Today In The Easter Candy Section ...

Last year, I wrote a blog post on the difficulties of locating the ideal sized, solid chocolate bunny for filling Easter baskets. Now I’m embarking on a campaign to get people to turn their backs on another Easter-time staple … the dreaded PEEPS!!

PEEPS are to marshmallow as Taco Bell is to Mexican cuisine. Marshmallow as a candy finds its roots in ancient Egypt and also in the field of medicine. More than 5,000 years ago, Egyptian physicians used the root of the marshmallow plant … Althaea officinalis … to create a confection that was both tasty and a remedy for sore throats. Using either the pithy root or sap, the plant material was mixed with nuts and honey to create a widely-consumed chewy treat.

Many years later … the early 19th century to be exact … French candy makers augmented the recipe by whipping the marshmallow sap and sweetening it, often with rose water. Known as pate de guimauve, the new marshmallow included an egg white meringue to lighten the candy and provide a unique texture. These French confections closely resembled what we today call “marshmallows” … most often a combination of corn syrup, water, softened gelatin, dextrose, flavor extracts, and sometimes coloring agents whipped into fluffy goodness. Further modernization was applied to marshmallow candy in 1948 when Alex Doumak, an American inventor, created an extrusion process that pushed the various ingredients through tubes, cut them into small cylindrical shapes, and finished each piece with a mixture of finely-powdered cornstarch and confectioner’s sugar. Contemporary marshmallows contain ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from the marshmallow plant. Puffed up treats, indeed!!

Now I love marshmallow crème on top of a nice bowl of chocolate ice cream! And I have very happy memories of toasting marshmallows during childhood camping trips. But the perversion of the “white stuff” that PEEPS represent just makes me quiver … I get that feeling like someone is walking on my grave.

The often-overlooked sign of the Apocalypse that we call marshmallow PEEPS truly began in Russia. Sam Born, A Russian-born candy maker, immigrated to the U.S. from France in 1910. Born was an incredibly hardworking and determined man. He worked at his craft and soon gained a reputation for introducing French chocolates to New York City. Born also received great acclaim for inventing a machine that mechanically inserted sticks into lollipops, a procedure previously requiring human workers. In 1923, Born opened a small retail candy shop in Brooklyn. The business promoted that its candies were made daily and passersby were thrilled with the elaborate displays in the storefront’s windows. One marketing slogan prominently displayed was a simple window sign that reminded people that the fresh treats inside were “Just Born.” Soon the Just Born Corporation was created. In fact, the company’s original logo featured a baby resting in a candy measuring scale.

Despite the challenges of being a small business and the economic devastation of the Depression Era, the Just Born Corporation thrived in the Greater New York area. In 1932, the company moved its operations to an empty printing factory in the bustling steel town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Born’s expanded enterprise soon began tapping into new markets. As Just Born grew in popularity and business strength, the company acquired smaller candy companies and their various resources. The first significant acquisition occurred in 1935 with the Maillard Corporation, well known for its hand-decorated chocolates, crystalized fruits (YUM!!), and bridge mix. Sam Born and his organization continued on an upward spiral, launching the fruity, jaw working “Mike and Ike” candies in 1940 and the spicy, cinnamon-flavored “Hot Tamales” in 1950.

But the road to “true evil” was embarked upon by Just Born in 1953 when the company absorbed the Rodda Candy Company in nearby Lancaster, PA. Rodda was well known for its “jelly bean technology,” but Sam Born was more intrigued by the company’s small line of marshmallow products … including chicks. These sticky confections … hand-formed from a yellow-tinted marshmallow recipe … were very popular but labor-intensive to create. In early 1954, Sam’s son, Bob (who had joined the company in 1946), developed special manufacturing equipment that mechanized the “chick forming process” and allowed for mass production of the spongy, bird-shaped confections. And with the flip of a switch on an upgraded conveyor belt, the Just Born Corporation became the largest marshmallow candy company in the world. And its key product was branded as PEEPS Brand Marshmallow Candies. I wonder if people remember where they were the day this tragedy occurred?

