Today On A Placemat ...

Usually, Fridays are the day at work where a few of us "splurge" and go out for lunch. But today, myself and three other co-workers were lamenting over particularly rough weekends ... some physical, some emotional ... and we decided to treat ourselves to lunch at the Golden Phoenix, my favorite Chinese restaurant in the whole metropolitan area.

It's not much to look at ... a brick storefront among other brick storefronts. And the only parking is down a side street two blocks away. But they make a garlic shrimp with snowpeas and carrots that must be on the menu in Heaven!

Anyway, we were seated and each of us was telling our weekend war stories. My mind drifted a bit and I perused the paper placemat under my plate. I'd read the little paragraphs about the various Chinese zodiac characters dozens of time ... I eat here A LOT!! But this time I looked with a bit of skepticism because I had recently learned a bit more about the nature of the Eastern philosophy behind it.

In a nutshell ... and apologies to any readers who think I am oversimplifying things ... Buddha, or the "awakened one," lived around 560 BC to 480 BC in India. He was a very serious man and often concerned with the nature of the human condition. So Buddha set out on various quests to learn and experience life firsthand. His teachings eventually became the foundation of several Eastern religions and predominant schools of thought.

Anyway, the story goes that Buddha was preparing to leave the earthly plane and he invited all the animals to attend a banquet. One interpretation says that out of all the creatures on the planet only 12 showed up. Another version explains that Buddha's domain was separated by the surrounding countryside by a mighty river and only 12 animals had the strength or courage or ingenuity to successfully cross the rapid current. In their honor, Buddha named a year for each of their spirits and incorporated their attributes into the population.

Thus ... in order of their arrival ... the Chinese name a year for the Rat, the Ox, the Tiger, the Hare (or Rabbit), the Dragon, the Snake, the Horse, the Sheep (or Ram), the Monkey, the Rooster (or Cock), the Dog, and the Pig. When a person is born, their time of birth brings them under the influence of certain animal spirits. The lunar animal is associated with the actual birth year ... not the "solar" or calendar year we're familiar with, but the Chinese lunar year which runs basically early February to late January. That's why those placemat predictions are so sketchy ... many people born in January like myself have a misguided idea of their over-riding spirit. Anyway, our lunar animal affects us most as we grow up and shapes how we present ourselves to the world at large. This spirit is also how many people perceive us in general terms.

Each individual also has an inner animal which corresponds to a set number of days within the year. The attributes we gain from this animal spirit are believed by the majority of Eastern philosophers and astrologers to be our true defining nature. The inner animal manifests when we are adults and is very difficult to be altered or swayed.

And then there is a primary secret animal linked to us by the hours of the day in which we were born. Secret animals give us subtle characteristics that most people only recognize once they've known us for a while. But these forces play a key role in how we develop friendships and deeper attachments.

Each animal also brings with it a focal point of yin yang (or masculinity vs femininity), the earthly elements for which we feel an affinity toward (fire, water, metal, earth, etc.), and membership in groupings called trines that further strengthen our personalities.

I myself, dear readers, was birthed in the Year of the Monkey. My lunar spirit ... Shenshi ... helps me be inventive, artistic, quick-witted, and sociable at the best of times. Monkeys thirst for knowledge and ask loads of questions. Monkeys set goals and make lists. They have keen memories and thrive in environments where things change quickly.

But Monkeys walk a fine line most of their adult lives. They enjoy being the center of attention and often seek the spotlight. In some cultures, the Monkey is also called "the Prankster," using his own humor and cleverness to gain favor with others. But Monkeys often go overboard and offend those around them or unintentionally hurt the feelings of friends, family, and co-workers.

Monkeys also have a unique "handicap" of being creatures with tons of ideas but not the best verbal skills. They often can't articulate the things in their heads and end up looking confused or unprepared. Individuals born in the Year of the Monkey often have trouble shutting down their creativity and enjoying a good night's sleep.

At their lowest, Monkeys are selfish, suspicious of others motives, and often immature.

I couldn't be any more of a Monkey if I was swinging from a vine and throwing around my fecal matter!!

My inner animal spirit ... Youshi the Rooster ... grants me superior problemsolving skills and the drive to stay organized. But the Rooster is a prideful spirit ... sometimes overconfident. He takes on lots of tasks but doesn't always have the resources to complete them adequately. And that turns the Rooster into a cuckoo!! The Rooster can easily become critical of himself and others, presenting a very abrasive facade. Roosters are truthful but blunt ... seldom a crowd pleaser. And when a Rooster sees the accomplishments of others ... things that appear to have been completed with relative ease ... he is instantly colored with jealousy.

Personally, the Monkey/Rooster double whammy is trouble. Both spirits seek the limelight ... in actions and ideas. This can cause extreme behaviors and even a sort of "spiritual war" within.

Now comes my secret animal lumbering in ... Choushi the Ox. Dependable and determined are two of this spirits greatest gifts. Oxen are very logical. We have a strong work ethic but sometimes view those who don't rather harshly. We Oxen can be stubborn and sometimes overlook good alternatives because we feel our own ideas are always best. Oxen seek several long-term friends over lots of casual acquaintances.

