD) are a swirling mass of myth and conjecture. The earliest recorded connection between foolishness and April 1 was written in the Canterbury Tales in 1392 by Geoffrey Chaucer. One story told of a vain rooster tricked by a sly fox, while another story was set “32 days after March” which many historians believe was interpreted as April 1. Other literary works from Flemish poet Eduard de Dene and British author John Aubrey also made reference to April 1 as being an “April Fool” and the “Fools holy day” respectively.

Another interpretation has a more religious tint. According to biblical scholars, Noah committed a foolish act when he sent forth a dove before the waters of the Great Flood had receded. He did this on the “first day” of the Hebrew month corresponding to April. Some believe that this handed-down tale propagated “festival of fools” events in parts of medieval Europe.

Yet a third belief is that the celebration of April Fools developed in various cultures simply as a lighthearted way of watching spring weather supplant the cold of winter.

But the greatest consensus of people … and really the origin story that makes the most sense … believe that April Fools’ Day is a result of the establishment of the Gregorian calendar which under the rule of Charles IX moved the start of the new year from March 25 to January 1. Prior to this date, many countries like France celebrated the new year in an eight-day celebration culminating on April 1. With news of the day traveling by foot or by horse, it took years for the new calendaring system to be adopted in rural areas. So for decades, visitors to villages celebrating the old “New Year” labeled its residents as “fools” and general ridicule and harassment took on the form of jokes and pranks. Historians believe that this unofficial “horseplay” spread from France to England and Scotland in the 18th century and later to the American colonies.

While April Fools’ Day (AFD) IS NOT a legal holiday, it is widely recognized and celebrated across the globe. In the U.S., AFD is a time of debauchery where people lower their intolerance for pranks, funny jokes, and general foolery. Good-natured hoaxes are encouraged between friends and family, and even accepted in the workplace. Over the years, pranks have evolved from simple “fibs” to elaborate hoaxes that last all day. But regardless of the complexity of the prank, the originator usually ends the farce by yelling, “April Fool!!”

Some nations have a separate “twist” on AFD. In places such as New Zealand, the UK, Australia, and South Africa, jokes and pranks on April 1 only last until noon. Anyone who plays a prank on someone later in the day is dubbed an “April Fool.” But in Scotland, AFD lasts for two days. The first day is sometimes called “Hunt-The-Gowk Day” (with “gowk” meaning a foolish person) and often celebrated by sending people on meaningless errands. The second day is called “Taily Day” with jokes focusing on people’s posteriors. The “Kick Me” sign is a very common April 1 contrivance in Scotland. In France (and French-speaking portions of Canada) and Italy, April 1 is celebrated in a very similar fashion. In France it is known as “poisson d’arril” (April’s fish); Italians call it “pesce d’aprile" (April’s fish). In both countries, the prank of the day is often trying to attach paper fish to people’s backs without them noticing. In Belgium, April 1 is often celebrated by a tradition where children lock their parent and teachers out of homes and classrooms; candy or small gifts are required to gain entry. In Poland, April 1 is “Prima Aprilis” and jokes often involve whole families, businesses, schools and universities, and social organizations. Very little serious work is accomplished in Poland on the first day of April. Probably the oldest version of a national April Fools’ Day is held in Iran. Called “Sizdah Bedar,” this day of pranks and light humor was first celebrated on the 13ih day of the Persian new year (April 1 or April 2) in 536 B.C.

There are even a few countries that celebrate a similar holiday but elsewhere on the calendar. Many Spanish-speaking nations including Mexico, Spain, and Portugal observe “dia de los Sabtos Inocentes” or “Day of the Holy Innocents.” Originally a religious remembrance celebration, this day … celebrated on December 28 … has evolved into one of pranks and partying. And in Denmark, May 1 is celebrated as “Aprilsnar” with jokes and foolishness.

When I was a kid, the common pranks were simply getting you to look when someone said “hey, your shoes are untied” or when a kid colored the edge of a quarter with a black marker and got you to role it down your head, producing a black line bisecting your face. In college, the sophistication went up a few levels. We used to sneak into friends’ rooms on April 1 and reset their clocks so they were late for classes and lunch until the figured out the prank. Or we propped a wastebasket full of water above a partially open door and called for someone to come into the room. SPLAT!!

I never worked in an office where pranks were really allowed, but I have talked to people that have celebrated AFD by sneaking onto someone’s computer when they were away from their desk and hiding files, or even people who have put a five dollar bill down on the floor just under a filing cabinet and, when someone stoops to retrieve it, loudly tearing apart a scrap of material to make the other person think they have ripped their clothing. I even heard of a group of employees who filled their boss’ office with close to 500 plastic cups full of water. The supervisor had no idea how to even start the clean up.

Even mass media has gotten into the April Fools’ Day pranking game. In the 1950s, a Dutch television news show pranked viewers during an April 1 broadcast by telling them that the Tower of Pisa in Italy had toppled over; the station was flooded with phone calls demanding more information. In1976, BBC Radio 2 colluded with a British astronomer to tell people that on April 1 at 9:47 a.m. a unique planetary alignment would lessen the effect of gravity on Earth temporarily. Hundreds of people later “confirmed” that they were able to jump higher at that exact moment; some listeners called in and reported that they were actually floating. On April 1, 1997, TV hosts Alex Trebek (Jeopardy!) and Pat Sajak (Wheel of Fortune) switched hosting duties to the delight of millions of fans. On April 1, 1998, the fast food powerhouse Burger King ran an advertisement in USA Today announcing a Whopper variation for left-handed people that rotated all the condiments 180 degrees to help lefties eat a neater burger. Thousands of customers were disappointed at counters and drive-thru windows nationwide. On April 1, 2005, the official NASA Web site promised that it would be showing photos later in the day of water found on the surface of Mars; in the afternoon several pictures were posted showing a glass of water balanced on top of a Mars candy bar. On April 1, 2008, National Public Radio (NPR) pranked its straight-laced listeners by announcing that instead of the typical cash refunds, the IRS would instead be sending recipients consumer products that “they thought they would like.” And on April 1, 2010, two commentators on an ESPN segment decided to prank the public and the press by reporting to Masters Tournament lovers that Tiger Woods, who at the time was embroiled in his sex scandal, wished to furthermore be called by his given name Eldrick. The sports channel emplyees perpetrated the prank just to see how many people would swallow the bait.

But the celebration of April Fools’ Day has had some unpopular and even lethal results. On April 1, 1984, media outlets reported the shooting death of singer Marvin Gaye. Believing the story to be a fake, fans and friends of the family reacted negatively at a time when support was needed. On April 1, 2004, Google launched its “Gmail” product to initially dismal results because post people believed its features and promised 1 GB of online storage was just an elaborate hoax. And on April 1, 1946, the Aleutian Island earthquake tsunami claimed the lives of 165 people. Although the death toll was low, reports indicate that almost no one sought shelter or reacted appropriately because they believed all warnings to be an April Fools’ Day hoax!

POINT OF RANT: Happy Birthday, Jess!!!

Today In The Oven ...

2011-03-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the phrase “kill them with kindness?” Well, that works … but I have always had better luck with my own saying, “persuade them with pie,” as long as I make good on my word. I’ve tried making apple (it’s pretty good), pecan-caramel (wicked yummy!), coconut cream (tasty), strawberry-rhubarb (great for summer gatherings), and lemon meringue (sooooo refreshing), but nothing works as well as an edible “olive branch” than a cherry pie.

In my relatively short lifespan, I have given cherry pies as gifts, taken a fresh cherry pie to a friend in crisis, wowed the workers at an office potluck, and even provided one of my signature pies (as well as a pint of ice cream) to someone I had wronged.

Both pies and cherries have unique places in world and U.S. history. A pie (derived from the medieval words “coffyn” and “pye”) is a baked dish consisting of a pastry dough casing or crust that partially or completely encloses some type of filling. Most pies fall into one of three categories: savory (like “pot pies” and Shepherd’s pie and quiche), sweet (a single type or combination of fruit and berries), and cream (usually a whipped confectionary mixture that many cooks and bakers do not even recognize as a true pie). Pies range in size and shape, but most are further labeled as “filled” pies (a baking dish covered with pastry which is then covered with filling), “top-crust” pies (filling is placed in a baking dish and simply covered with pastry dough or even a potato mash type layer before baking), or “two-crust” pies (filling is completely enclosed in layers of pastry).

Historians believe that pies were initially found in Egyptian culture as early as 9500 B.C. These early pies were called “galettes” and were simply lumps of honey wrapped in a covering of ground oats, wheat, rye, or barley. Over time, pie “recipes” took on the needs and flavors of conquering cultures. Ancient Greeks developed a more true pastry dough and used it to create “meat pies” that were ideal for lightweight, easy-to-store foods that could travel both on ships and with foot soldiers. As the Romans took charge and their influence moved into northern Europe and southern Spain, pies began to make better use of salt and spices. The first Roman “cookbook” produced in the 1st century actually contained several pie recipes. And in Asian cultures, even items such as “spring rolls” and “pot stickers” are simply regional variations of the pie concept.

During the middle ages, pies were incredibly popular because they could be cooked over an open fire and could make use of local game. The Pilgrim communities and early settlers of the yet-to-be-formed U.S. brought pie recipes with them to the New World and soon pies included native fruits, berries, and nuts.

Cherry pie is a favorite type of dessert worldwide, and in America it is a staunch rival of the iconic apple pie. In fact, in the U.S., cherry pies are common players in pie eating contests and baking competitions, summer-month picnics, and restaurant dessert displays. Many bakers pay special attention to developing patterns and decorative treatments for the top crusts of cherry pies, building lattices or intricate braids or even unique cut-out shapes. Cherry pie is also one of the top items served à la mode (with a scoop of ice cream or dollop of some other dairy treat).

Of course, you can’t have a cherry pie without some cherries. Cherries … the popular stone fruit loved by millions … are a member of the Rosaceae family, making them cousins to apricots, peaches, plums, and even almonds. With more than 1,000 known varieties in the world, cherries are believed to have originated in China around 4000 B.C. Cherries have been enjoyed for centuries throughout Europe and Asia, and cherry seeds came to the Americas with the first settlers … due in part to the fact that a cherry orchard can be planted and brought to full production in between 4 to 6 years. Today, cherries are grown commercially in about 20 countries. In the U.S., cherries are primarily grown in Michigan, northern Wisconsin, Washington and the Pacific Northwest, and California.

Cherries generally fall into one of two categories. Sweet cherries … Prunus avium … are the most common type found in the U.S. and grow primarily in the northwest climates. These fruits are the larger of the cherry types, with firm and sweet meat. Sweet cherries are most usually eaten “raw” as a simply snack.

There are several popular types of sweet cherries such as the well-known Bing (extra-large fruit with dark red-to-almost black skin), Rainier (sometimes called “white cherries” because of their light yellowish flesh, golden reddish color, and delicate flavor), Lambert (heart-shaped fruit with a deep ruby color and semi-sweet flavor), Skeena (a dark red, very firm variety with a particularly strong flavor), Van (smaller than the Bing variety with a black skin and extremely sweet juice), Lapin (a large, meaty cherry that keeps extremely well and is popular worldwide for jams and jellies), Royal Ann (a golden pink variety that is used to make “maraschino” cherries), Santina (a very sweet, oval-shaped black cherry popular in British Columbia), and Sweetheart (a late seasonal cherry that is firm to the point of almost being crunchy).

Sour cherries … Prunus cerasus or “pie cherries” … are smaller in size and less sweet (or actually tart) than their sweet relatives. Because it is easier to control the sweetness levels while cooking and baking, sour cherries are highly preferred for the production of pies, desserts, sauces, candies, etc.

In the 1600s, much of the British country side boasted large cherry orchards. Cuttings from one orchard near Kent, England, were one of the first plantings completed by American colonists in Massachusetts. Today, most varieties of sour cherries grow in the Midwest and eastern United States; nearly 75 percent of the varieties grown domestically come from Michigan. Sour cherry trees are smaller than sweet varieties, require more water and a more nitrogen-rich soil, and are more resistant to blights and pests.

Varieties of sour cherries include two broad groups: Montmorency (also called “Amarelle” with light red skin, yellowish fruit, and clear juice that is the most popular variety for pies) and Morello (dark red cherries with red juice that freeze well and retain flavor).

Regardless of sugar content, most cherries have a short cultivating season … some as little as 30 days … roughly falling between early June and mid August. Medical researchers have also discovered that cherries are rich in vitamins (especially C), iron, potassium, and antioxidants. Sour cherries have higher levels of these health agents than sweet varieties. Sour cherries have also been found to exhibit anti-inflammatory properties ten times stronger than aspirin; some cherry extracts are popular herbal treatments for gout and arthritis.

I know many people make pies with fresh cherries and I do when it is summer. But like tomatoes, “fresh” cherries out of season are dreadful. Canned varieties work just fine. First you create two 9-inch crusts for a two-crust pie. In fact, if I’m thinking of doing something fancy, sometimes I make the recipe 50 percent larger so I have extra pastry dough to “play with.” But for a normal pie, sift the flower, salt, and nutmeg together in a good-sized mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, beat the oil, milk, and vanilla together lightly with a fork. Add this mixture to the sifted components and blend well. Divide the flaky dough in half. Place each half between sheets of wax paper and roll them out carefully into pie crusts. Let the crusts sit.

To create the filling, stir together the sugar, corn starch, cinnamon, and cloves in a large mixing bowl. Add the cherries and toss in the dry mixture until the cherries are coated. The required cherries for this recipe come in an odd amount (5 ½ cups). One 16 oz. can of cherries equates to about 1 ½ cups, so four cans will be just a bit too much … you need to “guesstimate” about 3 2/3 cans. If you want to use fresh cherries, 1 pound provides about 2 1/3 cups. And if you choose frozen cherries, 10 oz. of frozen cherries equals 1 cup. If you do use fresh cherries, let the bowl stand for 15 minutes (stirring occasionally) before you proceed. If you select frozen cherries, let the mixture stand until the fruit is partially thawed … about 45 minutes … before proceeding.

At this point go ahead and preheat your oven to 375 degrees F. Slowly loosen the wax paper from one crust and use it to line a 9-inch pie pan (glass preferred). Trim the crust with maybe 1/2 inch overhang. Once finished, slowly fold the sour cream into the cherry filling mixture. If it appears thin, sprinkle in some additional corn starch and stir easily. Once satisfied with the consistency, transfer the completed filling into the pastry-lined pie pan.

Now you have to decide how you are going to treat the top crust. The “easy way” is to simply place the second crust over the top of the pie and then crimp the edges together to form a seal. And cut small slits in the top crust to vent heat during baking. DON’T FORGET THE SLITS.