PEEPS literally swept the land. And over the next few decades, these creatures of chewiness changed form and further insinuated themselves into American culture. Typically associated with the Easter season, PEEPS assaulted other holidays. In 1958, pumpkin PEEPS attacked the Halloween candy market. Christmas was also a victim … Just Born introduced snowmen and Christmas tree PEEPS in 1960. The ‘60s and early ‘70s seemed to be a time where Just Born and the Born family regrouped, marshaling their forces. Oh, the company marketed some chewy candy variations to keep us interested … like “Root-T-Toots” (root beer-flavored chewy candies) and “Cool Kids” (spearmint chews) and “Jack and Jill” (licorice chews) … but it was just a front, a way of lulling us into lowering our defenses. And then BLAM!! … Just Born attacks an American institution. In 1975, the company introduces football PEEPS just prior to the start of the NFL season. Insidious, I say! Then the attack of 1977. Teddy bear PEEPS … is nothing sacred?! Over the next few decades, Just Born renewed its onslaught on Easter. In 1980, cute little bunny PEEPS were added to the company’s product assortment. In 1995, lavender chick PEEPS were created to provide contrast to the original yellow devil-birds. Blue chicks and green chicks followed respectively in 1998 and 2007. Just before the start of the new millennium, Just Born fired a salvo of multi-targeted ventures. In 1999, the public was tempted with the first-ever flavored PEEPS. The new product promised vanilla crème goodness and many unsuspecting people were swayed. The same year the company decided to use the power of the media on the masses, launching its first-ever national TV advertising campaign and www.marshmallowpeeps.com. The media also helped Just Born that year by reporting on an Emory University study on the “indestructible nature” of PEEPS. And just to confuse us, Just Born entered the sour candy market the same year with “Zours,” a truly delicious combination of blue raspberry, green apple, tangerine, and watermelon flavors. This concentrated effort, I believe, laid the groundwork for what I call the “Devious Decade.” Starting in 2000, the Just Born Corporation systematically enthralled the public with various introductions and product developments disguised as “doing business.” In 2000, Valentine’s Day was subsumed by the introduction of heart-shaped strawberry crème PEEPS. In 2002, the very patriotic nature of our nation and its citizens was trampled with star-shaped PEEPS. In 2003, the company launched a media blitzkrieg for its 50th anniversary. This was followed by PEEPS decorating kits (2004), sexy chick PEEPS enclosed in a chocolate “egg” (2005), sugar-free PEEPS (2007), and letter-shaped PEEPS for writing tasty little messages (2008). Toward the end of this decade, Just Born developed a secondary headquarters for spreading its confectionary ill-will by opening its first retail store … PEEPS & Company … in National Harbor, Maryland. Now the public had access to a plethora of PEEPS products and additional promotional items like T-shirts and other apparel, lunchboxes, sports items, toys, candy dispensers, cosmetics, and much more. And in 2010, PEEPS collided and conquered one of the most sacred elements in the universe … chocolate. This year marked the introduction of chocolate-covered PEEPS! Today I feel like the only soldier fighting against millions of enemy agents. The public is not in my corner, helping in the fight against these overly-chewy, carnauba wax-filled beasts. Every year, the colorful Just Born creations fly off the shelves. “PEEP OFF” events across the country attempt to break records for PEEPS consumption. Artists and photographers … some quite famous … utilize PEEPS in new work. And prominent media outlets like the Seattle Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, and St. Paul Pioneer Press fan the flames with contests to promote PEEPS-loving activities like photo contests and diorama displays. There is some good news ... a friend just told me of an annual "Kill The PEEPS" contest where people attempt to develop more diabolical ways for destroying these Tartarus-tainted treats!

So I’m going to keep fighting, but the odds are definitely against me. The Just Born Corporation has more than 500 dedicated associates in facilities in both Bethlehem and Philadelphia, including three generations of the irascible Born family. Just Born candies are sold in more than 35 countries. And every single day, 4.2 million friggin’ PEEPS march off the assembly line!