For me, the Monkey and the Ox wage constant battle ... social vs. loner, flirting and "getting around" vs. wanting to find a perfect, dependable mate. But interestingly enough, the Ox and the Rooster make great friends ... sharing tendencies toward materialism and jealousy ... so at least those two spirits can stop by my liver and have a beer of three while they bitch about missed opportunities in their lives!

Of my three significant spirits ... some philosophers believe there are dozens linked to certain aspects of our lives ... two (Rooster and Ox) are ruled by yin, or a more feminine, maternal, and nurturing side. Two of the three (Monkey and Rooster) have an affinity toward metal which adds an element of stability to their influence.

I mentioned trines earlier ... umbrella groupings of animal spirits. My Monkey resides within the First Trine, the most powerful and intense grouping of the Chinese zodiac pantheon. Residents share strong leadership skills as well as a tendency to get frustrated when faced with too many rules or limitations. My remaining guides (Rooster and Ox) both hang out in the Second Trine. These spirits share a fondness for being judgmental and rigid about their opinions.

Anyone who knows me well can verify that all three beasts are alive and kicking!

POINT OF RANT: We should have ordered more egg rolls ... the Ox is a real Pig!!

Today At Noon ...

Every day at work, I get seriously queasy around 11:30 a.m. It's not because I'm hungry or that I often skip breakfast ... the most important meal of the day. No, it's because at that precise moment, someone sticks their head up from their desk or leans out their office door or peeks around their cubicle and asks "What's everyone doing for lunch?"

Lunch for me, if I'm lucky, is a closed office door so I can just close my eyes or return personal calls and e-mails so I can stay in touch with my friends and family ... emphasis on friends. Sometimes I leave the office and "veg out" at a local coffeehouse or go and grab drive-thru and just sit somewhere and enjoy being away from deadlines and details.

But if unprepared ... like most of the time ... with believable "plans" or plausible excuses, I get enmeshed in the noon-time theatrics of about 12 people making plans to provide their bodies with less than nutritional comestibles. And the saddest part is that the conversation is like a script ... the same thing every day with a few ad libs for variety.

Our department manager ... "The Boss" ... always wants Chinese take-out. It's about the only thing on which he and I see eye-to-eye. I swear I could polish off a carton of Moo Goo Gai Pan or Shrimp Lo Mein or Garlic Pork and Snow Peas or Szechuan Beef every single day!

But then we have Penny ... sweet, lovable, good-sized Penny. Penny is a beautiful curvy woman with an obsession about her weight. She's also under the delusion that the word "salad" is synonymous with adjectives like "low fat" and "healthy." I enjoy a good salad with lots of tomato and cucumber and big slivers of mushroom. Some egg and bleu cheese and bacon never hurts either. And if you top it with fresh white pepper and fat-free Vidalia onion dressing you've created Heaven in a bowl! Penny's leanings run more toward less veggies and more breaded chicken strips and heavy, spicy dressing that glops on the lettuce more like a gravy. Well the lettuce part is healthy ... right?

Then there's Steve. He's a wild card when it comes to lunch plans because his calm, boring demeanor disguises the heart of a culinary adventurer. At his lowest setting, Steve insists on pizza with pineapple and spicy sausage ... or anchovies and hot peppers. At his upper range, Steve has convinced me ... much to my delight ... to try "kani" and "tako" and "hamachi" and yummy "spider rolls" from a great sushi bar nearby.

Our office "traditionalist" is Henry. He knows every burger joint within five square miles and he knows what kind of pickles they use and whether spicy mustard is a standard or special request. When we order out for burgers and a place says they don't have Swiss cheese or avocado slices, Henry gets on the phone and the order is "worked out."

I think Jeanette was placed in our office just to ruffle feathers. She's an outspoken Vegan ... I don't think that requires any more explanation. Pain in the ass during holidays and potluck events. On those days, she brings and lot and takes about the same amount of food back home. We smell it in leftovers for days!

And of course we have Stephanie and Gail. These two women always acquiesce to the majority in the group, but they always add "or we could all go out" to the discussion in a cute, sing-song manner. They work in open cubicles, but I swear they act like they're in a cage all day or shackled to their desks. They get this look in their eyes like lunch outside the office might give them the chance to make their "escape."

But the real key to our department's eating habits ... actually, for most of the building ... is Melody. A more recent addition to our team, Melody is young, cute, blond, and perky. She knows her way around a spreadsheet like no one I know and she's one of those individuals who spends the last 20 minutes of the workday tidying up her desk and files to the point where her area looks like an empty desk that no one's using. Around the first of the year, Melody decided to create a menu book of all the take-out spots in the area, popular restaurants, and even bakeries and caterers and party supply places. It has become the "Rosetta stone" of the office; the book itself is crafted and organized to the standards of an Olympic-level scrapbooker. I'm not kidding ... our accounting and legal departments combined don't pay that much attention to detail.