Another option is to use a small knife or even small cookie cutters to cut patterns into the top crust. I actually have an old ChapStick lid I saved to create a “polka dot” motif. Classic cooks often cut the top crust into strips and actually weave a lattice, carefully crimping the edges into the bottom crust. It takes some patience, but this treatment produces a gorgeous pie. Once completed, carefully brush your top crust with milk using a pastry brush and then sprinkle the whole thing with a little sugar.

Now that you are ready, place the pie on a baking sheet. To prevent overbrowning, cover the edges of the pie crust with strips of aluminum foil. Place the pie and baking sheet in the oven and bake for 30 minutes (or 50 minutes if you used frozen cherries). Open the oven door and carefully remove the foil. Bake your pie for between 25 and 30 minutes more until the crust is golden brown and you can see the filling bubbling. Remove your “labor of love" (or “project of penance”) and let the pie cool on a wire rack.

POINT OF RANT: After going to the trouble, you may just want to scarf the first one down yourself … so make two!!

Today In A Stranger's Backyard ...

2011-03-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

As I’ve stated in previous posts, my family has a tendency towards procrastination hidden deep in our genetic markers. So it was no real surprise when, a few short weeks ago, my oldest nephew announced that his yearbook “photo” was due and that no one had made a single inquiry or formulated a plan about having his “Senior Portraits” taken.

With the pervasiveness of the Internet and the pic-saturated world of Facebook, I figured that procuring pictures during their last year of prison … I mean high school … would be the furthest thing from the minds of our techno-savvy youth. And I would be wrong!

My nephew has already collected dozens of formal and candid shots from classmates whose parents, no doubt, lit a fire under them months ago about crossing this senior-year task off their burdensome lists. Some of these photos, in my opinion, were better than others, displaying more care with lighting and location and even the clothing and props chosen. And some … according to my nephew … ran his classmates close to $700!!

Many moons ago (damn, I’m old) I, too, had the daunting task of having my image captured for posterity and exploitation during my last year of state-mandated education. My parents let me handle the process, promising to put $150 toward the project … I was responsible for anything more. So during the summer between junior and senior years, I called around to three or four photography studios, scouted locations, and solicited advice from my friends concerning their intentions. I ended up working with Ray Delgado of Delgado Imagery. He was a friendly guy … about 50 … who had been taking photos for more than 20 years while also dabbling in selling real estate. Because of his contacts, Mr. Delgado had permission to use the grounds of several fairly fancy homes for his photography business.

Delgado Imagery offered the “Senior Sizzler Package,” which included one hour’s worth of shooting time, five finished 8” X 10” photos of one pose, half a dozen 5” X 7” shots of two selected poses, 25 “wallets” of three selected poses, and a keepsake proof book with your 15 best shots all for the low, low price of $185. My Dad went with me to make the initial deposit and I asked Mr. Delgado if he and I could meet a few days before the scheduled shoot to discuss my “plan.” He smiled a really toothy grin and said, “I like your spunk, kid … how about Thursday around 4?”

When I stopped by his studio, Mr. Delgado was finishing up taking some baby pictures. I waited in the small reception area but I could hear him working with the baby and the parent. He had a soothing voice that put people at ease. He had that baby squealing with delight so I figured he must be getting some really good shots. A little later, the photographer and I were sitting around a small bistro table and he was laughing about how prepared I was. I had six 4” X 6” note cards with me. One said “formal” and I think I had scribbled notes like “suit and tie? best colors? outside?” Other cards included “swing choir,” “art,” “reading,” and “sport.” And my last card just said “bridge” because there was a park with a small bridge on one of its trails that I had always loved and hoped it could be worked into a photo. For additional visual support, I had taped some images from magazines to all of the cards.

It took about 30 minutes to address each card, but Mr. Delgado didn’t seem to mind taking the time. He asked me if I was comfortable in a suit and I told him a shirt and tie was more my style. “Shirt and tie it is,” he said. He also assured me that a pale solid shirt would work fine and that we could take a few nice outdoor poses with no problem. The “art” and “reading” poses were easy to plan and we agreed on a few props that I would provide. Under “sport” I explained that I had ran cross country for two years but it wasn’t anything recent and I felt odd claiming that as a non-participating senior. I also mentioned that I had played golf with my father a few times but didn’t really enjoy it. We jotted down a few ideas that seemed like winners. For “swing choir” I didn’t need to explain because Mr. Delgado knew about our school’s award-winning group. I did, however, have to explain the bridge and my desire to have at least one kind of “artsy” pose.

And just as we finished going over my notions, Mr. Delgado’s eyes grew wide and he blurted out, “could you pull yourself together for pictures by Saturday morning?” I was a bit shocked but told him “sure.” He gave me a card with an address on the “nice” side of town and told me to give him between two-and-a-half and three hours and we could “knock it out of the park.” I was excited but nervous because of the time.

“Mr. Delgado … maybe I should scale back because I want to keep the price under control. My parents …“

He put his hand on my shoulder. “Son,” he countered. “We’ll make this work.”

So at around 9 a.m. on Saturday, I pulled into a sprawling, tree-lined lot with a fairly modern looking single story home. The mailbox said “The Wellingtons,” which meant nothing to me. Mr. Delgado was in the driveway and escorted me inside. He explained that the Wellingtons were good friends of him and his wife, and that they were out of town for the weekend and had no problem with us using their home for a few photos.

We lugged my props into the entry way and then I was shown to a small guest bathroom where I changed into my “formal wear” and checked my hair and stuff. When I came out, Mr. Delgado fussed with me a bit, straightening my tie and running a lint brush over me. We moved into the living room area where Mr. Delgado had set up some lights and diffusers near a wall boasting a huge weaving showing coarse vertical bands of ecru, tan, and ochre. He had me work through a variety of stand poses before he clicked off the lights and ushered me outside into the Wellington's spacious and enclosed backyard. Several types of summer foliage were in bloom and Mr. Delgado used these as artful backdrops. The Wellingtons also had a rock garden alcove and I sat on a granite chunk for a few more pics. Formal ... check.

Mr. Delgado was very pleased with how well I took directions and he said we would be finished up “here” in no time. I wondered what he meant exactly when he scooted me inside to change into my jeans and casual pullover. Once dressed, we used a study in the home’s small office/library to shoot a few frames of me reading my all-time favorite book … Ursula LeGuin’s “A Wizard of Earthsea.” Reading … check.

Then Mr. Delgado surprised me when he threw me an old denim shirt. It was a little too long and covered with paint like it was used when doing chores, but I shrugged into it. “Just see if this works for you,” he said with a wink. We set up my easel complete with a large blank canvas for effect. I retrieved a few brushes from my art kit and removed my palette from a garbage bag. Mr. Delgado moved over his lights and took a couple of readings. He explained that he wanted to create some harsh shadows. I trusted his skills so I just nodded and did as I was told. As the photographer moved around me to try and get a moody portrait of an “artist at work,” his frown told me that he wasn’t happy with the set up. Suddenly he asked me if I had actual paints in my kit. “Yeah,” I said and that led to the man actually smearing small dabs of paint on my face and then he took more shots with much greater gusto. Art … check.

Once this scene was done, Mr. Delgado asked if I had any more clothing changes planned. I told him yes so he dismissed me and sent me into the restroom to wipe off my face and alter my attire. It didn’t take me long but I could tell the photog was slightly surprised when I emerged in cargo shorts, a t-shirt layered under a burgundy striped oxford, high tops, and spiked hair. I had also put in my earring and put on two chokers I almost always wear. “This is how I dress,” I explained firmly. “I figured since I am paying for part of this that I should look like ME.” He just gave me a resigned smile and directed me to follow him.

We exited the home proper through the kitchen into a well-lit garage. There, standing near a bluish gray wall, stood a recording microphone from like the '30s. "It's a prop from a community theatre play that I had stored at the studio. I thought you might like to try a few poses with it and we'll see how they turn out." Mr. Delgado also handed me a pair or matte gray headphones. They did't look exactly like recording studio equipment, but the neon yellow accents on them were really cool. I aped a few rocker poses and even did the "cupping your ears for the high note" pose. Through the headphone padding I'm sure I heard the photographer's muffled laughter. Swing choir ... check.

I helped Mr. Delgado load the microphone into his Jeep Cherokee before we headed back into the Wellington’s yard. The photographer directed me back over toward the rock garden and I noticed for the first time the slightly Asian-looking red footbridge and a koi pond. Mr. Delgado suggested I take off my shoes and dangle my feet in the water. “George and Maggie haven’t had any fish in there for years,” he explained when he saw my reluctance. Mr. Delgado certainly was imaginative. He took shots of me from several angles, even from up and behind me. He never had me look at the camera and I hoped his artistic flair and forced perspectives would look cool. Bridge … check.

We broke down the lighting equipment inside and did a quick check of the library and bathroom to see that everything was in order. When we stood outside beside my old beater, I checked my watch and was amazed that it was only 10:40.

I was about to ask when he thought I could see proofs when Mr. Delgado asked if I had enough time for one quick stop. I assured him I had set aside the entire morning. He grinned and told me to follow him to Twilight Lanes, the local bowling alley. About 15 minutes later we were inside the lanes and shaking hands with the manager. Mr. Delgado explained that he had asked if we could spend a few minutes over in the far corner lane before business picked up for the day. The manager … a dude named Loren … was a buddy of his and said it wouldn’t be a problem. He even turned the overheads on over the back alleys so Mr. Delgado didn’t need any extra lights. I grabbed a blue-swirled ball and met the photographer on lane 22. He positioned himself to my left about a third of the way down lane 21 and had me throw about 10 balls. For the last three he closed the distance by half.

I felt like I was in a professional model shoot; my mind was filled with ideas I wished we had tried at the Wellingtons. Damn, I wish I would have climbed up into that treehouse, I thought. So I think Mr. Delgado was both surprised and pleased when I asked him if we could just take a few shots at one of the nearby pool tables because I loved shooting pool. Sport … check.

Long story short … I went with the outdoor formal pose for my yearbook shot and 8” X 10”s. And the art pose with paint smears and the dangling feet in the pond pose made it to 5” X 7”s and wallets. The shooting pool pose … a close-up with my face and a cue close to the felt … was awesome, but I liked the others better. The reading, singing, and bowling poses were fine too, but my family and I agreed that the other ones were better choices.

And Mr. Delgado was the most awesome prize of all. He offered to give me the whole package as planned for $220 dollars if he could use my proofs for promotional purposes. And when I picked up all my prints, he had made a 5” X 7” and a set of wallets (50) of the pool pose I liked so much for free!! I think it was the one picture that all my friends wanted too.

So back to my nephew. I ended up taking his yearbook photo. We picked out an awesome shirt and tie and then went to a nearby bookstore that has all these interesting nooks and alcoves. We took pics in about 10 locations and ended up with some truly good shots.

I also sat down with my oldest brother’s son and we created a plan. He isn’t a football star or a pet owner, but he does love rock climbing walls and taking care of his used car … his baby! So I suggested the climbing wall at a big sports complex in Columbus and maybe simple pictures of him checking his oil or washing the car or even gassing it up. I also suggested some shots of him playing with his Xbox and maybe some outdoor shots at a nearby playland on the jungle gyms or curly slides. There’s even a carousel nearby, but he thought that sounded “girly.”

“What about me with a guitar?” he suggested.

“But you don’t play guitar.”

“Who cares … it’s cool!”

POINT OF RANT: Why do I bother?

Today At The Table ...

2011-03-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

My family is a competitive bunch of misfits! If we can attempt to outdo one another at anything, we do. And this same trait has affected my choice of friends. Most of my closest comrades are fiercely competitive to the bitter end. We even brag about who found the best parking spot when we go out in a group.

Anyway, earlier today my family gathered for a late lunch celebrating the return of my oldest nephew from a short school trip. We ate … we talked … and then we got out the board games.

Since I was a tiny kid, the family has taken out some of its individual and collective aggressions at the dining room table … inflicting our pain through high rents in “Monopoly” or snarky comments when someone misses an “easy one” in “Trivial Pursuit.” To be honest, my sister has always enjoyed inflicting pain by ACTUALLY inflicting pain … I have the mended bones and faded scars to prove it.

I always scream for “Boggle” if the crowd is the right mix. My oldest brother is a “Risk” lover; my other brother has a passion for all things “Clue.” My sister enjoys the simplicity of “Bingo” and “Password.” But over the last few years, literally everyone in the extended family has grown to love a not-so-promoted game called “Apples to Apples.”

This fruity free-for-all was originally published in 1998 by Out of the Box Publishing, a Madison, Wisconsin company focused on innovative card and party games that are both easy to learn and relatively quick to play. In fact, of the 45 games marketed by Out of the Box, most require about five minutes to learn the basic rules and between 30 minutes and 40 minutes to play.

Basically, “Apples to Apples” is a card game. Each player is dealt seven “red apple” cards containing a noun or noun phrase. These cards are very specific … meatloaf, Richard Nixon, neighbors, kittens, etc. The judge (a rotating player) draws a “green apple” card containing an adjective … eerie, challenging, sexy, patriotic, etc. The judge displays and/or reads the green apple card aloud and the remaining players choose a card from their hand that best “matches” the noun. The judge mixes up the selected cards and usually reads them aloud. Then, in a completely subjective manner the judge awards the card (or point) to the person who creates the most humorous or interesting connection. The round concludes by everyone drawing another red apple card to maintain seven cards in their hand. The judging duties typically rotate to the player on the left. Once a player earns a predetermined number of green apple cards, he or she is declared the winner.

“Apples to Apples” can accommodate four to 10 players. Game instructions suggest the number of “points” needed for a win based on the number of players … the more players the lower the total needed to win to keep the play time manageable. In my family, we love the damn game so much we usually always play to 20. And having a little bit of wine going around the table for the adults never hurts.

Since more of the older nieces and nephews have joined in on the fun, we’ve even started playing some of the more complicated variations suggested by the manufacturers. One of our favorites is “Apple Turnovers.” In this type of play, each player is dealt a hand of “green apple” (adjective) cards and the judge provides a “red apple” (noun) card for the match. Another option to spice things up is playing “Crab Apples” where the object of the game is to provide a “red apple” card that is the most UNLIKE the “green apple” card. And in “2 for 1 Apples,” two “green apple” cards are used and players have to find a matching “red apple” card that makes the most sense for both.

All of my siblings and I own a copy of “Apples to Apples.” I have the “party crate version” that comes housed in a wooden box similar to a miniature apple crate. Besides slightly different packaging, there are four expansion card sets for the game as well as the following editions: Kids, Junior, Bible, Jewish, Spanish, German, UK, Disney, a travel “To Go” version, and an online game. (Not all versions are currently available.)

In 1999 … one year after its release … “Apples to Apples” was awarded the MENSA Select Prize (awarded to five outstanding games each year) and the National Parenting Center’s seal of approval, as well as being named “Party Game of the Year” by Games magazine. If there was a “Makes You Feel Like A Kid Cause You’re Having So Much Fun” award, “Apples to Apples” would have received it SEVERAL times!