POINT OF RANT: When I drop my mini-marshmallows in my cocoa, my eyes see the enemy burning. BURNING!!

Today On My Doorstep ...

I’m going to apologize upfront because this post was thrown together pretty quickly, but when something so cute happens in life you just want to share it.

I’ve been preparing myself for weeks for the upcoming farcical holiday which is Saint Valentine’s Day. I’ve endured literally decades of heart-shaped disappointments and embarrassments on this mid-February day. As a child, I vividly remember having a dismal turnover in one particular valentine box which I had designed to be a simple loaf of bread. Maybe the high-brow conceptual nature of the receptacle threw the other children off. Or as an adult, I recall each and every patronizing "awwww" that was bestowed on me by friends and co-workers because I was without a “special someone.” Or worse … the times I had a “special person” but didn't realize how cheap and unimaginative they were. Or the most horrible experience … where I was with a friend at a bar and was completely unaware of the date. The pub was having this Valentine's Day promotion where they randomly selected a “couple” and sat them at this special booth. There were streamers and champagne and a complimentary lovers’ dessert. And of course there were lots of pictures and Polaroids taken and intoxicated patrons chanting “kiss ... kiss … kiss!!” Can you say “mortified?”

Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a 24-hour period designed to boost business in certain commercial establishments and to torture the independent, free-thinking soul. Historical information is so sketchy that the “saintliness” of its origins cannot be confirmed. Supposedly, Valentine’s Day is an amalgamation of four men with the name Valentine: Valentine of Genoa, who died around 307 AD; Valentine of Rome, a priest martyred in 269 AD; Valentine of Terni, a bishop martyred in 197 AD; and a Valentine killed in Africa.

Unsubstantiated stories regarding the exploits of St. Valentine paint a picture of a clergyman persecuted by Roman Emperor Claudius II. Claudius gave St. Valentine the opportunity to convert to Roman paganism. When he refused, Valentine was executed. Before his death, accounts say that Valentine performed a miracle by healing the blind and deaf daughter of his jailer. Later, around 500 AD, Valentine was sainted by Pope Gelasius I.

The significance of February 14 is also open to historical interpretation. This date is supposedly when St. Valentine was laid to rest. And in ancient times, mid February was a well-known time of year. In Greece, it marked the end of Gamelion, a month dedicated to the marriage of Zeus and Hera. In Rome, the Lupercalia … a rite connected with fertility … was observed between February 13 and February 15.

Over the centuries, the story of St. Valentine has fallen victim to interpretation, hearsay, and the literary creativity of 14 century writers. One prominent version has of the myth has St. Valentine imprisoned and executed not for practicing Christianity but for performing secret marriages among young Roman soldiers and their lady loves. Emperor Claudius believed that married men made poor soldiers and was thus infuriated by Valentine’s impudence and disobedience.

Another very popular variation on the story is that while imprisoned for his Christian beliefs, Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of the manager of the jail. On the evening before his execution, Valentine wrote this girl a note and then healed her sight so she could read it. The note read “from your Valentine” and became the unofficial first Valentine Day’s card ever written.

Through the years, the connection between St. Valentine and love and romance grew stronger. In 1382, Geoffrey Chaucer coined concepts that would plague us for centuries. In his poem "Parlement of Foules," the line "for this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate" created the terms Valentine's Day and love birds.

On Valentine’s Day in 1400, an experimental court was created in Paris to deal with love contracts, marital disputes, and violence against women. Judges for the “court” were selected by a panel of women based on poetry readings.

In 1590, author Edmund Spenser used the line “she bathed with roses red, and violets blue” in his “The Faerie Queene.” A collection of English nursery rhymes in 1784 brought the phrasing closer to the “roses are red, violets are blue” we all know and … well, tolerate.

Around 1600, William Shakespeare referred to Valentine’s Day in his work, “Hamlet.”

In the very late 1700s, British publishers were producing limited lines of cards with romantic verses and sketches for young men unable to find loving words of their own for their sweethearts. Paper valentines became so popular in England in the early 19th century that factories were created to handle the demand. Specialty papers and lace were often used, as were imagery like Cupids, doves, and hearts. Reduced postal rates in England’s early 19th century started the tradition of mailing valentines to friends and family.

