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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Today On The Drawing Board ...

I had a phone conversation with my friend Richie ... he was complaining about all the yard work and house upkeep he had to do. Every weekend, his wife ... Beth ... had a list of chores he was expected to squeeze into the two days ... rain or shine ... sweltering heat or frigid cold.
One of Richie's least favorite jobs was "poop patrol," the cleaning up of all the excrement left by their beagle Higgins. "That's what I thought we had kids for," Richie explained, "you know, to grow up and do all the things around the house we hate to do."

I was considering this conversation while consuming a Bomb Pop ... those bright, icy, and oddly-ridged red, white, and blue treats ... when I had an idea for the ultimate invention. Dog Turd Dye ... DTD!!

DTD would be a tasteless and odorless additive to wet dog food. It would come in a small bottle kept in the refrigerator. When canine dinner time rolls around, a dropper full of DTD is added to your pet's food. And for approximately 48 hours, every ass nugget that leaves your dog will be tennis ball yellow, horror movie ooze green, or construction cone orange. Locating and removing these biological messes from your yards will be a breeze! I would become a household name and bazillionaire in one easy stroke!!

Then, like a rational person, I began to think about logistics. How do you meet a fun-lovong chemist? Caribou Coffee? And what about safety issues? I know that, in humans, food additives like colorings and dyes have been tentatively linked to serious health concerns such as liver damage, asthma, and cancer. And in children, studies conducted with tartrazine, more commonly known as FDC yellow #5 ... there goes my tennis ball yellow option ... have shown connections with hives, hyperactivity, and a lack of focus and concentration. Animal testing has been done on lots of rats with varying results. I guess dogs would have to be studied to, but I think it has potential.

I'm still gonna call Richie and give him the good news!!

POINT OF RANT: Do dogs really need to concentrate?

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