In September of 2007, Mattel Inc. … the mega giant of the toy and game industry ,,, acquired the rights to “Apples to Apples.”

POINT OF RANT: Sorry UNO … we’ll dust you off one of these days!!

Today In A Magazine Article ...

2011-03-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

In previous blogs, I have mentioned my cat Pickles (full name Sweet Pickles). She was a surprise “housewarming” gift from a co-worker when I moved into this new apartment about nine months ago. Pickles is fun, frisky, and loves to scratch my furniture and chew cords. I was ill-prepared for having a pet because, as a child, my family never had pets. No cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, turtles, guinea pigs, rabbits, snakes … you get the picture. But Pickles and I have made our peace and she’s a hell of a lot easier to keep alive than a houseplant.

About a month ago that same co-worker stopped me and told me a “tale of woe” concerning the lady whom donated Pickles (formerly known as “Topsy” I discovered) for my gift. It seems this woman needs to have knee surgery and is going to stay at her daughter’s place in Virginia while recuperating. The recovery and associated physical therapy was estimated to require between eight and 10 weeks, which was great with this lady’s family because they had been trying to get “Grandma” to move in for years. But the hitch was that this lady still had another pet cat … Turvy … and her grand-daughter is allergic to cats. Topsy Turvy … well, at least Pickles’ original name makes some sense now.

So to make a long story short … Pickles (the extrovert) was reunited with her introverted sister (they are actually from the same litter) who I renamed Moo (short for “Moo Goo Gai Pan”) and all hell has broken loose. In the dictionary, the term “topsy turvy” is deined as “confused, disorderly, or an inversion of the natural order.” Truer words have never been printed on high-quality paper. These two cats are insane when they rough house, and it’s MY HOUSE they are chewing and scratching their way through. Blinds … curtains … earbuds … lamp cords … shoe strings …dish towels … anything and everything is fair game.

And then there’s the “stigma” of being a double cat owner. I recently read an article where the writer said, “Single men and cats are like a burger and broccoli. Separately they are okay, but together it just seems off.” When I meet people I sometimes lie about my feline flatmates because people assume a single man my age with cats is “troubled” and destined for a life of loneliness and tea parties with his still-in-the-original-packaging action figures! P.S. … they are not dolls, people!!

So it’s time to defend my cats’ honor as well as my own!! Here’s the scoop …

The domesticated cat … Felis catus … has been associated with humans for more than 9,500 years. These little furry felines have been valued for providing companionship, preying on pests and vermin, and even inspiring entire civilizations. Mine mostly chew stuff.

The ancestors of domesticated cats lived about 10 million to 15 million years ago and share genetic “stuff” with lions, tigers, cougars, and other ferocious “kitties.” During the evolution process, domestic cats really haven’t changed that much. They are still small, have a strong social nature and love of play, display high intelligence and a system of communication, and still possess their innate hunting skills and abilities.

It has always been said that domesticated cats were first prominent in Egypt, but more recent discoveries trace their first appearances to Cypress and Africa just under 10,000 years ago. But ancient Egyptians definitely raised the bar on the treatment of cats. Around 3500 B.C., many Egyptians worshiped cats and looked at them as embodiments of their gods. Some prayed to them and pampered them ridiculously. Some protected them because of their abilities to hunt and kill mice and other destructive vermin. There were even elaborate funerals for pet cats and equally horrible punishments for individuals who harmed these beloved felids. There have been hundreds or ornate caskets found with carefully mummified cats inside, as well as embalmed mice for “treats” in the afterlife. Historic records also show that some Egyptian cat owners shaved off all their hair to mourn the loss of their pets. If a home caught fire in ancient Egypt, the cat was saved first. The Egyptians also honored and revered Bast, a goddess with the body of a woman and the head of a cat, as the protector of these sacred animals and as a deity who bestowed luck and favor on people who cared for her “many children.”

Many other civilizations, too, catered to the whims of cats. The Romans of the 1st and 2nd century treated domesticated cats like royalty. Romans are also believed to have been responsible for the spread of cats to most of Europe. In Norse mythology, Freyja … the goddess of love and fertility … rode in a chariot pulled by cats. In Japan, the Maneki Neko is a cat that brings good fortune. And many seafaring tribes and peoples took cats aboard ships because they believed these animals brought luck and could perceive approaching storms and dangers. It is this last practice that is believed to have spread the domesticated cat to other continents.

Today, there are more than 500 million domesticated cats in the world. According to a 2009-2010 study endorsed by the Humane Society of the United States, there are 93.6 million “owned” cats in the U.S. … about 16 million more than pet canines. On average, one third of American households have at least one cat; the average “cat owner” has 2.45 pets.

The domestic cat was first classified in 1758 in the 10^th edition of Systema Naturae. Currently, there are 41 recognized breeds of domesticated cats. Purebred cats (or pedigree cats) are animals whose entire lineage has been maintained within one standard breed; these animals represent less than 10 percent of the overall cat population. Many other breeds are grouped into loose “clowders” (a group of cats) such as domestic longhair, domestic shorthair, and other nomenclature based on coat length, fur pattern, body type, or any number or genetic quirks created by a cat’s more than 20,000 separate genes and 38 chromosomal pairs.

But the real question still remains: why choose a cat for a pet? First off, cats have super powers. Cats have additional thoracic and lumbar vertebrae that provide it with exceptional mobility, flexibility, and balance. They even possess “floating clavicles” that allow them to move through tight spaces. Cats have a more acute sense of hearing than people (and dogs!). They can hear an incredibly wide range of frequencies as well as fainter noises in part because of their large, movable outer ears which both amplify sound and provide better source direction for the noises. Cats also have super vision … because of retinal formations and slit pupils, cats can see in near darkness by focusing all available light. But they see in only blues and greens … weird! Add to the list that cats have “super jaws” and specially formulated teeth to kill prey; a sense of smell that can perceive one part per billion of a substance in catnip; protractible claws for defense and hunting; a special gait similar to camels and giraffes that assures balance and even stealth; and a system of whiskers that provide sensory information on everything from air currents to the dimensions of gaps in small spaces. And don’t forget the super metabolism … cats have extremely efficient digestive systems, can tolerate temperatures up to 133° F with access to water, and can conserve heat for cold weather conditions by reducing the flow of blood to their skin. Cats should come with capes!!

The second reason to choose a cat as a pet is that cats can talk. Numerous studies have documented that cats use a variety of sounds and body language to communicate with each other and with their human caregivers. Ask any cat owner and they will confirm that the meows, purrs, trills, growls, squeals, and hisses from their little “furballs” all correlate to very specific needs and emotional states. Likewise, cats will make body contact, move their ears and tails, fall into a self-grooming pattern, or even do the “kneading” trick with their front paws to express themselves. They even emit pheromones (undetectable by humans) to convey their feelings and emotions to each other. Dogs just bark. Hamsters just keep running in their wheels. And turtles … turtles just take up space.

Thirdly on my list … cats keep you healthy. Although there are an estimated 400,000 minor cat bites inflicted on pet owners each year, cat ownership has been shown to provide greater mental health through affection and companionship. Reduced physical responses to stress also are a benefit of owning a cat. Studies in America, Switzerland, England, and other locations have shown reduced blood pressure in at-risk cat owners as well as a corresponding lower risk of heart attacks and strokes.

And finally … and maybe most importantly … cats just make better pets from a practical standpoint. According to more Humane Society data, cat owners spend less money on routine vet visits than do dog owners. Cats use a litter box for “their business” … a natural instinct not dimmed in millions of years … so they do not need to be taken outside or specially trained. If something comes up at the office or if an opportunity presents itself for overnight or weekend travel, a cat can be left to its own devices. Cats are generally low maintenance, providing a sense of freedom to their owners. A dog … oh, no! A dog would need a sitter or a walker or a stay at a kennel in a similar situation.

As I wrote this blog post, I was feeling good about my relationship with my pets … aside from the destruction of personal property. Then I saw some information that actually made me a little smug. Suddenly, owning a pair of feisty felines made me a little cocky.

A higher percentage of cat owners both adopted their pets from animal shelters and had their animals spayed or neutered as compared to their canine-loving counterparts. Additionally, a psychological study conducted at the University of Texas at Austin put “cat people” in a good light when researching the differences between “us” and “dog lovers.” Looking at personality traits and the connections between people and their pets, subjects who associated themselves with cats were noted to be more open and flexible. And then a separate study conducted in the UK found that a higher percentage of cat owners (over dog owners) held advanced educational degrees.

So people … and dog owners, in particular … quit dissing on our kitties!!

POINT OF RANT: My one cat is a “polydactyl,” meaning she has extra toes. And extra toes mean extra claws. Maybe all the scratching and chewing is just in her “super powered mutant” nature! SNIKT!!

Today In My Closet ...

2011-03-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

When I went away to college at the age of 18, I was suddenly 2 ½ hours away from home and surrounded by people roughly my own age of every race, orientation, and idiosyncrasy. I was so desperate to find my own “style” that I copied everyone else looking for it. I pierced my ears. I tried red hair and blue hair and bleached blond hair. I wore eyeliner for two months, for God's sake. I started wearing camouflage pants … then rugby shirts … then workout "jams" ... then cargo shorts. And then for a semester, I made friends with this crazy guy in pottery class and I started mimicking him. So off and on for 15 weeks, I wore a kilt. My God … I wore a kilt … in public … in front of people. YIKES!!

By definition, the kilt is a knee-length garment that originated in the 16^th century in the highlands of Scotland. Traditionally, kilts were worn by men and boys during formal occasions such as weddings and sporting events. But in the 1800s the garment gained more popularity in all of Scotland and surrounding Celtic nations. In Ireland, particularly, a solid kilt … called a “cilt” … came into general fashion around 1900. Likewise, kilts became popular in Wales, Normandy, and parts of Spain and Portugal.

Today, in Scotland, kilts are still primarily considered formal dress … kind of like the American tuxedo. They are also popular attire for dances, pipe band competitions, parades, and celebrations like the Highland Games. Certain military groups with a Scottish heritage occasionally utilize ceremonial kilts as well; these groups include regiments of the British Army, certain units of the military in Australia and New Zealand, and the pipe and drum bands of the U.S. Marine Corps, U.S. Military Academy, U.S. Coast Guard, and the U.S. Air Force.

Both traditionally-styled and more contemporary kilts (also known as “modern kilts” or “utility kilts”) have been growing in the men’s garment industry in the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. And while wool is still popular, fabrics such as leather, denim, corduroy, and cotton have been used to give kilts more versatility and to make them more affordable. Designs are available for formal and casual wear, utilizing traditional pleating and fasteners as well as velcro and pockets for tools and other items.

The original kilts of the Highlands were referred to as “great kilts” because the garments extended over the shoulder and could be used as a cloak or head cover. The more common version ... the one most Americans picture in their brains ... is termed a “small kilt” or “walking kilt” and wasn’t adopted until the later 1800s.

Kilts have been seen in ancient Egypt (pleated linen wraps known as “shendyts”) as well as Ireland and other Gaelic nations, but the Scottish kilt is very unique in its construction and adherence to centuries-old traditions. Kilts are made of twill-woven worsted wool. It’s a heavier fabric, but weavers and manufacturers create a variety of weights appropriate for various seasons and activities.

A traditional kilt is a very tailored garment, carefully matched to the wearer’s waist, hips, and height. It takes between 8 and 9 yards of fabric to construct a kilt that covers a man’s body from the waist down to the center of his knees. Starting from one side (usually the wearer’s left), kilt fabric is wrapped around the front and back of the body and across the front again to the opposite side. A system of fastening straps and buckles secures the waist. Kilts seldom have hems to avoid seeming bulky.

The overlapping layers in the front of a kilt are called "aprons" and they are flat. The single layer of fabric the covers the sides and back of the body is pleated with either knife pleats (simple folds) or more structured box pleats.

But for most people, choosing a kilt is all about the tartan. Tartan is sometimes called the sett, but basically it is the unique plaid design that is woven for kilt construction. Setts are created by the vertical and horizontal arrangement of specific thread counts of a structured sequence of colored fibers. A tartan or set code is maintained so that the pattern can be duplicated. Tartans can be created symmetrically (with the pattern being mirrored at a pivot point) or asymmetrically (where the pattern is just repeated over and over). Likewise, the tartan can be worked into the pleating so that either one dominant stripe of the pattern runs down each pleat (making the unpleated front appear different from the sides and back of the kilt), or the fabric can be folded in such a way that the same pattern is maintained throughout the garment.

Once a tartan pattern has been established, there are typically four color variations developed. An “ancient” treatment takes the color sequence and skews the colors to resemble the vegetable dyes used centuries ago. In this process, blues and greens become slightly lighter and reds have an orange tinge. In the “modern” variation, colors are very intense and bright. “Weathered” tartan attempts to create cloth that appears worn by the elements by adjusting greens into light browns, blues into grays, and reds into mulberry colors. And finally, a “muted” variation skews the tartan toward earth tones where greens are olive, blues look like slate, and reds take on a deep wine color.

For centuries, tartan patterns have been associated with clans and families, as well as geographic regions. Today, there are even tartans representing schools and universities, corporations, sporting clubs, special events, and even single individuals. And generic patterns are available to anyone.

Beginning in the 19th century, weaving companies began developing a formalized system for filing registered tartan patterns. Today most of these patterns are part of the international tartan index of the Scottish Tartans Authority (STA). The STA is a wonderful resource for many things Scottish, including tartan formulas, fabric samples, and more than 3,500 registered setts. And with the variations I mentioned previously, that means more than 14,000 separate registered patterns!!

But there is more to wearing a kilt than just “putting on a skirt” and calling it a day! When worn in a more traditional setting, kilts are often accompanied by structured jackets, woolen kilt “hose” turned down at the knee, moccasin-type shoes, a sporran (a decorated purse or pouch worn at the waist), a kilt pin, and a sgian dubh (Gaelic for “black knife,” a small ceremonial weapon worn in the top of the hose). Tradition also states that a “true Scotsman” wears nothing under his kilt, so underwear is often omitted.

In more contemporary settings, kilts are paired with sports jerseys, t-shirts, and flannel shirts, as well as sneakers and work boots. And the “going commando” thing is up to the individual.

POINT OF RANT: With my legs, a kilt should NEVER have become a part of my wardrobe!!

Today In The Frig ...

2011-03-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

I bought some pepper turkey at my favorite deli … sliced extra thick … as well as some mild Swiss cheese, crisp lettuce, and a luscious tomato. I was going to build the perfect sandwich. So I was just short of insane when I discovered that my jar of Miracle Whip was empty. I mean like “rattle, rattle” empty.