The creation of mass-produced valentines was adopted in the United States around 1847. Around 1950, the practice of exchanging cards in the U.S. was extended to all manner of gifts ... roses, chocolates, candies, teddy bears and other stuffed animals, balloons, and even diamonds and expensive jewelry.

Today, according to the U.S. Gteeting Card Association, more than 1 billion valentines are exchanged each year in this country, including valentine exchanges in schools and the rise of Internet e-cards.

Valentine’s Day has been adopted in most countries across the globe, but sometimes with little regional and cultural twists. In the UK in the region of Norfolk, Valentine’s Day is celebrated with “Jack Valentine,” a character that knocks on the rear door of houses leaving sweets and presents for children. In Wales, many people celebrate St. Dwynwen's Day, the patron saint of Welsh lovers, on January 25 instead of (or as well as) traditional Valentine's Day. In Romania, the traditional holiday for lovers is Dragobete, which is celebrated on February 24. In Egypt, many people celebrate Valentine's Day on February 14, and the indigenous Eid el-Hob el-Masri on November 4. In Israel, the Tu B'Av, is considered to be the Jewish Valentine's Day and is usually celebrated in late August. In Brazil, the Dia dos Namorados ("Day of the Enamored, or "Boyfriends'/Girlfriends' Day") is celebrated on June 12.

Countries in Asia were a bit slower to embrace Valentine’s Day, but many nations have created complex and interesting traditions that combine Eastern and Western flair. In Japan, the holiday was first introduced in 1936. The custom of giving chocolates was embraced after a few years, but it was only women who gave chocolates to men. Careful practices quickly developed over the type and amount of chocolate given to each person. For example, a woman might give inexpensive chocolate to an unpopular male co-worker, but she would use great care when choosing candies for her favorite uncle. In the ‘80s, a successful campaign was launched to create White Day. Celebrated on March 14, Japanese men are expected to “reply” to Valentine’s Day gifts on with white chocolates or non-chocolate candy. But again, there was a system. Some sources say that, on White Day, men are expected to return gifts that are at least two or three times more valuable than the gifts received on Valentine's Day. Not returning the gift is perceived as a man placing himself in a position of superiority. Returning a present of equal value is considered a method of terminating a friendship or relationship. Chocolate as a break up message … COOL!

In Taiwan, the tradition is like that of Japan … but in reverse. Men give gifts to women on February 14 and receive reciprocal gifts … hopefully … on March 14.

And my all-time favorite … in South Korea, citizens celebrate Valentine’s Day (February 14) with women giving chocolate to men, and White Day (March 14) with men replying with non-chocolate candy to women. But then we have Black Day … April 14 … where people who did not receive gifts on either Feb. 14 or March 14 go to a Chinese restaurant to eat black noodles (jajangmyeon) and "mourn" their single life. How appropriate!!

So now it’s Sunday … February 13 ... St. Valentine’s Eve … and I have not sent a single Valentine or purchased one solitary chocolate or treat for anyone. At about 7:15 p.m. I was relaxed and watching some TV when there was a knock on my door. I answered it to behold my seven-year-old niece bundled up from head to toe. She pushed back her hood, removed her gloves, and smiled at me. “Here,” she said as she handed me a plastic bag from a local supermarket.

“Where’s your Mom?” I asked.

“Outside in the car.” She waited a few seconds expectantly and then added, “Look inside.”

I pulled the bag open and inside was a small box covered with colored pasta and sealed with glue or modgepodge. I lifted the lid and inside … resting on a bed of tattered cotton … was a candy necklace.

“Thank you sweetie. It’s really pretty.”

My niece just giggled as she struggled back into her gloves. “You don’t wear it, silly … you eat it. It’s for Valentine’s Day. I made Mom stop by cause I wanted to make sure you knew I loved you.”

I was so humbled. I think I’ll be hitting the store tomorrow. At least for one special valentine.

