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Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today In The Mirror

During my daily morning "getting ready" routine, I pay close attention to my face/head/moneymaker area. Shaving is a complex ritual for me since I have very sensitive skin. New blades often, special shave cream, etc. My teeth, likewise, require extra care because of cranky gums. I also always check for new wrinkles and gray hair (damn them), and apply a cream that supposedly keeps the shadows around my eyes from making me look like I never sleep.

Then there's my eyebrows. My heritage is primarily Welsh and German, so I'm not an overly hair-ridden individual based on genetics. But I must admit, I have a thing about eyebrows ... meaning everyone has two so it should like they have two.

If I were the type of individual who waged hate campaigns, I think I could take up a pithy picket sign against the unibrow, or scary eyebrows in general.

Men would be my number-one target. It doesn't take Six-Million-Dollar-Man bionic vision to see when the two lumps of hair over your eyes begin to merge. Unibrows instantly convey the idea of lower intelligence, poor manners, and iffy bathing habits. Tweezers don't require a license to operate. Or if tong-like items aren't to your liking, then a quick swipe with your disposable razor once a week can keep the "good fences make good neighbors" adage alive on your handsome mug.

I'm not talking about time-consuming brow shaping involving complex measurements and intricate trig calculations. Just basic manscaping to fit in with the average 21st century human being. I remember an episode of "Will & Grace" (yes, I was a fan ... and Karen made that show) where Nadine (Kristen Davis) says to Will, "And you're too groomed. If your eyebrows were tweezed any more, you'd be Nicole Kidman!" I don't want to see that walking around.

The secondary targets of my "Control Your Eyebrows" campaign would be all the people with "carnival ride" brow styles. They need to be dealt with severely, or at least moved to a remote island where they can fight for dominance and resources. This means you, at least one girl on every season/cycle of "America's Next Top Model." And you, Grandpas of America with graying eyebrambles larger than most garden shrubbery. And you, teller at the bank with the seemingly shaky hands who has simply cut out the middleman by drawing on her eyebrows each day in a slightly different and chilling style.

POINT OF RANT: Pluck it up and take pride in your appearance!

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