I was raised on Miracle Whip. There was no debate or battle to choose sides in my house. Miracle Whip was used on sandwiches and burgers and in yummy pasta and potato salads. I remember being about 7 and having lunch at a neighbor kid’s house. His Mom had made tuna salad for sandwiches and, as was their family custom, used Hellmann’s … Miracle Whip’s top competitor. After that first bite, I wanted to ask my pal’s Mom if she had substituted rat for tuna. It tasted disgusting. So in my world, the fight of Miracle Whip vs. Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise … the “real” standing for “really awful” … was simply good vs. bad. Actually, good vs. evil!

In 1933, Kraft Foods launched its Miracle Whip product at the Chicago World’s Fair. The company claims that the product was an in-house development, but some attribute this creamy condiment to a man named Max Crosset who created a vibrant salad dressing in 1931 which he later sold to Kraft. Regardless of its origins, Miracle Whip sits on grocery shelves everywhere and on refrigerator shelves in millions of homes.

Miracle Whip … supposedly named for the “whip” apparatus developed to mix the product into a proper consistency … is defined as a salad dressing and sandwich spread, but it has become interchangeable with mayonnaise as a condiment and cooking ingredient in salads, dips, and more. Like mayonnaise, Miracle Whip embraces the simplicity of the recipe … eggs, oil, salt, mustard, and vinegar or lemon juice. But Miracle Whip doesn’t stop at standard … it truly delivers a “zip” with higher levels of vinegar, sugar (a supposed no-no for “true” mayo), garlic, paprika, and other palette-pleasing spices. It’s bold! It’s zesty! It’s sweet! It’s oh-so creamy! And it has HALF THE FAT of traditional mayonnaise!!

But what has been catching my eye lately is the hilarious advertising campaign that highlights the “feelings” of both fans and detractors of Miracle Whip. One advocate says “Miracle Whip is America!” Another believes that MW may be “the greatest thing since toilet paper.” But on the antis’ side, one woman rates Miracle Whip’s taste on a 1-10 “bad scale” at 26! And one unhappy man describes the eggy emulsion as “spreadable disappointment.”

POINT OF RANT: Regardless of where you stand on the MW vs. Hellmann’s debate, you will love this vid of a commercial currently airing.

Today at the Library of Congress ...

2011-03-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

When I was a young child, my mother worked as the Head Librarian at a small branch library. The building was an old church and the upper levels were “off limits” because of structural issues. Each summer, my Mom would create a crazy theme for the summer reading program. When we were able, each of my siblings and I would volunteer time to let the very small kids read their weekly selections to us … well, at least a few pages. And of course, not a half hour went by without one young patron presenting us with a selection from the esteemed Dr. Seuss.

Dr. Seuss was the popular pen name for American writer and cartoonist Theodor Seuss Geisel. Born on March 2, 1904 … 107 years ago today … in Springfield, Massachusetts to German immigrant parents, Geisel created a signature style in children’s literature that has touched the lives and hearts of hundreds of millions of young readers. His style was bold and imaginative, and his unique use of rhyme and illustrative panache were both exciting and comforting to people of all ages.

Geisel attended Dartmouth College in the early 1920s where he was editor-in-chief of a humor magazine, the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern. He was caught drinking gin with some buddies … violating national Prohibition laws … and forced to quit his editorial job. But Geisel had too much to say and continued to have his work secretly published in the magazine under the simple name “Seuss.” After graduation, he entered a doctoral program at Oxford. Although he never completed the advanced degree, much of his work was simply signed “Dr. Seuss.”

After college, Geisel brought his unique humor and world view to a variety of tasks and careers. He worked as an illustrator for advertising campaigns for such businesses as Standard Oil. He produced more than 400 scathing political cartoons for PM, a New York City newspaper. And he submitted countless freelance humorous articles, cartoon strips, and illustrations to notable publications like Life, Vanity Fair, and The Saturday Evening Post.

Geisel also worked with and for the U.S. Army during WWII. In 1942, he helped produce posters for the Treasury Department and the War Production Board that supported the U.S. war effort. In 1943, he joined the Army and was made commander of the animation department of the first-ever Motion Picture Unit of the U.S. Army Air Forces. Geisel worked on several short instructional films and documentary pieces. One such piece won the 1947 Academy Award for best documentary feature. Geisel’s wartime work would earn another Oscar in 1950.

But the Theo Geisel … Dr. Seuss … we know and love was all about children’s books. His first was And to Think I Saw It On Mulberry Street! … one of my all-time favorites … but probably a few more popular titles include The Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, Hop on Pop, Horton Hears a Who!, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Over his lifetime, Geisel authored 44 Dr. Seuss classics.

And “classic” was what these books were, defined by several unique style points. Although his early work was accomplished with pencils or watercolors, Dr. Seuss books are illustrated using the stark contrast of pen and ink. Most of Geisel’s illustrations were black, white, and perhaps two or three bold colors. Characters … whether people, animals, or imaginary combinations … tended to be rounded and “droopy.” This same soft styling was likewise applied to buildings, flowers, food, and machinery. Geisel also loved architecture and often drew elaborate buildings and backdrops that defied standard geometry. Two other trademark Dr. Seuss techniques were characters with long, interlocking fingers and the use of accent lines to create motion or to illustrate the use of the senses of sight and smell and hearing.

And, of course, there was the rhyming. In 1937, while on an ocean voyage from Europe to the U.S., Geisel was captivated by the rhythm of the ship's engines. While at sea, he wrote several poems and utilized the poetic devices of anapestic tetrameter (four rhythmic units, each composed of two weak beats followed by a strong beat) and trochaic tetrameter (four units per line, but one strong beat followed by one weak beat) to create a style of prose that draws the reader into the text … literally pulling you through the story in an amazingly exciting way.

But one classic Geisel twist you don’t hear much about was his subtle placement of his political views into his children’s books. A liberal Democrat, Geisel was morally opposed and very outspoken about the threat of fascism. He also felt that the dangers of communism were somewhat overblown and used as a scare tactic on the American people. Over the decades, Geisel managed to subtly share his feelings on environmentalism (The Lorax), racial equality (The Sneetches), the dangers of materialism and consumerism (How the Grinch Stole Christmas), and even present an allegory for the Hiroshima bombing and the American post-war occupation of Japan (Horton Hears a Who!).

On September 24, 1991, Theodor Geisel succumbed to throat cancer at the age of 87. But this man … our wacky, lovable Dr. Seuss … was honored in a myriad of ways. Libraries to this day prominently feature his works. To date, Geisel’s “Dr. Seuss” books have sold nearly 225 million copies and have been translated into 15 languages.

His books have additionally spawned a number of adapted-for-television specials that originally aired between the mid ‘60s and early ‘80s. Who amongst us hasn’t repeatedly watched “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” around the holidays? Move over Charlie Brown … my DVR is set for the Grinch! And of course. we have three feature films that retell the classic exploits of the Grinch, The Cat in the Hat, and Horton to modern audiences.

For his critical work, Geisel was awarded two Academy awards, two Emmy awards, a Peabody award, the Laura Ingalls Wilder Medal, and the Pulitzer Prize.

In 1995, the library on the University of California at San Diego campus was renamed Geisel Library in honor of his contributions to the library and for his lifetime devotion to improving literacy. In 1997, an exhibit of Geisel’s other works … sculptures, prints, and paintings that he did for pure pleasure and which he called his “secret art” … was launched as The Art of Dr. Seuss Project. This exhibit toured major museums and galleries across the globe, allowing Geisel to be acknowledged along with the other great artists of history. In 2000, “Seussical the Musical” … a retrospective blend of characters and plotlines … opened on Broadway and ran for 198 performances before spending several years touring both the U.S. and Europe. In 2002, the Dr. Seuss National Memorial Sculpture Garden opened in Geisel’s birthplace of Springfield, Mass. And in March of 2004, the U.S. Postal Service issued a Dr. Seuss postage stamp to commemorate the 100^th anniversary of Geisel’s birth.

Today … March 2, 2011 … Theodor Seuss Geisel was honored as First Lady Michelle Obama read from his works at the Library of Congress as part of National Read Across America Day. This initiative was created by the National Education Association whose governing board specifically selected Geisel’s birthday as its national reading campaign showpiece.

POINT OF RANT: Your magic will never be matched, Dr. Seuss!

Today In A Bookstore ...

2011-02-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

Six months ago, everyone was talking about “the little book that could.” And Hollywood was abuzz about the indie movie version as well as a deal with Sony Entertainment to make a Hollywood adaptation that George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp were all chomping at the bit to be attached to.

It’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (adapted from its original title “Men Who Hate Women”) by the late Swedish author, journalist, and activist Stieg Larsson.

The book … part of a trilogy known as the "Millennium series" … chronicles the exploits of noted journalist Mikael Blomkvist, a respected investigative reporter and publisher of the political magazine Millennium in Stockholm. In this novel, Blomkvist has just lost a criminal libel case against a billionaire Swedish industrialist and his career is in ruins. While awaiting the start of his prison sentence, he is approached by representatives of Henrik Vanger … an elderly man and former CEO of another huge Swedish manufacturing conglomerate. Intrigued by the contact, Blomkvist meets with Vanger to discuss a job offer writing the Vanger family biography. And although the writing assignment is legit, Blomkvist’s real assignment … known only to a slect few … would be to use his investigative skills to solve the decades-old disappearance (perhaps murder) of Vanger’s favorite niece, Harriet. At first, the principled journalist refuses, but a substantial paycheck is promised as well as evidence that will help him prove that he was wronged in the libel suit. Begrudgingly, Blomkvist accepts the job.

Running parallel to Blomkvist’s rollercoaster life is a young woman named Lisbeth Salander. Troubled as a youth and actually institutionalized for psychological reasons, Salander works as a freelance researcher for a security firm … the same firm that did a comprehensive background investigation on Blomkvist before Henrik Vanger hired him. Salander is abrupt, socially awkward, and heavily inked, but she also possesses incredible deductive skills, as well as computer hacking abilities she uses covertly to enhance her work. But because of her turbulent past, she is technically a ward of the state and has a guardian who oversees her finances and other life activities. Recently, Salander is assigned a new guardian by the name of Nils Bjurman, a closet sadist who extorts sexual “favors” from her and eventually rapes her. Unaware of her keen intellect and resourcefulness, she exacts a telling revenge on Bjurman and then needs to distance herself from both the man and the city of Stockholm.

Meanwhile, Blomkvist has been meeting with dozens of members of the extended Vanger family and is finding bits and pieces of a growing mystery. Something seems sinister in the Vanger clan and he needs a researcher to help sort things out. Blomkvist and Salander eventually become associates, he with a strong attraction to her unique personality and she in the dubious position of knowing literally every detail about her new “employer.” The relationship blossoms over plot twists, the intricacies of international business fraud, a tour of much of the Swedish landscape, trips to other continents, and a trail of subtle clues that ends in secret identities, family betrayal, and serial murder.

I cannot begin to describe how fascinatingly intricate and interwoven this novel is. The first 15 pages were brutaly slowl, but from page 16 I could not put the damn thing down. If the publishers had made the book waterproof, I would have showered with it. The main characters are so flawed you just want to sit down with them and buy them a coffee and a muffin and have them pour out their hearts. The Vanger family is as screwed up as it gets, yet I was dying to meet every one of them. And the descriptive writing used to explain basic Swedish politics, economics, and history was welcome … not overdone.

The real treat in this book is that the author lived much of what he wrote about. Larsson, whose first works were actually in the genre of science fiction, had a varied career as a political activist, photographer, and graphic designer for a news agency. In 1995, he started the Swedish Expo Foundation, a sort of political watchdog organization with a scathing foundation publication entitled Expo … incredibly similar to Millennium in his books.

And like the character Mikael Blomkvist, Larsson authored countless articles on violence against women, the incompetence of investigative journalists, the immoral nature of big business, and growing political extremist groups. His work was so volatile that he had much of his personal information removed from public records to protect his identity and he and his family and close friends received numerous death threats.

And probably the most sad note of “life imitating art” is that when Larsson was 15, he witnessed the gang rape of a girl and was powerless to stop it. That experience and the guilt he felt helped craft the “Lisbeth Salander” character (the real-life rape victim’s name was Lisbeth) as well as his lifetime support of women’s charities.

As I said, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is the first of three books, released in Sweden in 2005 and in the U.S. (English translation) in September of 2008. The sequel publication, The Girl Who Played with Fire, was released in Sweden in 2006 and in the U.S. in July of 2009. The follow-up, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest, made its Swedish debut in 2007; U.S. fans embraced the book in May of 2010. I promise you if you read the first one, you will sell your mother-in-law (who wouldn't?) for the other two.

And of course, Stieg Larsson’s personal story continues to gain momentum. The three novels were published posthumously after his death in November of 2004. They were basically just a project he worked on after his “regular job” for fun; only just prior to his death did Larsson look into the possibility of publishing his Millennium works.

Fans are currently delighted in the fact that, according to some sources, Larsson’s long-time lover has in her possession a notebook computer with three-quarters of a finished fourth Millennium novel and extensive notes on a fifth and sixth book for the series.

Larsson and his The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo won dozens of awards including the Glass Key Award (2006) for best crime novel; the prestigious Boeke Prize (2008) in South Africa; the ITV3 Crime Thriller Award (2008) for international author of the year; a Galaxy British Book Award (2009); and the Anthony Award (2009) for best first novel.

Additonally, Larsson was honored in 2009 by the General Council of the Judiciary in Spain for his contributions to the fight against domestic violence. He was listed as the second best-selling author in the world in 2008, and in 2010 USA Today named Stieg Larsson “Author of the Year.” Larsson’s “Millennium series” books have sold more than 27 million copies in more than 40 countries, and he was the first author on record to sell more than one million e-books on the popular Amazon.com.

POINT OF RANT: Get ye to a bookery and buy the damn thing ... or hit up your local library and put your name on the waiting list!

Today On Television ...

2011-02-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

As a kid, it takes so very little to make an ordinary day a GREAT DAY! For me, it was riding forever on my bicycle, corn dogs for supper, new comics on the rack at the pharmacy, and an afternoon episode of Lost in Space.

Lost in Space (LIS) was a TV series that aired for three seasons ... September 15, 1965, to March 6, 1968 ... on CBS. For 83 hour-long episodes, viewers shared the sci-fi adventures of the Robinson family, a hardy group of Earthers attempting to reach a habitable planet circling the nearby star Alpha Centauri. The back story was that in the launch year of 1997, the overpopulated Earth was in crisis and there was a new space race to colonize other worlds. After discovering habitable worlds nearby, the Robinson family was selected from more than 2 million volunteers to embark on the first U.S. deep space exploratory mission.

Leading the project is Professor John Robinson (played by Guy Williams), an astrophysicist and pilot with additional training in applied planetary geology. Accompanying this adventurer is his family: wife Maureen (brought to life by June Lockhart of Lassie fame), a degree-holding medical doctor and biochemist; daughter Judy (played by Marta Kristen), a 19-year-old beauty and budding musical theatre performer; daughter Penny (enacted by Angela Cartwright), an innocent 11-year-old who loves animals, enjoys classical music, and sees life as a fairy tale; and son Will (portrayed by Bill Mumy), a 9-year-old prodigy in electronics and robotics. Rounding out the crew is U.S. Space Corp Major Donald West (played by Mark Goddard), a no-nonsense pilot who brings a practical military presence to the exploration team.