POINT OF RANT: If I’m celebrating Black Day, the restaurant damn well better have a liquor license!!

Today In The Candy Aisle ...

I'm going to the movies tonight and that means all my ninja stealth will be needed, as well as my brain's latent criminal tendencies. It also predisposes that I'll be wearing cargo pants ... not always fashionable but a necessity for the type of "caper" I'm about to pull off.

See, at the core of my being I'm a cheap bastard. I simply refuse to pay $3.50 for something that retails for "two for a buck" at the nearest "dollar store." Yes, I'm no better than a profiteering coyote at the U.S.-Mexican border. But instead of assisting any of the more than 500,000 estimated illegal immigrants who make that jaunt annually, I'm helping ounce after ounce (caution: this product may settle after shipment) of lemony goodness go from box to belly without the theatre ushers being any the wiser.

Yes, fine citizens ... I'm talking about the smuggling of Lemonheads.

In the early '60s, execs at the Ferrara Pan Candy Company were in a lather. The company's signature confection ... Red Hots ... had the collective gastrointestinal attention of the country. But not everyone liked "spicy candy," so in 1962 company formulators decided to create a sour citrus nugget using the same "panned process" that builds candy from a central piece with careful layers of flavor and texture. Today, Ferrera Pan produces HALF A BILLION Lemonheads to meet demand.

Some conspiracy theorists ... well, just me actually ... believe that Lemonheads are the result of a secret government experiment where aggressive killer bees were given a diet of pure sugar cane and unrefined carnauba wax and then doused with heavy squirts of Lemon Pledge (SC Johnson, a family company). Regardless, when I was a child I received a small box of the little yellow pellets in my Halloween take. I popped some of that "waxy sunshine" into my mouth and soon my smile was as big as the little Lemonhead dude used in the company's packaging and promotions.

And not only have Lemonheads forced me to turn to larceny and deception ... the little balls of cheek-aching sweetness have caused me to occasionally abandon monogamy for a wanton lifestyle of candy debauchery. I confess that I have cheated with Orangeheads on occasion. I have given in to desire and had dalliances with dark and seductive Grapeheads. And though I am ashamed to admit it, I have even greeted a new day with Appleheads on my breath ... knowing that a loyal and trusting box of Lemonheads sits 20 feet away in a cubboard. Oh, the shame!!

POINT OF RANT: I'm not the only criminal in this story. A two-liter bottle (roughly 64 fl. oz.) of Pepsi is about $1.50 at the market. A large soda at the movies (usually a 30-32 fl. oz. range) is $4 or more. That's more than a 430 percent mark-up!!

Today In The Candy Aisle ...

I don't want to sound like a tired old man, but I might just skip Halloween this year. I retrieved my box of decorations ... cobwebs and a pumpkin carving kit and a mechanical spider that shrieks and a mummy's arm that crawls across surfaces and a super-cool Frankenstein head candy dish ... but it all looks tattered and just plain silly. I might still put out some pumpkins and gourds and Indian corn, but I may pass on "Beggars' Night" ... just go to a movie or be elsewhere. Especially since buying candy to feed the masses has gotten to be so expensive.

I'm also in a new apartment this year and really don't know how many kids are in the area. I don't want to buy too little candy and run out and look like a douche to all the little gkosts and goblins, but I also don't want to buy too much cause I'll just devour it myself then. And I have a cat now ... she could get loose and terrorize the neighborhood with her loud purring and back feet-only claws. And my steps are steep and narrow. No, this would be an ideal time to break the cycle ... buck the tradition. And I can blame it on the cat and the apartment, I thought ... insert evil laugh here.

