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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Today In TVGuide ...

There are two things I really get steamed about: tennis and segregation. Tennis is a sport that is ssssooooo boring to watch and tough to play. To be good at singles, you have to have the speed of Mercury and the stamina of a pornstar. And to play doubles effectively, you have to like the sensation of another person whizzing a sturdy neon ball into the back of your head. Like the feeling a lot! And there are rules in tennis like staying inside lines (coloring for adults), spectators have to be quiet, and players have to grunt like patrons in the video arcade at the back of an adult bookstore.

Also, tennis matches take forever. The are sets and matches and game points that go on and on and on and on. The only thing good I have to say about tennis is that players are usually pretty spiffy dressers.

And then there's segregation ... isolating or separating people, often by force, from certain resources based on some socially-explosive criteria. It's just bad.

But put tennis and segregation together, and you've got yourself the next great idea!!

Let me explain. On my television dish system, I have approximately 300 channels of eye-popping, mind-numbing, pulse-raising entertainment. There are channels for home improvement, shopping, cooking, and dozens of other special interests. And sports ... we got sports. We have a golf channel, and a channel focusing on high school athletics, and ESPNs numbering in the threes and fours. Let's force all televised tennis onto a special channel ... NetTV ... or GSM (Game-Set-Match). Now the major networks can focus on more epic dramas and edge-of-the-seat medical shows, and the independents don't have to mess up my "Whatever Marathon" watching to sponsor Wimbledon or the U.S. Open.

And once we have tennis in its proper place, we can get those damn fancy dog shows onto Animal Planet where they belong, and develop a forensic drama channel where I can sell my pilot scripts for CSI:Cleveland and NCIS:Fort Wayne.

POINT OF RANT: Don't ever make me watch dogs playing tennis ... I won't be responsible for my actions.

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