Today At The Fair ...

Last night was the first night of our county fair. I've been doing extra sit-ups and leg work to build up my stamina for the event. Fairs mean lots of walking, moving like a ninja to avoid the elderly on electric carts and all the animal droppings placed like land mines in the parking areas. Fair also means gravity-defying rides that look so repaired and piecemealed that there should be an insurance agent sitting beside the ticket booth to offer you additional coverage as you buy your chit for the "Zipper" or the "Tornado." The arrival of the county fair also represents a week of almost anything you can imagine deep-fried or skewered on a stick. Pickles ... cheese ... ice cream ... bananas ... oreos ... onion rings on a scale with the planet Saturn. Literally Heaven, well, on a stick!

But all this pales in comparison to the fascination my mind receives from a full week of watching the continual parade of incest and inbreeding and youthful disobedience and revolting displays of PDA that is County Fair Week!!

I'm out and about in my community fairly frequently, but why is it that fair week seems to unearth people of dubious genetics and, undoubtedly, extra toes. Honestly, I'm a mellow guy who rolls with most punches, but when I go to the fair I run into more unwashed, slack-jawed, loud and aggressive individuals then I normally would in a five-year period. It's more than just the outrageous piercings and the ludicrous amounts of tattoos ... both of which I think are cool in moderation ... but it's the confrontational attitudes and the cutting in lines and the being downright disrespectful to other fair-goers that renew my strong beliefs in birth control and abortion. I actually watched a pack of "motorcycle" chicks call out a family with two small children ... one in a stroller ... because they didn't feel they needed to wait their turn for fresh-squeezed lemonade! Do these cantankerous coots come in on buses? Is Jerry Springer taping shows again nearby? Does the fair board offer a discount for the downtrodden that I've never heard about?

And I mentioned PDAs ... public displays of affection. The retort "Get A Room!" was undoubtedly created at a county fair when someone with above-average morals asked a pair of recent high school graduates to quit having face sex on the midway. Or maybe it was when a feisty older lady, seeing one of the carny couples "rounding third and heading for home" between the livestock buildings, had just had enough.

I'm not a prude ... I have a serious porn collection, after all ... but I really don't want to see Olympics-level tonsil hockey between people I assume are brother and sister, nor do I get a thrill out of witnessing a middle-aged attraction worker promise a high school girl "the big pink pony" ... God, I hope he meant the stuffed animal ... if he can peek at her perky, underage breasts. Not now ... not ever!!

When I was a teenager, I loved the fair ... started mowing lawns as soon as spring hit so I'd have plenty of money to blow on rides and treats and games of chance. I also begged all my "rural" friends to let me stay a night in the animal barns with them because I heard they stayed up all night talking and telling scary stories. Now, I look at the teenaged fair goers and wonder what kind of alcohol I smell on them as they walk by. At yesterday's opening night, I watched two wasted girls claw at each other because one said something "bitchy" on Facebook. About 20 minutes later, I saw a mob of about 20 laughing young people encircled around a skinny boy of maybe 15 as he projectile vomited his alcohol-filled guts out. Of course, they all had their cell phones out taking pics and vid footage. "I'm sending this to everyone," one gawking girl proclaimed. Another teen said he was gonna try and be the first to get it posted on YouTube. At that moment, I felt so good about not having any children of my own.

POINT OF RANT: Maybe I should avoid "Tractor Pull Night" ... the crowds at the demolition derby might be more my cup of tea!!