But then I remember when I was a kid and how magical Halloween was. The air always chilled and crisp. The streets choked with laughing kids in costumes ranging from original to store-bought silly. And the candy ... oh, the mounds and mounds of candy. Pop Rockz, Mallo Cups, Razzles, chocolate "pirate" coins, BlowPops, candy corn, Nerds, ReeseSticks, Gobstoppers, M&Ms ... all the sugar a little boy could dream of. And then up the street there was this really nice guy who transformed his lawn into an eerie graveyard and he dressed up like a very convincing Grim Reaper. Until I was a bit older, I could never deal with the man when he said "hi" when I walked past, or if I was out riding my bike and he was in his yard and asked how my parents were. All I could see was his face covered in grizzly make-up and the sickle up the sleeve of his tattered black robe while he did his best to talk in a low, menacing voice. GOOSEBUMPS! DAMN!!

When I was very little, my parents also helped out with a neighborhood "haunted barn," after which the families would have a big bonfire with hotdogs, big crockpots of potato soup and chili, and toasted marshmellows and caramel apples. And us kids would swap candy so I could corner the market on Razzles. Every year, my Mom usually dressed like a suburban witch and my Dad like a ship-less pirate.

After my mother died, I was one of two siblings still living at home while I finished college. We lived in the "busy" ... code word for rundown and packed with people ... section of town. Our Mom loved decorating for Halloween and really enjoyed seeing all the kids and parents while she handed out candy, so my older brother and I decided we'd keep her zest for trick or treat alive if Dad would foot the bill. That first year he was still in a daze ... he just handed us cash and told us to do the best we could.

Well, my brother and me got serious about the event ... organized. We decided we would use inexpensive sandwich bags and create Halloween "treat kits" so all those germy little hands wouldn't be touching all the candy we secretly hoped to inherit as "leftovers." Each bag had one "miniature" candy bar, a packet of candy corn, a packet of Skittles, four or five flavored Tootsie Rolls, and a jawbreaker that looked like a faceted gemstone. We also found several bags of little glow-in-the-dark rats and spiders and tried to put a few in every bag. We started the "assembly line" about three days before Halloween ... Dad had to get more candy twice. "Christ, boys," he said, "we're not supplying candy to the whole state!" We reminded him that, as just barely young adults, we knew the kind of onslaught that was just around the corner. I think he was just happy to see us excited about something.

Halloween was on a Thursday night that year. We had the porch light blazing, Mom's Frankenstein bowl,... the one I now possess ... filled with bags, and the rest within easy reach. Just shy of 350 little princesses, police officers, mummies, vampires, Power Rangers, ghosts, wizards, dinosaurs, black cats, Pooh characters, and more made the trek up our four big stone steps to add to their bounty of confections. We had about a dozen bags left which disappeared quickly ... the craziness and frenetic energy of the evening demanded a sugar fix!

But now ... in the present ... did I really want to go to that kind of trouble? Besides, I had a potluck at work to worry about too. We always go a little crazy with food on the holidays, and Halloween was no exception. One year, I made those pumpkin rolls with decadent cream cheese frosting. I always add a bit of extra cinnamon and nutmeg into the pumpkin batter and a touch of lime zest to the filling ... a nice fresh twist. And another year I made a thick root vegetable stew that you actually cook and serve in a hollowed out pumpkin. That stuff was killer ... garlic and oregano and cumin accenting the flavors of squash, potatoes, leeks, parsnips, onion, fennel, and eggplant. There had not been enough left of that to even bother bringing home.

This year I was making "deviled eyes" ... basically deviled eggs, but you tint the filling (I chose green and brown), add a black olive for the "pupil," and draw a few bloodshot accents with a red icing pen. As a dry run, I made a dozen and took them to my landlord to sample. She thought they were wonderful and appreciated how I had added sage and celery seed to the fluffy filling. Now, my landlord is a wonderful lady who is also an outstanding cook. She suggested I switch the brown hue for blue ... I agreed it would be much more appealing ... and that I dribble some spicy cocktail sauce on the eyes instead of using the squiggly and too-sweet icing accent. "And maybe give the two different colors slightly different tastes," she cooed as she popped a second egg in her mouth, replacing the Saran wrap over the small serving plate and promising to save the rest for later on when her husband got home.