Sometimes when the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is just over the 11, I long for the simplicity of elementary school. When lunch convened back then, the choices were either the meal your Mom "packed" ... which could be upgraded with carefully-orchestrated trades and swaps between strategically-aligned parties in the manner of a childhood NATO ... or shuffling along the metal cafeteria "line" to receive your tray of various victuals designed to address ... or mimic ... the basic food groups. An d damn if the chocolate milk and apple crisp weren't like manna from the gods.

POINT OF RANT: I always push for lunch with "The Boss" ... he has the type of ego that often prompts him to pick up the check!!

Today At An Imaginary Lunch - Guest 1 ...

You know that stupid question that gets asked at parties sometime about what three people would you most like to have lunch with - alive or dead? People always get all uppity and say Abraham Lincoln (because he freed the slaves), Gandhi (because he is the symbol for peace and enlightenment), the Pope (don't have a clue), Jesus Christ (because you could give him a list of people to screw with), and so on and so on.

Well since the whole "perfect lunch" scenario is imaginary, so would be my guests. This is a three-day post ... my first guest would be Stewie Griffin from Fox's Family Guy. Stewie's had a rough time. He wants to take over the world but is too small to even reach the top of a table. He has an incredibly dry sense of humor, but most people can't even understand him because he's a one-year-old. He appears to be questioning his sexual orientation and therefore engages in unorthodox activities. He has the handicapps of any kid with a football-shaped heads (finding a good hat would suck) and the wrinkly eyes of a 50-year-old cowboy. And his show ... a cornerstone of the Fox Network ... has been canceled, saved, canceled, saved, attacked, boycotted, and pretty much put through the blender by censors and critics alike. I LOVE IT!!

But, oh, to pick the brain of Stewie Griffin. I could get Brian's cell number so we could compare notes on the life of a wannabe novelist. I could find out if he's ever had a run in with the Evil Monkey or the Fighting Chicken. I could perhaps discover the source of his passive-aggressive relationship with Lois and smooth things over for them. And, of course, I'd get the skinny on anything going on between him and Rupert.

POINT OF RANT: Nothing says stimulating lunch conversation like a domineering, mother-abhoring, technology-hording, enraged, sarcastic baby.

Today At Lunch ...

Yesterday, I went into work early so I could take a two-hour lunch. Phil ... an old neighbor of mine who bailed me out of some serious scrapes once or twice ... is in my neck of the woods visiting relatives. He's travelling with his two year old son, Gaston. Phil wants to eat at a local chain restaurant ... not my fave by a long shot ... because his son "prefers" the place's kid's menu. Does a two-year-old even understand the concept of a menu? Or of a preference?

Anyway, we meet at the eatery and get seated pretty quick ... it's only just past 11 so we beat the lunch crowd. I'm sitting with my diet soda ... Phil has an iced tea ... and Gaston has already created a small reenactment from Hamburger Hill with saltines and drippings from his sippy cup.

The waitress returns to take our orders. Phil surprises by choosing a salad ... he had always been a poster child for carnivores ... so I take the reins and order a 1/3 pound California burger with avocado and onions. Phil asks our waitress if she can give them a few more minutes while he and Gaston look over their options. Seriously, Gaston is not considering his options ... he has three small toys on his hi-chair tray and is just looking around as servers and patrons pass by.

When our server ... Cyndi with an "I" in the wrong place ... returns, Phil asks for the kid's chicken fingers basket. "But they're not really fingers, are they Gassy," Phil says to his son in that sing-songy voice that parents develop. "No they're not."

No, they are not, indeed, the fingers from a chicken, but that did get me to thinking about how confusing some food selections must sound to children with average to above-average cognitive skills and overall brainpower.

I hope preschool curricula cover these things, but chicken "nuggets" are not made of gold ... but, again, chicken. Fish "sticks" are not comprised of twigs and storm debris. When children run away, they are sometimes recovered but also sometimes endure some tragic events. They are not, however, harvested and turned into tater "tots."

Then there's the whole "hot dog" controversy to explain. How many parents have explained that hot dogs aren't made from canines and that people don't eat dogs? Lots ... but part of their sugary explanation isn't true.

Although frowned upon by many, several cultures still embrace the consumption of dog meat. It all started with ancient Chineses and Aztec civilizations, where certain breeds of canines were raised for meat. Many Aztec artifacts ... especially pottery ... depict dogs being consumed, while Mandarin culture describes dog meat as "mutton of the Earth."

If you're a world traveler, you might have the opportunity to sample rica-rica (a hot roasted dog dish) while attending a wedding in Indonesia, or slurp down a bowl of bosintang (a fragrant soup made from dog) from a vendor stall in Korea. While touring some rural areas of Switzerland, you may be able to resupply your stash of canine sausage and doggie jerky. And in a hotspot like Hanoi, you can probably find a group of men bonding over platters of cho zao sa ot, fried dog cooked with lemon grass and chilis ... it's supposed to have a special kick similar to Viagra.

The list of countries and delicacies goes on and on. Makes explaining "kidney" beans seem like a walk in the park!

POINT OF RANT: Haggis ... actually good. Dog jerky ... not for all the money in my savings account.