Today At An Imaginary Lunch - Guest 1 ...

You know that stupid question that gets asked at parties sometime about what three people would you most like to have lunch with - alive or dead? People always get all uppity and say Abraham Lincoln (because he freed the slaves), Gandhi (because he is the symbol for peace and enlightenment), the Pope (don't have a clue), Jesus Christ (because you could give him a list of people to screw with), and so on and so on.

Well since the whole "perfect lunch" scenario is imaginary, so would be my guests. This is a three-day post ... my first guest would be Stewie Griffin from Fox's Family Guy. Stewie's had a rough time. He wants to take over the world but is too small to even reach the top of a table. He has an incredibly dry sense of humor, but most people can't even understand him because he's a one-year-old. He appears to be questioning his sexual orientation and therefore engages in unorthodox activities. He has the handicapps of any kid with a football-shaped heads (finding a good hat would suck) and the wrinkly eyes of a 50-year-old cowboy. And his show ... a cornerstone of the Fox Network ... has been canceled, saved, canceled, saved, attacked, boycotted, and pretty much put through the blender by censors and critics alike. I LOVE IT!!

But, oh, to pick the brain of Stewie Griffin. I could get Brian's cell number so we could compare notes on the life of a wannabe novelist. I could find out if he's ever had a run in with the Evil Monkey or the Fighting Chicken. I could perhaps discover the source of his passive-aggressive relationship with Lois and smooth things over for them. And, of course, I'd get the skinny on anything going on between him and Rupert.

POINT OF RANT: Nothing says stimulating lunch conversation like a domineering, mother-abhoring, technology-hording, enraged, sarcastic baby.