Today Tapping My Foot ...

Just hold the Christmas phone to Santa for a moment! I like the holidays as much as the next person ... all the lights and decorations and pageantry. I can even handle the crazy traffic and crowded stores and the less-than-ideal commercial aspects of the season to a point, but now they're messing with my Oreos ... again.

The red- and green-filled show-offs are returning for the Christmas season. But just like the lamest gift ever, you can use shiny wrapping paper and those fancy ribbon curls to dress it up but it's still just lame!!

Nabisco first introduced the Oreo "biscuit" in NYC in 1912 but it was so NOT like the Oreos that have captured my heart and waistline. The original cookies were lumpy little mounds and filled with either the traditional cream ... YUM! ... or lemon meringue. Really? Lemon Oreos?

Like other candies and confectionery creations of the time, Oreos were originally sold by the pound in novelty tins and often brought out as treats for special occasions or as gifts to impress someone special.

"My" Oreo wasn't developed until about 40 years later (1952) when the manufacturer started imprinting the cookies with the distinctive Nabisco Oreo logo, as well as employing the snappy branding "Oreo Creme Sandwich." Additionally, at some point the recipe for the cream filling was adjusted to eliminate pork fat. Yeah ... pork fat! If it tasted like Oreo cream filling, I'd hollow out a pig with my tongue!!

Anyway, my complaint ... "rant" if you will ... is that, regardless of what they say, Oreo cream with food coloring tastes different. Flat. Less delicious!! Now, when the Nabisco company execs handling Oreos have gone temporarily insane in the past and tried things like mint-flavored filling, peanut butter-tinted tragedies, and their "Banana Split" and "Strawberry Milkshake" fiascoes, I've given them the benefit of the doubt ... and sufficient time to come to their senses. Similarly, I showed the same patience with "Golden Oreos" (vanilla cookies instead of chocolate ... I know, utter madness), "Uh-Oh Oreos" (vanilla wafer cookies with chocolate cream filling ... reality gone loco), and the whole line of reduced-fat and sugar-free formulations (come on ... they're Oreos!). But I also knew going in that those affronts to the "natural cookie order" would taste bad. "Different" ... I meant to say "different."

What makes me crazy is the aforementioned holiday cookies or the orange-hued scares I just suffered through for Halloween. And don't even get me started on the blue- and pink-pastelled treats they put on the shelves for Easter. The people responsible for those taste-impaired decisions need to be put through the same special 300-foot oven that bakes the damn not-as-good shaded shams.

And while I'm in Oreo mode, what about the good ... dare I say GREAT ... innovations that Nabisco and Kraft (the umbrella company) have dangled before the cookie-lovers of this planet and then taken away like a toy from a naughty child. Grievance 1: "Double Stuf Oreos," introduced in 1975, are supposed to have twice the amount of cream filling as a traditional Oreo. BULL!!! They're shrinking faster than an 85-year-old Grannie with advanced osteoporosis. Grievance 2: "Big Stuf Oreos" got pulled from the shelves after only seven scant years because of lagging popularity. Really? Giant Oreos weren't popular? Maybe not on Mars! And Grievance 3 (and the most grievous): In 2006, "Triple Stuf Oreos" were sold in select cities for a one-month, never-to-be-repeated limited campaign. Where the #%*$ was the memo? Hell, I read my Oreo newsletter faithfully cover to cover and there was no mention ... not even a hint of the creamy Nirvana about to unfold. I could have taken vacation time ... or relocated. That was just criminal, and I AM looking for a lawyer who will take the case!!

POINT OF RANT: Where do you buy pork fat?