In the pilot episode, the Robinson family is safely launched into space in their silver, saucer-shaped spaceship called the Jupiter II. But as I mentioned, in the series there were many foreign powers that did not want the U.S. mission to succeed. Enter Dr. Zachary Smith (beautifully portrayed by veteran actor Jonathan Harris), a doctor of intergalactic environmental psychology, an expert in cybernetics, and secretly an enemy agent for a mysterious foreign government.

Smith sneaks aboard the Jupiter II prior to launch and sabotages a critical piece of equipment, the Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot (performed by Bob May and voiced by Dick Tufeld). He reprograms it to awaken after so many hours to destroy the ship’s navigation controls and to kill the Robinson family and Major West who are “asleep” in suspended animation capsules. The plan is perfect except that Smith becomes trapped aboard the Jupiter II. His extra weight throws the ship off course and into a meteor shower. Smith manages to revive the family but forgets about the Robot. The mechanical man awakens and in a heated battle, the ship is damaged and left “lost in space.”

LIS was created and produced by Irwin Allen, an Oscar winner known as the “Master of Disaster” for his producing and directing credits on The Poseidon Adventure, The Towering Inferno, and The Swarm. In 1961, Allen had critical success with the movie Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. In 1964, he turned the movie into a blockbuster TV series. LIS was intended as an outer space version of the classic Swiss Family Robinson, mixing the pioneering spirit with key fantasy elements and flashy special effects.

Allen followed LIS with equally-successful series like the more cerebral The Time Tunnel (1966-1967) and Land of the Giants (1968-1970). In the ‘60s, Irwin Allen was known in the industry as the most successful science fiction producer of the decade.

As I mentioned previosuly, the show ran for three seasons but wasn't picked up by CBS for a fourth. In the ratings, LIS was fairly successful, with the show ending its third season in 33nd place. That SHOULD have made it a "keeper." Most television historians believe that LIS was cancelled because of budget considerations. The show was expensive to make with lots of special effects, visiting guest stars, and tricky lighting and camera set-ups. Episodes during Season Three of Lost In Space averaged $165,000 ... an incredible amount in the day. Additionally, the interior set of the Jupiter II was the most expensive set for its time ... around $350,000 ... and was costly to maintain.

Some insiders familiar with CBS programming at the time remember that 20th Century Fox Television (responsible for filming the series) was recovering from huge budget overruns from the mega-epic Cleopatra. Budgets on other TV and movie projects were being slashed right and left to balance the books. This only made the production of LIS more problematic.

And on a completely separate front, actors June Lockhart and Guy Williams had lost interest in the series, Williams in particular because of the increased campiness and focus on the “Dr. Smith” character.

But even though the LIS set went dark, the concept stayed alive and strong. A series of novelizations were printed and well-received. A cartoon version was attempted. An LIS comic series scripted by Bill Mumy was extremely successful. In 2003, the WB shot the pilot for a new LIS series, with some major changes like no Dr. Smith, an additional son named David, and a very high-strung, mysterious, and downright dangerous Major West character. The series was not picked up.

And in 1998, New Line Cinema produced a Lost in Space feature film. The plot was similar but more grim … Earth was decades away from being unable to support life so the mission of the Robinson family was of global importance. The special effects in this movie were truly awesome, the Jupiter II was redesigned and streamlined, and the primary roles were given to some amazing actors such as William Hurt, Mimi Rogers, Matt LeBlanc, and Gary Oldman. And in honor of the inspiring series, several original cast members made brief cameo appearances.

Oh, and by the way, at the time that CBS was deliberating over Allen’s spec show … originally titled “Space Family Robinson” … CBS execs were also looking at a second sci-fi possibility on which they passed … Star Trek!

I watched the show in re-runs so none of that mattered. Plus … as a kid … I was just interested in the entertainment “value” of the show.

Upmost for me was just the adventure. The Robinsons faced perils both planetside and flying through the cosmos. They encountered monsters, energy barriers, dangerous space stations, maniacal robots, and the very earthy dilemmas of just maintaining food, water, and shelter. Also, always underlying everything was the high drama of the “Dr. Smith” character. He was evil. He intended on killing the entire crew and almost succeeded. And throughout 83 episodes, his laziness and self-centered drive to return to Earth puts the Jupiter II and its crew in constant danger. So why, even as a little kid, did I like this guy? Why was I always hoping he’d do the right thing? And why was his silliness actually funny and charming?

And there were tons of other elements to add drama. During the first two seasons, each episode ended in a live-action freeze frame with the cliff-hanger announcement "To be continued Next Week! Same Time-Same Channel!" For me, in re-runs, “next week” was the next day. I can’t imagine how nuts a kid must have been watching the original airings. A week was like an eternity!! Seasons Two and Three sported high energy opening credits ... I can still close my eyes and picture the groove "countdown" sequence. And throughout the series, most of the music was composed and directed by famous composer John Williamsand other talented contemporaries.

A second and more subtle point of attraction to LIS for me was the campy undertones. Although the show utilized great effects and wonderful props, the writers and directors still employed these unbelievable themes that just made the show so enjoyable. One whole show revolved around a villainous talking carrot. Another told the story of Penny being sucked into the craziness of an intergalactic beauty pageant. There were pirates, space hippies, a humorous Scotish ghost with gout, cowboys, carnival workers, junk dealers, a race of tiny robots, and more. Maybe these “juvenile” elements are what made the show exciting for viewers 6 to 60.

Also, during its second season, LIS went timeslot neck-and-neck with “Batman,” one of the biggest TV phenomena of its time. Batman was well known for its level of camp, so perhaps LIS had to evolve to compete.

I also dug Lost in Space because of all the gadgets. There were laser guns and pistols, a cool force field generator for defense, an amphibious solar-powered vehicle codenamed the Chariot, a Space Pod (modeled after the Apollo Lunar Module) that flew between the orbiting ship and the surface of planets, and a jet pack for planetary exploration.

The Jupiter II itself was a mighty gadget. The ship was nuclear-powered, generated an artificial gravity field, and had two decks. The “upstairs” housed the flight deck with guidance controls, environmental controls, the central communications equipment, the primary hatch, the huge rotating “astrogator,” the small armory alcove, and the cryogenic tubes. The “downstairs” contained the hidden “atomic motors” (which we did get to see in one very eerie episode where people were disappearing called “The Space Creature”), living quarters, laboratory and research facilities, a galley, and a repair/maintenance berth for The Robot. The Jupiter II also had many Jetson-esque qualities. Meals were programmed into a computer and came rumbling out on a conveyor belt in seconds. The dishes were cleaned and sanitized just as quickly, while “auto-matic laundry” units cleaned, folded, and packed fresh clothing in plastic bags with equal speed. During emergencies, there was a dispensary unit that provided reflective mylar blankets, spare parts, emergency “protein pills,” and medical supplies.

But what enchanted "young me" the most about the ship was how the decks were connected by both an inset ladder and the coolest open-air elevator I had ever seen. My family had a two-story home, I thought. Where was our elevator? I want an elevator and I want it now!

The most incredible piece of equipment on LIS though, by far, was The Robot. This character probably developed the most during the series, transforming from a cold, heartless machine to a valued crew member with seemingly human emotions. He laughed and cried, displayed a sense of humor, sang and played the guitar, and generally cared for the Robinson family he was duty-bound to protect. On the more practical side, he was extremely strong, possessed an incredibly sophisticated system of scanners and sensors, could translate alien languages, was able to discharge powerful electrostatic blasts from his claws and emit defensive smoke screens, and could run a number of air, soil, and other analytical tests. And in the episode “Trip Through the Robot,” we actually got to travel through the Robot’s “guts” … it was AWESOME!!

There were a few minor points of interest also. During the first season, Penny adopts a chimpanzee-like alien as a pet. She names the creature “Debbie,” but it is often referred to as “Bloop” because of the only sound it can make. Secondly, the set designers and Irwin Allen himself were well known for being “frugal” with set dressings and costumes. Monstrous aliens from one episode would appear several episodes later but with a bright new paint job and the addition of horns or antennae. Or a one scene of the Jupiter II taking off from the surface of a planet was reused dozens of times. Heck, some of the effects from LIS were literally spliced into the film of Allen’s other series in later years. It was kind of a game to me to spot the “recycling” that went on.

But … as with most things in life … there was a major plot point that I just couldn’t grasp. Even today, when channels like BBC America or Syfy air LIS re-runs, I just can’t grasp the reasoning. Why … WHY … did handsome and learned Professor John Robinson take his family with him? What a drag! He and Don West could have been partying across the heavens. Maybe it's because I have a selfish nature and wouldn't want to share the adventure. Or maybe it's because I had an aloof older brother off in his own adult world, another older brother who thought science fiction was “stupid,” and an older sister who “accidentally” caused me grievous bodily harm from time to time. What good would they be against a talking carrot or a crafty merchant who sold chunks of time? What good, indeed!

POINT OF RANT: "Danger ... Danger, Will Robinson!" ... you should have fought harder to be in the movie version.

Today In My Pantry ...

2011-02-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

When I was in college, money was so tight that pulling a $5 bill out of my wallet made an audible squeak. My roommates and I used to grocery shop together and it was cheap all the way. We bought this store-brand white bread that flaked so badly that I swear a third of each slice just filtered away. The off-brand peanut butter we kept on hand always had an oily water on top of it. And the generic macaroni and cheese dinners we purchased by the case … they weren’t even that scary orange color of the namebrand types. Once prepared, they produced a sickly dark yellow colored meal … like poorly cared for teeth. And turkey franks … the thought of them makes my stomach quake.

So when I had a job and was living on my own, I swore I would avoid all the “poor foods” of my past. So why, when I was putting away groceries the other day, did I notice five boxes … 60 packets … of Ramen noodles?

Ramen is a type of hand-pulled buckwheat noodle that originated in Chinese culture. For more than a century, restaurants serving Chinese cuisine have offered simple dishes of ramen in a salty broth flavored with pork bones. Portable food stalls and carts serving ramen to workers and shoppers at lunchtime have been common throughout Asia since the 1950s.

The “ramen” we Americans are familiar with actually comes from Japan. No one really knows when ramen was introduced into the diets of the Japanese, but it had a huge effect. Japanese ramen utilized the same Chinese-style wheat noodle but soaked the noodles in a variety of meat- and fish-based broths. Ramen noodles come in various shapes and lengths … fat, thin, or even ribbon-like, as well as straight or wrinkled.

Additionally, ramen tended to be very region specific … even to the point where various cities or villages were known for a separate ramen “formulation.” Traditional ramen in Japan was seasoned with soy sauce or miso (a savory/sweet condiment made from fermented rice and fungi) and topped with such items as dried seaweed, green onions, sliced pork, kamaboko (cured white fish), sesame seeds, and even corn. In Tokyo, though, ramen is made with thin, curly noodles served with soy-enhanced chicken broth and adorned with such things as spinach, egg, and menma (fermented bamboo shoots). While in the city of Fukuoka, ramen in the Hakata district is famous for its milk pork broth, dense straight noodles, and common garnishes of crushed garlic, pickled mustard greens, and beni shoga (pickled ginger).

Eating ramen gained great popularity in Japan in the first half of the 20^th century, although it was still mostly consumed only during special occasions and on holidays. To meet this growing demand, many restaurants dedicated solely to the intricacies of producing ramen sprang up all over continental East Asia.

In 1958, ramen was revolutionized when Momofuku Ando, the Taiwanese-Japanese founder and chairman of Nissan Foods, invented instant noodles. This new creation … dried or pre-cooked noodles fused with oil … allowed anyone to make ramen at home by simply boiling them for between 2 and 5 minutes. The popularity of ramen skyrocketed overnight. Soon ramen was a staple at bars, karaoke establishments, and even amusement parks. At first, flavors and toppings remained traditional, but in the 1970s the manufacturer expanded the flavor profiles to include curry, miso, and shio (salt ramen). In 1971, the company went a step further with its “cup noodles” concept … a waterproof polystyrene cup containing noodles and seasoning. Add boiling water and a ramen meal was born!

In the ‘80s, the new instant ramen products were fine-tuned … flavors were expanded based on market research and a variety of dried toppings (shrimp, pork, egg, etc.) were added. At this time, Nissan Foods and its competitors began to saturate foreign markets with their ramen products. In the U.S., regardless of the brand, the crazy instant noodle called “ramen” became incredibly popular because of its low cost and ease of preparation. While lower income families embraced the product quickly, ramen was universally accepted by harried college students, on-the-go Moms, and busy office workers and executives. Today, ramen is as common as "baseball" and "apple pie." There are entire cookbooks dedicated to utilizing ramen noodles to the fullest. And some schools and break rooms in office buildings even have vending machines that sell cups of ready-to-go ramen. Common flavors in the United States include chicken, pork, beef, mushroom (have never seen it), shrimp, roast beef, roast chicken, chili, chili lime (actually sounds tasty!), vegetable, and "oriental" (soy flavored).

But ramen isn’t just a part of American life. Instant noodles have become a popular food item in many parts of the world, sometimes tweaked to fit local tastes. As of 2008, it was estimated that more than 94 billion servings of instant ramen are consumed annually worldwide. And because of the popularity and generally-inexpensive nature, sales data and consumption rates of ramen noodles are considered by some economists as a secondary economic indicator (SEI).

In places like Australia, Canada, Argentina, Hong Kong … all with substantial Asian population segments … ramen is a mainstay in grocery stores, quick marts, etc. Instant ramen is also gaining popularity in Russia, Ethiopia, the UK and Ireland, the Phillipines, Saudi Arabia, Poland, and many other locations. In Finland, Sweden, and Denmark, ramen is less popular, quite expensive, and only available at specialty food and ethnic-specific markets.

Some nations have REALLY made ramen their own. Germany has developed ramen varieties that favor beef and button mushroom (YUM!) varieties. Malaysia and Singapore have combined a love of ramen with the popularity of curry and seafood to create flavors like chili crab. In Brazil, ramen is commonly a creamier foodstuff, incorporating peppers and stronger spices. Likewise, countries like India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh favor bold flavors like masala, chicken tikka, and coriander-heavy curry. And in Indonesia, strong flavors also rule with popular ramen varieties like chicken curry and beef meatball. In fact, at one time one food company offered 30 varieties of ramen, all reflecting traditional and spicy Indonesian dishes.

In South Africa, a milder variety of ramen is popular among on-the-go individuals, with flavors like beef, chicken, cheese, and prawn. In Peru, ramen combines basic local flavors like chicken with greens and creole-style hen. And in Mexico, ramen is treated more like an inbetween-meal snack, boasting strong flavors like lime chicken and chili shrimp.