Well, I had a while until Halloween actually occurred, but i decided to make a grocery list for all the ingredients I would require for my eerie appetizers. Maybe I could pick up a bag of party-size 3 Musketeers bars ... or maybe two ... just in case friends with kids stop by, I thought as I added it to the list. And it wouldn't hurt to have a bowl of candy corn on hand. And some of those gummy eyeballs I saw last week ... those are so cool! And I wonder if they still make "pixie sticks?"

Oh, hell, I laughed inwardly, I better get some sandwich bags just in case!

POINT OF RANT: Like a vampire, old habits will always come back and bite you in the ass ... and the wallet!

Today In My Easter Basket ...

Easter ... a Christian mainstay event ... a day when Christ arose from the tomb and a day when many of us make our one of two appearances at church each year. Easter has Pagan origins as a festival or fertility and renewal. Easter, like every holiday, means different things to different people. But in middle America, the celebration of the Easter season couldn't happen without the helping sugary hand of candy.

Unlike Halloween where we have to wear idiotic costumes and beg for treats, Easter is just a bonanza of sweets displayed in a variety of baskets, pails, bins, and other containers ... even Tupperware.

This season I made a concerted effort to assemble affordable but fun Easter "loot" for members of my immediate family. Kit Kats for nephew ... check. Candy necklaces for neighbor girls ... check. Big League Chew gum for my uncle ... check. Solid chocolate bunnies for several people ... nowhere to be bloody found!!

Oh, sturdy and solid chocolate hoppity-hops are out there ... if you mean 5 lb. hares of heinous proportions, or big-name candy shop cottontails that require a second mortgage (okay, let's be real, third). I found three-foot tall hollow "goliath" bunnies dressed in their holiday finery, peanut butter bunnies with their sickly orange "spray-on tan," dark chocolate rabbits so riddled with cocoa they make my cheeks hurt, "crispy" creatures with ricy skin conditions, and white rabbits looking embarrassed that the word "chocolate" was even associated with them. I even found these mutant vegetables-with-faces made out of chocolate ... they watched me as I passed them in the aisle, assessing my ability to stop them if they tried anything with me or the other shoppers.

I wasn't looking for more choices than my freshman year college course catalog. I wanted tradition. I wanted that teasing peek-a-boo box that lets you see a bit of naked chocolate rabbit flesh. I wanted that sexy brown color and not-too-sweet chocolate aroma. I wanted that strange chemical formula/periodic chart composition that creates a confection that, if the rabbit had a wick in its head, could pass for a chocolate candle. I wanted to see the word SOLID proudly displayed on the package, giving me instant Easter confidence that all was well and the economy would bounce back and my cat would be more careful in and around the litterbox, saving me valuable clean-up time.

Now, in my neck of the woods, we have superstores we'll call W, K, and T. I bet you have them too ... they're literally around every corner. And grocery store chains - places like Different-K, M, or your area's version - also stock a boat-load of confections from which to choose. With such a selection, why did everything seem so figuratively and literally hollow?

Feeling somewhat defeated, I was making a few last-minute "basket" selections - Post-Its, playing cards, super-bounce balls, and corn cob skewers - when there, on an endcap with baby wipes, I found Nirvana and it's name was Russell Stover.

Thank you, Russell Stover. Bless you and yours, Russell Stover. Are you a real person, Russell Stover? If I had a kid and named him Russell Stover, would he hate me for it?

POINT OF RANT: Never give up ... stick to your guns ... anything worth having takes work. But, more importantly, this cautionary tale of my hunt for Leporidea Cocoa is a warning of to all Americans of impending doom. Why the hell are Skittles and SweetTarts even kept near the chocolate during prime pre-Easter shopping? I believe that forced breeding programs and government gene splicing experiments involving these tangy targets and my beloved solid chocolate bunnies have created the ultimate soldier ... the chocolate vegetables-with-faces I mentioned earlier. They appear innocent, all smiles and fetching colors. But they have been built for guile, trained for espionage, and taught the 653 ways to kill. And with the genetic make-up of rabbits, they will breed fast (like rabbits) and they will breed often (a litter as big as 13 every 32 days). Stay watchful!