One extremely creative ramen development occurred in Thailand. Because of the noodles’ popularity, manufacturers teamed up with the Ministry of Public Health to add iron, iodine, and vitamin A to popular ramen brands in an effort to “fix” some local dietary insufficiencies. Also unusual in Thailand is the fact that ramen is often consumed without further cooking as a snack food … like we eat potato chips!

So … confession time … chicken ramen with red onion, sun-dried tomatoes, and broccoli added to it is awesome. I also throw in a bunch of smoked paprika, three dashes of hot sauce and a bit of wasabi. When I think about it, I have ramen about twice a week. Thus the five big boxes.

POINT OF RANT: I need a vertical-focused storage system for my ramen. Come on, Nissan Foods ... get on that!!

Today Above My Bed ...

2011-02-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

I am a vivid dreamer. More like a wild, crazy dreamer. I used to keep a journal beside my bed to write down the things I could remember from my nightime mental antics. But then I would read them the following day or so and I thought I was channeling M. Night Shyamalan. So I bought a dreamcatcher and hung it over my comfortable queen. If anything, the dreams got even more wild. I guess my subconscience is supposed to be a raving lunatic.

The dreamcatcher, or “dream snare,” is an arts and crafts creation of the Ojibwe (Chippewa) culture that dates back centuries. The word “asabikeshiinh” is an inanimate form of the Ojibwe term for “spider.” Tribal stories tell of an elder who had a vision of Iktomi, or the searcher for wisdom. Iktomi appeared to the spiritual elder as a spider. As he spoke of the cycle of life and how each stage is filled with both good and evil forces, Iktomi took from the elder an offering … a wooden hoop adorned with feathers, beads, and horsehair … and began to spin a web. When his story was finished, Iktomi returned the hoop to the elder and advised him to use the web to help his people make good use of their ideas, dreams, and visions. “If you believe in the Great Spirit,” Iktomi said in the scared language, “the web will focus your dreams but trap the bad dreams like a spider traps its prey.”

From this vision, it is believed that the elder tribesman shared his vision and soon it was tradition for grandparents to craft and present dreamcatchers to newborn grandchildren. The basic belief was that a dreamcatcher placed above or near the bed of a young person would sift their dreams and visions. Good dreams would pass through the strands of the web and slide down the feathers to the sleeper. Bad dreams … known to be “both confusing and confused” … would get lost in the net, perishing in the light of dawn.

The Ojibwe peoples … like most Native American tribes … held strong beliefs in the power of nature and the importance of dreams. Vision quests and sweatlodge events were commonplace. Members of the tribes kept representations of visions (drawings, weavings, jewelry, beadwork, etc.) close at hand, believing that these items secured the protection, guidance, and assistance of various spirits throughout their lives. As part of this dream culture, other tribes like the Cherokee, Lakota, and Navajo adopted the crafting and use of the dreamcatcher. Today, many New Age mystics and practitioners have culturally appropriated the dreamcatcher and its believed powers.

Typically, a dreamcatcher is made from a willow hoop … a shape associated with strength and unity … on which is woven a loose net or web. The hoop is bent into a circle or tear shape usually about 3 ½ inches in diameter or smaller. The webbing … usually leather, sinew, nettle fiber, or fine yarn dyed red … is attached to the frame in a manner similar to snowshoe webbing, but in the approximation of a spider’s web. Additional personal and sacred items are often incorporated into the web design including beads, arrowheads, and semi-precious gemstones … only one gem per dreamcatcher because there is only one Creator in the web of life. Feathers hanging from the frame or lattice lines themselves act as conduits for the dreams to travel from the ether to the sleeping individual. Traditional dreamcatchers are made from natural elements and are not meant to last forever, collapsing as the infants on which they are bestowed enter the “Age of Wonderment.”

I have three dreamcatchers, all purchased at the Great Mohican PowWow. It’s an annual event in Ohio that mixes wonderful storytelling and music and dancing from various tribes with a healthy dose of awesome food and revenue-generating arts and crafts. The day I attended, the weather was flawless and the people were out in droves. I had the best time and actually learned a bit about several beautiful and diverse cultures that reside right here within my own regional borders. I also got in like four months worth of peoplewatching. There were scantily clad people of all ages and kids running rampant. There were hucksters selling all manner of things. There was crazy chanting and wild dancing. And the tattoos ... it was like a parade of the most intricate artwork I have ever seen.

My dreamcatchers are very simple but do incorporate some synthetic elements … I’m hoping they and their “powers” last a while. One dreamcatcher … adorned with a glittery brown agate … hangs above my headboard. Two smaller ones … one that actually has stunning blue jay feathers … hang above my apartment door and large living room window respectively. I figured if those pesky bad dreams were gonna try and get to me, I might as well lay multiple traps.

Now, don’t go thinking I’m a hippie or anything. My overall being is very rational. I know that dreams are the results of an involuntary biological combination of chemicals and neural processes that occur during sleep. Since 1952, science has associated dreaming with rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, a time when our sleeping brains send out signals extremely close to when we are awake. Also, during REM sleep our bodies secrete certain neurotransmitters like serotonin and norepinephrine to prevent dreams from generating dangerous body movements. Most people dream about two hours per night.

Honestly, my feet are planted in several camps. The biology of dreams makes perfect sense to me … stress relief, expression of the subconscience, etc. But why can’t other forces use our sleeping state as an opportunity to interact, imparting visions or moments of divinity? There’s room for both.

POINT OF RANT: I hate spiders and cobwebs, so why am I surprised that I still have bad dreams when I basically have a “spiderweb” talisman hanging over my head?

Today On My Doorstep ...

2011-02-13T20:34:00.000-08:00

I’m going to apologize upfront because this post was thrown together pretty quickly, but when something so cute happens in life you just want to share it.

I’ve been preparing myself for weeks for the upcoming farcical holiday which is Saint Valentine’s Day. I’ve endured literally decades of heart-shaped disappointments and embarrassments on this mid-February day. As a child, I vividly remember having a dismal turnover in one particular valentine box which I had designed to be a simple loaf of bread. Maybe the high-brow conceptual nature of the receptacle threw the other children off. Or as an adult, I recall each and every patronizing "awwww" that was bestowed on me by friends and co-workers because I was without a “special someone.” Or worse … the times I had a “special person” but didn't realize how cheap and unimaginative they were. Or the most horrible experience … where I was with a friend at a bar and was completely unaware of the date. The pub was having this Valentine's Day promotion where they randomly selected a “couple” and sat them at this special booth. There were streamers and champagne and a complimentary lovers’ dessert. And of course there were lots of pictures and Polaroids taken and intoxicated patrons chanting “kiss ... kiss … kiss!!” Can you say “mortified?”

Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a 24-hour period designed to boost business in certain commercial establishments and to torture the independent, free-thinking soul. Historical information is so sketchy that the “saintliness” of its origins cannot be confirmed. Supposedly, Valentine’s Day is an amalgamation of four men with the name Valentine: Valentine of Genoa, who died around 307 AD; Valentine of Rome, a priest martyred in 269 AD; Valentine of Terni, a bishop martyred in 197 AD; and a Valentine killed in Africa.

Unsubstantiated stories regarding the exploits of St. Valentine paint a picture of a clergyman persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II. Claudius gave St. Valentine the opportunity to convert to Roman paganism. When he refused, Valentine was executed. Before his death, accounts say that Valentine performed a miracle by healing the blind and deaf daughter of his jailer. Later, around 500 AD, Valentine was sainted by Pope Gelasius I.

The significance of February 14 is also open to historical interpretation. This date is supposedly when St. Valentine was laid to rest. And in ancient times, mid February was a well-known time of year. In Greece, it marked the end of Gamelion, a month dedicated to the marriage of Zeus and Hera. In Rome, the Lupercalia … a rite connected with fertility … was observed between February 13 and February 15.

Over the centuries, the story of St. Valentine has fallen victim to interpretation, hearsay, and the literary creativity of 14 century writers. One prominent version has of the myth has St. Valentine imprisoned and executed not for practicing Christianity but for performing secret marriages among young Roman soldiers and their lady loves. Emperor Claudius believed that married men made poor soldiers and was thus infuriated by Valentine’s impudence and disobedience.

Another very popular variation on the story is that while imprisoned for his Christian beliefs, Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of the manager of the jail. On the evening before his execution, Valentine wrote this girl a note and then healed her sight so she could read it. The note read “from your Valentine” and became the unofficial first Valentine Day’s card ever written.

Through the years, the connection between St. Valentine and love and romance grew stronger. In 1382, Geoffrey Chaucer coined concepts that would plague us for centuries. In his poem "Parlement of Foules," the line "for this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate" created the terms Valentine's Day and love birds.

On Valentine’s Day in 1400, an experimental court was created in Paris to deal with love contracts, marital disputes, and violence against women. Judges for the “court” were selected by a panel of women based on poetry readings.

In 1590, author Edmund Spenser used the line “she bathed with roses red, and violets blue” in his “The Faerie Queene.” A collection of English nursery rhymes in 1784 brought the phrasing closer to the “roses are red, violets are blue” we all know and … well, tolerate.

Around 1600, William Shakespeare referred to Valentine’s Day in his work, “Hamlet.”

In the very late 1700s, British publishers were producing limited lines of cards with romantic verses and sketches for young men unable to find loving words of their own for their sweethearts. Paper valentines became so popular in England in the early 19th century that factories were created to handle the demand. Specialty papers and lace were often used, as were imagery like Cupids, doves, and hearts. Reduced postal rates in England’s early 19th century started the tradition of mailing valentines to friends and family.

The creation of mass-produced valentines was adopted in the United States around 1847. Around 1950, the practice of exchanging cards in the U.S. was extended to all manner of gifts ... roses, chocolates, candies, teddy bears and other stuffed animals, balloons, and even diamonds and expensive jewelry.

Today, according to the U.S. Gteeting Card Association, more than 1 billion valentines are exchanged each year in this country, including valentine exchanges in schools and the rise of Internet e-cards.

Valentine’s Day has been adopted in most countries across the globe, but sometimes with little regional and cultural twists. In the UK in the region of Norfolk, Valentine’s Day is celebrated with “Jack Valentine,” a character that knocks on the rear door of houses leaving sweets and presents for children. In Wales, many people celebrate St. Dwynwen's Day, the patron saint of Welsh lovers, on January 25 instead of (or as well as) traditional Valentine's Day. In Romania, the traditional holiday for lovers is Dragobete, which is celebrated on February 24. In Egypt, many people celebrate Valentine's Day on February 14, and the indigenous Eid el-Hob el-Masri on November 4. In Israel, the Tu B'Av, is considered to be the Jewish Valentine's Day and is usually celebrated in late August. In Brazil, the Dia dos Namorados ("Day of the Enamored, or "Boyfriends'/Girlfriends' Day") is celebrated on June 12.

Countries in Asia were a bit slower to embrace Valentine’s Day, but many nations have created complex and interesting traditions that combine Eastern and Western flair. In Japan, the holiday was first introduced in 1936. The custom of giving chocolates was embraced after a few years, but it was only women who gave chocolates to men. Careful practices quickly developed over the type and amount of chocolate given to each person. For example, a woman might give inexpensive chocolate to an unpopular male co-worker, but she would use great care when choosing candies for her favorite uncle. In the ‘80s, a successful campaign was launched to create White Day. Celebrated on March 14, Japanese men are expected to “reply” to Valentine’s Day gifts on with white chocolates or non-chocolate candy. But again, there was a system. Some sources say that, on White Day, men are expected to return gifts that are at least two or three times more valuable than the gifts received on Valentine's Day. Not returning the gift is perceived as a man placing himself in a position of superiority. Returning a present of equal value is considered a method of terminating a friendship or relationship. Chocolate as a break up message … COOL!

In Taiwan, the tradition is like that of Japan … but in reverse. Men give gifts to women on February 14 and receive reciprocal gifts … hopefully … on March 14.

And my all-time favorite … in South Korea, citizens celebrate Valentine’s Day (February 14) with women giving chocolate to men, and White Day (March 14) with men replying with non-chocolate candy to women. But then we have Black Day … April 14 … where people who did not receive gifts on either Feb. 14 or March 14 go to a Chinese restaurant to eat black noodles (jajangmyeon) and "mourn" their single life. How appropriate!!

So now it’s Sunday … February 13 ... St. Valentine’s Eve … and I have not sent a single Valentine or purchased one solitary chocolate or treat for anyone. At about 7:15 p.m. I was relaxed and watching some TV when there was a knock on my door. I answered it to behold my seven-year-old niece bundled up from head to toe. She pushed back her hood, removed her gloves, and smiled at me. “Here,” she said as she handed me a plastic bag from a local supermarket.

“Where’s your Mom?” I asked.

“Outside in the car.” She waited a few seconds expectantly and then added, “Look inside.”

I pulled the bag open and inside was a small box covered with colored pasta and sealed with glue or modgepodge. I lifted the lid and inside … resting on a bed of tattered cotton … was a candy necklace.

“Thank you sweetie. It’s really pretty.”

My niece just giggled as she struggled back into her gloves. “You don’t wear it, silly … you eat it. It’s for Valentine’s Day. I made Mom stop by cause I wanted to make sure you knew I loved you.”

I was so humbled. I think I’ll be hitting the store tomorrow. At least for one special valentine.

POINT OF RANT: If I’m celebrating Black Day, the restaurant damn well better have a liquor license!!

Today On The Top of My Dresser ...

2011-02-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

Quite simply, I am an advertiser's wet dream! "Marketing 101" explains that the whole goal of marketing and promotion is to put a crowbar into the space between a consumer's self-image and their ideal image and pry and pry until their wallet flies open.

While tidying up my bedroom this past weekend, I bumped into my dresser and nearly caused an olfactory Armageddon. Resting on top of my cheap, hand-me-down storage chest are 19 ... yes, 19 ... bottles of cologne. And not the cheap stuff either. At some point in my life, some media campaign convinced me that the secret to wealth and health and romance and success is to splash myself with rare botanicals and unusual oils. I have become one smelly cog in the multi-billion dollar fragrance industry.

Cologne is the manly cousin of perfume since it most commonly denotes a fragrance applied to the male body. There really isn't that much difference between perfumes and colognes. Both are blends of essential oils, aroma compounds (mostly botanical in nature), fixatives, and solvents (for dilution) in an ethanol base. The difference lies in the concentration of ingredients. A perfume typically contains about 20 percent essential oils; formulations can range as high as 40 percent. A cologne is blended with a range of 3 percent to five percent essential oils, with 5 percent being the industry standard. And as with most things in life that smell, the higher the concentration of aromatics the more intense and longlasting the scent.

The practice of using fragrances for cosmetic purposes has existed for more than 4,000 years in places such as India, Egypt, Cyprus, and Persia. The term "cologne" was coined in Cologne, Germany, when an Italian perfume maker relocated there in 1709 and created a popular fragrance which he named "Eau de Cologne" to honor his new hometown.

Modern perfumery became a serious business in Europe sometime in the late 19th century.

Fragrances (like cologne) are often described in musical terms, with "notes" mixing into a "medley" of harmonious scents with varying intensities and evaporation rates. Most fragrances possess three levels of notes or accents: top, middle, and base.

Top notes (sometimes called "head notes") are the first impressions you get when smelling a cologne. They have small, light molecular compositions and are the most volatile part of the cologne mixture, meaning they are the quickest to evaporate as the solvent (alcohol) portion of the fragrance drys on a man's skin. They often form the basis for categorizing the fragrance or even provide a focus for how the scent is marketed. In musical terms, top notes are the overture that attracts a potential wearer. Men's colognes are commonly divided into the following groups based on the overall "tempo" of the top notes:

Citrus: aggressive but pleasant formulations using lemon, grapefruit, lime, orange, apricot, etc.
Aromatics: think floral, but with a light and masculine twist created with jasmine, geranium, lavender, lotus flower, peach blossom, etc.
Musk: a heavier, more sensual fragrance derived from musk oils and distilled botanicals
Spice: imagine the earthy smells that kick up your cuisine ... clove, nutmeg, sage, basil, cinnamon, cardamom, coriander, pepper, and more
Oriental: an unusual blending of exotic spices (like saffron, ginger, and mint) with intriguing sweet notes (vanilla, amber, and tonka beans) and heavier botanicals and resins (myrrh, tobacco, etc.)
Woodsy: combinations of grasses (like vetiver), clovers, mosses, leaves (birch, juniper, etc.), and woods like sandalwood, cedar, agarwood, and patchouli, that create outdoorsy aromas
Fresh: blends of woody and light citrus elements with strong marine notes

Middle notes are richer and more subtle, producing scents that last roughly 10 minutes to 30 minutes after the initial cologne application. Sometimes called "heart notes," these compounds represent the spirit and nuances of the musical concert itself ... substances that allow the top notes to fade gracefully and the base notes to mature properly.

Base notes are the finale ... the fully-developed scent. Typically, the properties of a base note cannot be perceived until 30 minutes or longer after initial application. Many base notes are formulated to produce a residual scent that may last for hours.

I first embraced cologne about the same time I realized ... hey, if I don't shower enough I really smell. Like most young men of my generation, we wore Brut "gifted" to us by our fathers and heavily-marketed "he-man" scents like Stetson. I also have unfortunate memories of wearing something called "Vanilla Musk" ... it smelled like a sweaty pig that knocked over a bottle of cheap vanilla extract while escaping from a restaurant kitchen. Go figure!

In college, everything scent-centric came from Polo or Nautica. Once … in grad school … I remember paying an unholy price for a new cologne called Joop that I saw in a sexy magazine ad. I bought it at Macy’s and wore it constantly and without restraint. I don’t know how its cloying combination of cinnamon, jasmine, honey, tobacco, and vetiver didn’t set of some type of biohazard alarm system at the university. Or the poor souls who sat near me in lectures.

But back to my current obsession … and not Obsession. Along the front edge of my dresser top sit seven distinct bottles. They comprise my five “everyday” options and two “special occasion” selections of cologne. The "Fab Five" are Cool Water (Davidoff) with its refreshing lavender, menthe, iris, and musk; Prada Amber Pour Homme with a potent interplay of orange blossom, saffron oil, sandalwood, leather, myrrh, and vetiver; Lacoste … my freshest, cleanest scent … with notes of soft citrus, clover, and sandalwood; Slate (Banana Republic) boasting standout accents of sage and ginger; and Burberry Brit with an ethereal manliness created by combining bergamot, ginger, green mandarin, tonka bean, nutmeg, and tobacco.

My two special occasion scents are heavier and very expensive. But to be honest, they are worth every penny because when I wear them I truly have a stronger sense of confidence and purpose. It may be all in my head, but who cares. For day time events, it’s Angel for Men (Thierry Mugler) with a powdery scent that weaves together crazy notes like dark chocolate, coffee, and caramel with the earthiness of mint, coriander, lavender, and natural tars and resins. For dinner parties and date nights, my go-to spritz is Unforgivable (Sean John) … with dozens of subtle and not-so-subtle ingredients like Sicilian lemon, bergamot, Moroccan tangerine, grapefruit, iris, amber, sandalwood, Tuscan basil, and even the essences of cashmere, champagne, and rum.

But like any good strategist, I have several back-up “plans” to provide the perfect scented counterpoint to my many moods. These include: Very Irresistible (Givency) with robust Virginia cedar, mint, and grapefruit; the lemony and lavender sparkle of Good Life (Davidoff); the patchouli, green apple, and watermelon mixture of Kenneth Cole; Antidote (Viktor & Rolf), my one “oriental” option that starts with the zing of grapefruit and pepper and finishes with vanilla and soft musk; the brisk aromatics of Zegna; the cardamom-inspired simplicity of Echo (Davidoff); the floral beauty of Chrome (Loris Azzaro) with jasmine, ylang-ylang, light fruits, and gardenias; the original John Varvatos scent with the complexity of dates, tamarind leaves, sage, vanilla, and leather; Gucci Pour Homme II with an initial strike of bergamot and violet leaves followed by a dark fade into black tea, cinnamon, and tobacco; Contradiction (Calvin Klein) with its hints of lavender and amber dueling with a spicy blend of lime, sage, and nutmeg; and two light fragrances … Sake and Sugar Lemon … from Fresh that employ unusual notes such as langsat fruit, yuzu, ginger, lotus and lychee flowers, and oak moss.

As I mentioned, at one time I wore cologne with the subtlety and excitement of a blind man driving a car down a busy street. I think every man has that phase. But over time, I have picked up a few tricks and tips and toned down my aromatic misbehavior.

TIP 1: Less is more! Cologne should be applied sparingly. If someone you interact with can identify the brand of scent you are wearing, then you’re wearing too much!

TIP 2: Think strategically! Heat activates many of the notes in cologne, so cologne is best applied where the underlying blood vessels are closest to the skin: wrists, neck, behind the ears, and chest. These locations are often called “pulse points.” And because heat is a factor, consider that the scent you wear changes with the seasons and the time of day … even in situations like a naturally-ventilated room vs. an air-conditioned office, cologne can smell quite differently.

TIP 3: Application is key! If you are using a spray-nozzle type of cologne, three quick sprays are the maximum. If your brand of cologne comes in a more traditional bottle without a spray nozzle, cover the opening and tip the bottle to lightly wet your fingertip. Do not exceed more than two finger applications. Some grooming specialists suggest that, regardless of the dispersal system, the cologne should be tipped or sprayed onto the fingertips and lightly patted onto the skin. Rubbing the cologne will cause the natural oils of your skin to mask the notes within the fragrance.

TIP 4: Don’t douse the duds. Avoid spraying cologne directly on your clothing. Fabrics can affect the scent negatively, and the oils in most fragrances can produce stains.

TIP 5: Be aware of your total “scent profile.” If you use after shave or shampoos with strong scent components, they will affect how you and others perceive your fragrance of choice.
TIP 6: Cologne is NOT fine wine. The typical shelf life of a quality cologne is 3-5 years. Botanicals and other components deteriorate over time. Try not to use it past that timeframe.

And my best tip of all …

TIP 7: Test-drive your aroma!! NEVER purchase a new fragrance the day you encounter it. Because of dozens of factors including mood, climate, marketing efforts, etc., you can easily be swayed into dropping $60 or $70 dollars on something that really isn’t you. When shopping, try out a few scents. But please … ask for samples to try at home away from all the competing bottles, flasks, and decanters. Or wait a week and return for another “spritz.” Maybe even try the same product at a different store.

POINT OF RANT: When I tell this story, why do people act like "cologne" is a bad word?

Today At The End Of My Wand ...

2011-02-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dusting wand … you know, a poofy thing with a telescoping handle that extends to get in all the ceiling nooks and crannies. I had to get the “weapon” out of the closet because the cobwebs in my relatively small apartment were driving me crazy. It’s a Wednesday and I just did this same chore a few days earlier. Never mind that cobwebs mean spiders … shudder, Shudder, SHUDDER!! … but how do they rebuild them so damn fast? Are busloads of Charlotte’s arriving each morning right after I leave for work? Do spiders disobey child labor law,s because you know they each have up to 3,000 young’uns at a time? Am I being targeted by an arachnid terrorist group for some accidental deed?

Spiders … eight-legged arachnids that possess uniquely-fused segments, have no antennae, and utilize projections near their mouths to both grab food and house venom-injecting fangs … come in nearly 40,000 species and have been roaming the Earth for about 140 million years. That's much longer than the Dustbuster and the Swiffer combined.

First evolved for protection and then to trap prey, spider webs are produced by a unique and coordinated biological arrangement of abdominal appendages called “spinnerets” that extrude protein-rich materials secreted by as many as six types of silk glands. Spinnerets typically operate in pairs, producing a function-specific type of silk. Different species of spiders have varied numbers of spinnerets.

Entomologists have cataloged eight different silk types, such as a basic thread-like structure that is often trailed like a safety line, a “sticky” capture silk that uses a biological glue to entrap prey, and a finer silk used for wrapping prey. The tensile strength of spider silk is greater than the same weight of steel and has much greater elasticity. Studies of spider silk are proving to have both industrial and medical applications. Military scientists are applying research results to the development of stronger bullet-proof vests. Manufacturers are investigating methods for improving silk fabric production. Medical specialists are looking at spider silk’s microstructure for the development of artificial tendons and for wound care … spider silk is rich in vitamin K, an effective blood clotting agent.

But for me, the significance is that spider silk becomes spider webs. Spider webs are typically constructed when extruded silk if run between a space and then patterned into concentric, interconnected spirals. Spiders actually use their own bodies to make precise building measurements while spinning their webs and alternate the types of silk used to fit the purpose of the web. Webs are commonly about 20 times the size of the spider building it. And of course, some species of spiders work together to build communal webs. In 2007, a “group project” web was discovered in a Texas state park that measured more than 200 yards in length. Take that, feather duster!!

There are six basic types of spider webs:

Spiral orb webs (typically oriented on the vertical plane)
Funnel webs
Tubular webs (which run up the bases of trees or along the ground
Sheet webs (commonly oriented along the horizontal plane)
Tent or dome webs
Tangle webs

Tangle webs … often referred to as cob webs from the Old English word “coppe” which meant spider … are produced by the Theridiidae family of spiders, one of the largest subgroups with more than 2,200 species. Tangle webs seem to be random constructions, made up of haphazard patterns of stitched lines and silk and strands. Tangle webs do double duty as insect traps and temporary housing for spiders as they migrate from location to location, so quiet corners and dark places are often ideal sites for their construction. This type of web has unusually high amounts of biological adhesives. Once abandoned, they attract dust and debris quickly, making them highly visible.

So basically, cob webs are simply a type of less sophisticated spider web that is no longer in use. My ceilings and tiny closets and damp, dingy bathroom walls are simply the sites of abandoned homes … tenements … housing projects gone bad! Smack me with a vacuum cleaner and call me a slob!

POINT OF RANT: You know those movies where grown children come back to visit their childhood home? What is all those spiders make a similar trip at the SAME TIME?!

Today On My Counter ...

2011-01-29T23:37:00.000-08:00

My apartment is pretty small, so I don’t entertain much. But every once in a while I get into “host mode” and want to show off my culinary skills a little and have a few friends over. So earlier this evening, I held a small dinner party for six friends and myself: my good friend Stacy and her husband, my touchy-feely friends Beth and Richie, and my pals Calvin and Mike.

Stacy came early to help me prep … she can’t cook worth a damn but she can use a knife and a cutting board like a professional chef. I decided to pull out all the stops since I hadn’t seen these guys in quite a while in an intimate setting. I made my cold beef and celery salad which coats tender slices of chilled sirloin, crunchy celery, and grape tomatoes, paper-thin sauteed carrots, and feta crumbles in olive oil, garlic, and various spices. For my entrée, I selected meatloaf served with steamed asparagus drizzled with cream and lime sauce.

Calvin arrived, greated me with a restrained hug, and, as is his way, grunted a "hello" to Stacy and her husband and then positioned himself in a quiet corner to watch some sports. Beth and Richie arrived next, playfully arguing about whom was the better card player. Mike was last but he had had stops to make … for the wine and liquor he wanted to contribute to the dinner. I think Mike may have a problem! Glug … glug!!

All in all, it was a good evening. I had made some black bean and pineapple salsa from scratch, so I took my time getting the meal on the table while my guests crunched and munched … their oohs and aahs over the spicy salsa like sweet music to my ears. Dinner was full of laughter and lively conversation. Beth told a few outrageous stories about her co-workers, which I tried to match but failed miserably. And several of us had to keep assuring Mike that his vodka "contribution" went equally well with meat or fish. After watching introverted Calvin finish the last scrap of meatloaf, everyone piled their plates on the pass-through ledge and then moved into the living room. For close to two hours we continued our loud get-together by playing pinochle, watching part of an NBA game I had dvr’d the day before, and just reconnecting.

Then I went to the kitchen to get things ready for my showstopper dessert. Step One was warming up my trusty Hamilton Beach 12-cup stainless steel deep fryer. Everyone should have a deep fryer for special treats and occasionally indulging in wonderful homemade french fries. When I was a kid, my parents had this huge fryer model shaped like a big bucket for doing fresh battered fish. It was silvery … not stainless … and dented and dinged up pretty bad. I distinctly remember bands of electrical tape in several places and a few times when the cord actually sparked and sputtered. I even think my Mom blew a fuse or two using that old, clunky contraption. But the meals it helped create … INCREDIBLE!!!!

My fryer isn’t much bigger than a sneaker shoebox. It has a dishwasher safe inner “pot” and an outer skin that barely even gets warm when the unit is operating. The appliance uses computerized temperature controls for added safety and very stable cooking temperatures. It even has a double filtration system so I can get the longest “life” out of my cooking oil, and an automatic shut off system so the chances of me accidentally burning my place down are greatly reduced.

Step Two was getting the batter I had prepared earlier out of the frig and giving it a quick stir with a whisk. It was a standard pancake batter mix (with egg, milk, and a bit of vegetable oil), but when making it for a dessert application like this I always add an extra egg and “doctor” it with vanilla, brown sugar, and a pinch of nutmeg.

Step Three … and my favorite … was to call my guests into the less-than-spacious kitchen and reveal their deep-fried dessert choices. Oreos. Milky Way bars. And Snickers bars. I had them all arranged on a small platter, with the candy bars cut into thirds. I purchased a few extra serving spoons at the “dollar store” so everyone could gently dip their choices in the batter and then carefully drop them in the hot oil. Mike was being an ass. He rushed the process and dropped his coated cookie from several inches above the lip of the fryer. Beth got “sizzled” by some stray oil and she gave Mike a look that could wither a steel beam. He apologized and behaved himself. Once the items are dropped into the oil, the cooking usually takes less than a minute. And luckily, the treats bob toward the surface, letting you know that they’re ready to be “rescued” and dropped into a bowl of powdered sugar.

While I put a few things away, the group retreated back into the living area. From the sounds people were making, they either liked the dessert or had started an impromptu orgy. I made myself a small assortment of tidbits, shut off the fryer, and joined my friends to continue our evening of high-caloric communing.

POINT OF RANT: No one left my party even thinking about food … they probably couldn’t even imagine EVER being hungry again!!

Today On My Easel ...

2011-01-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

Back around early November I fell into a weird creative slump. I think the pressures of the Holidays got to me … trying to be festive and upbeat in the midst of tight purse strings and all the hectic running around associated with gift buying and parties and crap.

Anyway, I kept up on my one blog site but my other one just came to a grinding halt. I had tons of ideas but the words just wouldn’t come. I tried all my old methods for working through “writers’ block,” but nothing helped. And my painting … which I dearly love … just brought me almost to tears every time I started shopping for canvas or got my supplies out. The passion was missing.

Well, my two month+ slump is over. And I have a special person to thank and the color orange.

I met someone … a fun and caring individual … who got me thinking about all the things that just make life silly and memorable. And that’s what I write about, after all. I think I just needed a good reminder that it’s okay to look at the world a little differently than others do; it’s even better to embrace that unique viewpoint and share it with others. Suddenly, I had scads of blogging ideas. The dam had burst!!

So I decided I wanted to surprise my new friend with a painting. But I was nervous. Closer to Christmas, I had actually got my easel and work area all set up and attempted three different pieces. Each one was worse than the one before. “Had I lost ‘the spark?’ for good,” I wondered.

While I was building up my courage to try again, I decided to procrastinate and inventory my paint and brushes to see what I needed. See, my new friend loves blues and purples and I wasn’t sure if a big trip to the art supply store was going to be required. And there on the top of my paint bin … almost glowing with a heavenly aura … was a huge tube of Cadmium Orange. I seldom use orange … it’s never inspired me before. But before I really even knew what I was doing, I had unwrapped a canvas and was half way through creating a new piece. And I loved it!

Ever since that “work in orange,” I’ve started five more paintings and even dusted off the notes for a novel (my second attempt) that I always wanted to complete. I even bit the bullet and got a haircut … my first one in nearly eight months. It’s going to be a creative year!

POINT OF RANT: Inspiration comes from the strangest places!!

Today On A Side Street ...

2011-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

I’m a nervous driver. In the past, I have been in a few minor fender-benders, two accidents where significant automotive damage occurred, and one incident where I myself was badly injured. So when I drive, I try to be very focused. No crazy music. Mirrors in their proper positions. Continual checking to make sure lights and blinkers are only “on” when they are supposed to be. And NO eating while driving … people that fly down the highways fighting with messy tacos or greasy burgers amaze me in their stupidity.

So, of course, the whole idea of cute and clever bumper stickers makes no sense to me. I’m glad that the people who share the roadways with me have political opinions and “Honor Students” as offspring, but I don’t need to read about it while traveling at 65+!

Typically, bumper stickers are labels or stickers … approximately 12 inches by 3 or 4 inches … printed on PVC with a heavy adhesive backing. As the name implies, bumper stickers are affixed to the bumpers of vehicles … primarily automobiles, but the trend has grown to include motorcycles and scooters, golf carts, recreational vehicles, bicycles, and more.

Bumper stickers cover the topics of the day in both serious and humorous ways. Nothing is spared … religion, politics, sports teams, philosophical beliefs, sexual mores, etc.

By their very nature, bumper stickers couldn’t exist without bumpers … first introduced on the Ford Model A in 1927 … but the history of these iconic message-carriers starts shortly before World War II. Forest Gill, a Kansas City printer, started dispersing patriotic flag-like banners that were wired to auto bumpers. This trend spread quickly. Around the same time, a tourist attraction atop Lookout Mountain, Tennessee, started applying similar temporary promotional stickers to all visitors’ vehicles as a promotional gimmick.

The first real use of adhesive to make stickers more permanent was on “country tags,” a program supervised by the United Nations to mark vehicles that frequently crossed national borders. In the 1950s, advertisers began to encourage loyal consumers to display simple messages and logo images in the form of bumper stickers to show their support. Soon schools, churches, and social organizations were initiating similar campaigns. In the 1970s, some vehicle owners joined a fad where bumper stickers became a game of sorts … people collected and displayed stickers to demonstrate the number of places they had visited and other types of accomplishments. Some individuals were actually issued citations for vehicles adorned with more than 500 bumper stickers.

Currently, most drivers with a desire to display their “feelings” on their vehicles have switched to either low-tack bumper stickers (which can be cleanly removed with common household products) or removable vinyl decals that adhere to automotive window glass. But even with a more practical design, the sentiment of the bumper sticker is still as annoying and distracting as hell to me!

And this blogger isn’t the only one who recognizes the “dangers” of bumper stickers. Some psychological studies have discovered tendencies for road rage in subjects in direct proportion with high levels of automotive customizations, including bumper stickers. These social scientists believe that people who “mark” their cars and trucks may feel more entitled and territorial on our streets and highways … like they literally “own the road.”

POINT OF RANT: Yikes!!!

Today On YouTube ...

2011-01-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

With the economy, the Middle East, drastic cuts in educational funding, the bitter winter weather, and dozens of other "downers," it's always fun to find a piece of silliness like Marcel that just lifts your spirits for no other reason than it's just childish and fun! ENJOY!!

Today In The Mirror ...

2011-01-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

The transition into a new calendar year always seems to make people think deeply about self-improvement and reinvention. Diets ... exercise regimens ... new attitudes toward co-workers ... all kinds of changes and alterations seem to come and go during January and February of each new year.

And that is why I'm staring at my hair. It's been nearly six months since I've been to a barber or hair salon. When I comb my hair after a shower, my "bangs" hang below the bulb of my nose. For years I've worn my hair short ... sometimes just shy of bare scalp. But recently I've come to think dudes with longish hair look sexy ... rakish ... like rogues. And I could use a dose of "sexy" in my life. I personally think my longer locks look good, although it does take a good amount of time ... and product ... to prepare them for a long workday or a night on the town.

But my friends, family, and co-workers have been less than kind. I've received odd comments such as "trying to pick up a teenager?" to outright insults like "you look 50" or "do you really think that's flattering?"

But the big question ... my personal riddle of the Sphinx ... is who is my hair about? Do I make myself happy and mentally more handsome by keeping it long? Or do I succumb to peer pressure and crop it short to please others?

POINT OF RANT: Forget the economy, Obama ... we have a hair crisis on deck!!

Today On New Year's Eve ...

2010-12-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

Well ... 2010 is coming to a close. My wall calendar says so. My friends arranging their big New Year's Eve bashes say so. And watching "Rudolph's Shiny New Year" with all its clay-mation goodness really hammered the point home.

I have two parties to attend this year which should be great fun. I will drink at neither of them because I like keeping a clear head ... makes it easier to take pics with my cell phone of all the embarrassing stuff my friends do. Great blackmail material, too, for when I need a ride to the airport or someone to check on my cat when I take a vacation!!

Anyway, New Year's Eve is often a time of dicey weather and other people making poor decisions and I want to avoid that "stuff" at all costs.

Whenever I'm getting ready for NYE festivities, I always reminisce about my second cousin Reggie who is a laboratory tech at Union Memorial Hospital in Baltimore. He and I aren't super close, but I find his job incredibly interesting. And when he comes back to Ohio to visit, he has the best stories. And by "best" I mean some of the most wicked cautionary tales imaginable.

Reggie has worked the past three consecutive New Year's Eves. And he has been called down to the ER to collect blood and specimens for a variety of patients. Traffic accidents are by far the most prevalent thing he has mentioned, but there have even been a few incidents where people ... usually intoxicated ... have been walking home from a party or putting some distance between themselves and an argumentative spouse or significant other and stepped out into traffic without even looking.

Then there are "party accidents" ... standard and strange. Food and alcohol poisoning cases are common, as are cuts, scrapes, sprains, and bone breaks from falls and slips. House fires are a big concern because many people have candles and fireplaces going to provide added ambiance. Even outdoor bonfires can be problematic if people are horsing around or if the blaze is too close to a structure or other flammable materials. But Reggie has also retold some crazy-ass stories ... like the guy who set off an entire box of fireworks inside his small attached garage and suffered burns on his arms and face. Or the young lady who rode a kid's Big Wheel down a flight of stairs and straight through a plate glass window. Or the college guys who got wasted and then decided to build a quick plywood ramp to attempt jumping over a car with a dirt bike.

And then there are the sex stories. My God, why does December 31st and alcohol give human genitals the ability to take over the Homo sapien brain and make the body do truly idiotic things? I'll skip the details, but carrots, jet nozzles on hot tubs, latex body paint, oddly-shaped wine bottles, jumper cables, and blow-up dolls are just a few of the discarded "props" my cousin has seen accompanying a New Year's Eve patient. And there are always attending physicians, paramedics, and firefighters standing around barely able to keep a straight face!!

POINT OF RANT: Please people ... be safe!! And let's hope 2011 is the best year ever!

Today In The Classifieds ...

2010-12-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

With the new year approaching, my mind always turns to dreams of a "better" job. I like what I do, just not w ho I do it for. And more money and better benefits would be a welcome addition to the workplace mix.

But when I think back, I was never one of those teenagers who dreamed of having an exotic profession ... or a frantic kid who wanted to be a cowboy one minute and an astronaut five seconds later. I think I took a practical approach to career planning. I was never a strong swimmer, so a marine biologist or lifeguard were never solid job options. I also never really enjoyed animals or plants growing up so veterinarian science and botany were out. I loved riding go carts and going really fast like a race car driver but I never wanted to be one ... the insurance premiums would suck! Likewise, I loved roller coasters, but never EVER considered becoming a structural engineer. Or a carnival worker!

When I was about 11, I read an Avengers comic book and developed a boy crush on a character named Hank Pym. At the time, he called himself "Goliath" and could grow to giant proportions. He was a big kid ... like me! But although Hank made a great hero, he was a scientist at heart and often solved the problem at hand with good old-fashioned brainpower. His ordinary job title was "biochemist" so that was what I was going to be.

So for several years, I studied chemistry, physics, biology, anatomy and physiology, and every science the public schools had to offer. I even convinced my parents to send me to "Science Camp" at a nearby college two summers in a row to add to my range of "biochemical" experiences. And it couldn't have been cheap!!

But then at the end of my sophomore year I took a high school drawing class to fulfil a graduation requirement. I had always liked art and my mother, although completely self-taught, was a gifted sketcher and painter. As a child, I was always messing with paints and crayons and chalks. That first class proved to be an awakening. It was like one side of my brain ... the left side believed to be in a dominant position for the logic and calculating skills involved in mathematics and the sciences ... tightened up and the other hemisphere ... the right side linked to the creativity and spatial abilities at the heart of the arts and music ... blossomed open.

So for me, the next two years were crammed with every drawing, painting, pottery, computer art, and printmaking course I could squeeze in. And I began assembling a portfolio. Looking back I realize my work was minor ... pitiful in some respects. And I applied to some prestigious art schools who must have LOLed at my entrance submissions. But regardless, the creative shift encouraged me to attend a decent state university and gain solid design skills and aptitudes that pushed me toward the fields of advertising and marketing.

I remember sending my first college application away and my Mom saying how she wasn't surprised at all that I had chosen to study design. "You were always my most creative kid," she said to me privately. "When you were all little, the other three loved to watch TV but would run around during commercials and get snacks and use the bathroom. But you ... YOU never gave TV a second look until the commercials started. Then you plopped yourself on the floor and told all the other kids to shut up!!"

POINT OF RANT: I still would have made a great scientist!!

Today In My Living Room ...

2010-12-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

When I get home from work, I have several "rituals" I go through. First I take off my shoes and luxuriate in the spreading of my toes as far apart as they will possibly go. Then I open up a fresh can of Mountain Dew, savoring the heady aroma of sugar, lime, and bubbles. Then it's comfortable clothes and a search for a hockey battle or college basketball game.

This time of year, plugging in my Christmas tree joins the list of "must dos." Sometimes I get captivated by the sparkling lights and ornaments that hold all sorts of special memories and meaning. I just stand there for seconds or minutes, mesmerized into immobility.

To be entirely honest, I'm sort of an ornament addict. I have lights, ribbon, ornaments, and tree skirts for approximately eight or nine trees. As a teenager, I had my own tree in my bedroom ... a four-foot garage sale find. I used every spare cent I had to create that first tree ... blue lights, dark blue velvet bows, variegated bulbs that simulated the feathers of a blue jay, and even an old-style St. Nicolas in regal midnight blue robes. I slept with that tree lit up from Black Friday until January 3.

Later years allowed me to develop other color themes that I still pull out from time to time ... cranberry, rust, and copper; lilac and silver; and red and black.

Then came the stars ... metal, fabric, ceramic, glass, wood, etc. Some were Native American inspired with woven wire and glass beads. Others were artsy, crafted from colored glass or cloisonne techniques. And still others were various cookie cutters and found star-shaped objects co-opted into being tree decorations. Still one of my favorite themes.

In 2006, purely by accident, I developed an obsession for Hallmark ornaments. I needed a last-minute greeting card and wandered into a nearby Hallmark outlet and past its ornament display. My God ... Disney characters, classic cartoon favorites, iconic toys and images, super heroes, Star Trek vessels, and so much more. I spent hundreds. And I STILL have "to get" lists for some of their 2008 and 2009 items I just couldn't swing. Christmas 2008 I bit the bullet and purchased a new six-foot, pre-lit, artificial blue spruce tree. It was truly resplendent in all it's three-year-build-up Hallmark regalia. Buzz Lightyear hanging beside Wonder Woman ... Ursula from "Little Mermaid" perched on the same branch as the Mystery Machine van. Sylvester eying the balancing fish on a Cat-In-The-Hat ornament. The combinations were exhilarating.

Wacky is the best word to sum up my 2009 tree. If it was lime green or had feathers or reminded me or circus soleil, then it ended up on my tree. I had pink pinwheels, purple metal springs, aquamarine bulbs, ostrich plumes, and elongated figures that looked like residents of Whoville. It was weird and an eyesore and I loved it!!

This year, I settled for bulbs. Hundreds of bulbs ... all colors and all shapes. It is surprisingly elegant. Not really me at all. Oh well ... in another two weeks it will join the ranks of all the other carefully-labelled totes I have in storage. Just a colorful memory.

POINT OF RANT: Any ideas for 2011?